Last week, I turned 25! So weird. So fun! But honestly, crazy. There is something really interesting about being, inarguably, in your "-mid-20's." 25 seems to hold some kind of grown-up gravitas that 24 just didn't.
I love getting older. I can truthfully say, even a pandemic later, that every year has been better than the last. I would never want to go back in time to live at a previous age: with each year that passes, I feel myself becoming more like the "me" I'd really like to be. Bumps and all, I am 1000% happier with myself, than I have ever been. I don't just mean "happy"--there are definitely days/weeks/seasons/years where I am depressed, or just not bright and positive. I mean happier with who I really am, as a person. Like I like myself. That's a new feeling! And one I hope just keeps getting better with age.
Today at 25, I barely recognize myself. The past two years have held the most growth of possibly any other time in my life. I feel unrecognizable to my 22 year-old self...let alone my 20 or 15 year old selves. The past year held so many wonderful things and so many hard things. I am grateful for all the people that were a part of it, and let me lean on them. But also: I am very proud of myself. I am proud of who I am entering 25. There is not a single moment, of a single day, that I am not astounded by my good fortune in life turning out this way. Someway, somehow, I've ended up in a life story that I think is pretty cool, and as a person that I think is pretty cool, too. It's humbling.
I was listening to a podcast recently and they were talking about how often we are sold this narrative of "Successful people are successful because they are ambitious, work hard, and refuse to give up!" In reality, however, there are lots of talented people involved in any art form or any industry....and not all of them are on the top or "successful" in our narrow definition of the word. Being "successful" requires ambition, hard work, a refusal to give up, and a lot of chance, luck, and circumstance. It's not going to shake out the same way for everyone.
But what do we do with that information, as ambitious people? For me, I'm choosing to find a lot of freedom in it. I can own both my successes and my failures, but I also don't have to beat myself up for either of them. Sometimes I will fail because of my own short-coming, and sometimes I will fail because of a circumstance. They are both okay. They are both great! They both are opportunities for growth.
At 25, I want to move forward into allowing myself more space for that concept. More space to be ambitious and ask for the things I want, as well as more space to be honest about what really doesn't feel good for me. I want to show up and challenge myself towards growing into the type of creative I want to be, while also knowing that who I am as a whole person today also holds incredibly value. At 25 I want creative projects, work, school, learning, studying, building, as well as deeply nurtured friendships, a precious marriage, time for books and crafts, dinner in the oven, long hikes with Bear, art on the walls, and flower gardens. Time, space, and openness of heart and mind towards all the things that make life worth living. I want that elusive "balance", or perhaps more accurately, the ebb and flow.
I am setting this time aside to be proud of how far I've come, and to hold some hope that there is still so much time for a thousand more crazy, wonderful things. Here are a few things I am proud of myself for, in the past 25 years:
- Taking a real look at my skating self when I turned 18, and acknowledging that if shows were something I wanted to do, I'd have to make some changes. 18 year-old me knew nothing, had no connections, had no money, but honestly was pretty ballsy. I switched coaches, joined different teams, trained 6 days a week, watched countless videos, and talked to everyone, all while working full-time with a part-time job on the side. 3 years later I got a show! And was a fundamentally different skater. Honestly, I'm amazed I did this.
- Always having a very clear gut feeling about whoever I was dating at the time, that I trusted. Even when I was with certain people longer than I "should" have been, I always knew what was and wasn't going to be a good situation. I trusted that feeling when it meant not being with people, and I trusted it when I met Chris!
- Moving out! Moving out was a really, really scary experience for me. It was emotionally heavy and anxiety-inducing to tell my parents what I was doing. But it was also the single best decision I've possibly ever made, and really led me to feel so much more myself and therefore just so much happier. Forever grateful for making that happen. :)
- Being a really good paraeducator. I don't think I talked about it on the blog much, but I worked as a para at high school for two years. It was so hard, and I was only 19 when I started there. My student was pretty high need. But I dug really deep, took lots of feedback, and I know I did a really good job. That job was an awesome experience, and sometimes I get nostalgic about it.
- Running 4 miles last summer haha. I know that is nothing for some people, but I used to not like running, and have always struggled with pacing and distance. Running 4 decent miles was huge! As well as the fact that I am finally at a point where I really enjoy and crave running.
- Starting to coach full-time. I fell into coaching a lot post-COVID, and then this spring I made the leap to make coaching and skating my full-time thing. Very, very proud of this, and honestly never expected it.
- Being pretty great in the kitchen. Growing up with a mom that was always baking and cooking definitely helped, but over the past two years I've also experimented with lots of new recipes, and read quite a few blogs and books on food. I feel pretty confident to try basically anything, and to know that I can salvage most things. I love to cook, I love to bake, and I love the canning I've been able to do. Part of it just feels innate, and I really love that.
- Having a really strong relationship with Chris. I'm proud of how neither of us played any games when we started dating, how we've both always been honest about what we wanted and needed, the way we talk about things that aren't working, and how much fun we have together. I'm very proud of just the healthiness of it.
- Outgrowing old opinions. I used to be a far more judgmental person than I am today, and I had a lot of black and white thinking. I would love to write more about this at some point, but for now: I am proud of moving myself past that. I'm proud of how even when I was in the midst of it, I was open enough to entertain other ways of thinking, and how that listening eventually led me to re-evaluate some strongly held beliefs. I'm definitely a kinder person today, because of it.
- I'm proud of being more fun that I was growing up. Hear me out: I used to be really uptight. I am still very uptight! But I'm much better at relaxing and letting myself enjoy things now. Life's a lot better that way!
- I'm proud of finishing MCT, the choreography training by American Ice Theatre. Another thing I haven't talked about a lot, but I'm really proud of not only taking the course but the work that I put into it. I'm especially proud of my final piece.
- Having good taste in beer! I am weirdly delighted in my decent but rudimentary knowledge of beer, and I'm proud of how much I like it and like to talk about and seek out new ones.
- Going to therapy! Even leading up to March of 2020 I was feeling so, so low, and the pandemic really exacerbated it. I am so glad I started going to therapy early on. It's been life altering and so, so helpful (if any part of you thinks you should go...you should go!).
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