But where do we go from here?

Today is the 4th of July, and here in New Hampshire, things are starting to open back up. We can dine in restaurants (even inside, sometimes). More shops are open. I went back to skating and coaching a few weeks ago. Small gatherings with friends and family are happening, and with a lot less taboo around them.

I am so happy to be back to work. I feel significantly more like myself than I did throughout March, April, and most of May. When everything shut down, not seeing my students and getting to hear the little snippets of their lives was one of the biggest voids I noticed. Being back with them a few days a week is incredible. I've also gone back to Market Basket (a NH and MA only grocery store), although a different store than I used to work at. While I didn't want to go back, and don't love it, it does feel so good to be out of the house and out of my own head and just getting something done. I've been working a lot of longer shifts lately, and it honestly feels so good to feel tired again! It's fun to get back home and be excited to take your shoes off, relax, and have a glass of wine.  I really missed that.

But! But. COVID is so not over. I have been getting so frustrated at the people who are acting like it's all over. It's not. Read any study, and they'll all tell you that there's a super high chance of us surging again in the fall/winter, and having to go into lock-down again. Rates in NH have continued to drop, but in other nearby states, they haven't! So, no, I don't want to act like it's over.  People around me are starting to plan and put dates on the calendar again and, honestly, I just don't want to.

I have gotten a little comfortable in our little cocoon of an apartment. I love being at work, but I'm finding myself being really resistant to doing much else. Quarantine wasn't easy on me, and loosing literally everything I had been doing for work or fun had me crawling up the walls. But, once I found a rhythm, I grew to kind of like being home. Hanging out with Bear. Making dinner. Re-decorating. Reading. Doing yoga. Going for walks. I felt like I was buried and hiding out from the world. My circle got really small, but I've kind of liked it. At the best, I feel a little hesitant to return too quickly to normal life. At worst, I feel scared to.

I find myself constantly repeating in my head, but what now? Where do we go from here? 

our boy is growing up!

COVID is not over, and I personally want to be stricter with precautions than our state is requiring (and many people are doing). But what does that actually mean? Yes or no to family get-togethers? What kinds of friend meet ups are okay, and which aren't? Go to church? Wear masks at church? Go out for a drink? Don't hold my student's hands (honestly, really hard to actually do when you're teaching skating)? Hold their hands with gloves? I feel the need to have our own list of household rules, but I don't even know where to start.

I want to return to work, see how much I can build coaching back up, and get another job other than MB. But is going into Massachusetts so often irresponsible? How many hours am I even looking for in another job, since I can't predict coaching? Is full time too much? Is part time not enough?

I feel pressure to make a thousand little decisions right now, and I am overwhelmed by it. Even before March, I knew that this summer and fall would be different for me. Work was shifting. I was coaching a lot. The skate shop I was working at almost 4 days a week was moving further south, and I couldn't deal with what was already a long commute getting longer. I wanted to go back to school. My mental state and relationships were suffering, and I knew I needed to make some changes to do any of this sustainably. To make enough money, progress a career, go to school, and have a balanced life was going to require lots of changes. I wasn't sure how to do them, but I was confident that I could get there.

Now, though. I have no idea where to start. I feel a pull to make big, bold decisions, and a pull to keep things simple since we still can't plan for anything right now. I don't feel like I have anything to aim for, because a Best Possible Scenario isn't something anybody can guess at right now. I have a thousand questions. Lots of ideas. But no where to start, and literally no where to end. I don't know what I'm shooting for right now.

The irony, of course, is that COVID is just one problem affecting the world right now, and so many people are dealing with so much more. The pressure of COVID has done so much to expose the thousand other pressures people, particularly low-income families and minorities, have to deal with every day. I don't know what direction to turn my own life right now, and I definitely am struggling to find ways to help the world at large as well. There is so much pain. Where can one start to do anything that's meaningful? What now? Where do we go from here?

The one thought that has helped me lately, though, is the comforting notion that this--this complete shit show--is very simply life. It is a messy, scary, un-plannable, unclear, totally new season of our lives. I don't mean that we should take COVID or BLM or anything else going on lightly (we shouldn't). I don't mean that we should attempt to just retreat into what we know (we shouldn't). But, I do mean that our only way through, to figure any of this out, is by living through it. Living through it, listening, thinking, reading, trying, and committing to re-calibrating ourselves every single day. I don't know how to move forward personally, but I do know more than I did in March. And if we surge in the fall, I'll know more then, too. While there is no way to know if things will get better, we can hold on to the fact that we get to choose to keep going, and keep trying.

This Isn't Unemployment, This is Employment FREEDOM!

The day after sharing last week's post about what my days looked like, I got laid off of my remote-work job. It was unexpected. It was sad. It was extremely frustrating. Like many people, so much of my income had already been stripped away, that loosing this felt like loosing my last sliver of independence.

At the beginning of this self-isolation, I was grateful for the slow down. I went from having panic attacks in February after seeing that almost every weekend in April, May, and June, was already full, to seeing cancellation emails rolling in every afternoon. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief as space opened up again and the world seemed to pause. That, and what I thought would be 2 weeks at home to chill and make good food, seemed like a great idea to me. This was the re-set button I had been longing for.

You see, life has felt like train I'm chasing after since September. Last fall I was working 3 jobs, 7 days a week; then I was in Orlando for a show all of November and December; then I was home, moving in with Chris, and working 4 jobs about 6-7 days a week and commuting several hours each day. I had just packed up and headed off to Miami for another skating show when COVID-19 started getting serious (in the US, anyways). I was there for a week when they canceled, and we all scrambled back home.

 I've always gotten a lot of my validation and self-worth from work. I've always worked multiple jobs, and over the last year, I've been lucky enough to do a lot of work that I really, really love, which makes it that much easier to keep piling things on. I've grown in ways I'm incredibly grateful for this year. I've taken leaps in work, and leaps in my life. I've started just asking for the opportunities I want, instead of waiting. There has been so much good stuff. But there has also been A LOT OF STUFF! A lot of change. A lot of fast moving pieces that make me feel like I can't find my footing.

I wanted a re-set. I prayed for a re-set. We are currently 3 weeks in, and have at least a month left, of this quarantine. This still feels like a re-set, but a much less comfortable re-set than I initially had in mind.

Turns out, getting used to not having a schedule is just as hard as getting used to having a hectic schedule. While loosing work has been scary on the financial side, in my day-to-day it feels more unsettling on the emotional side. I don't know how to write lists. I don't know how to structure my day. I don't know what to focus on, or what is "good" relaxing and what is "bad" relaxing (and I realize thinking of relaxing that way is probably part of the problem). I want to be thought of as a smart, hard-working, goal-driven, person that does interesting things and contributes something meaningful to the world around her. But how do you do that if you can't work? And how do you show you're contributing if you're not getting paid, or getting asked to be anywhere?

In a moment of panic-driven positivity, I told Chris: this isn't unemployment! This is employment freedom! And in many ways, maybe that is true. Perhaps the key to getting through this in one piece, mentally, is to stop making it a problem of "finding work". Maybe instead of stressing about money, coming up with new work ideas, and attempting to set myself up for when I can start my regular work again, I should focus on everything but work. I know who I want to be as a person. I want to be purposeful, creative, kind, patient, positive, focused, and fun. If I can't meet those things through working, how can I work to meet them in the rest of my life? What parts of my life have I been ignoring, while I attempt to become everything I want to be solely through work?

Fast forward to this past Saturday. After months of talking about getting a dog, and then talking about puppies, we finally brought one home. His name is Bear, and he's a 9-week old German Shepherd. I am not a dog person, and while I've been excited, I've also been nervous and a little resistant.

We happened to bring him home right before Chris started a string of long Fire Department shifts. Because of that, Bear and I spent Saturday night (his first night) alone, then Sunday night alone, then all day Monday and Monday night. This fact definitely scared me. I have never owned a dog, and honestly don't know the first thing about puppies. I had visions of him howling all night and bothering the landlords. I pictured everything being chewed, him constantly using the bathroom in the house, and generally things being terrible.

While I'm writing this its's mid-day on Monday. The first night was rough but we worked through it-and I definitely slept 4 extra hours after Chris got home and took care of Bear. The second night was SO MUCH BETTER, and the idea that I had a part in making it that way? Fantastic. He's a lot, for sure, but he is also so happy and sweet and funny, and loves us so much after just a few days!

I need to spend some time figuring out unemployment and next steps, and be prepared to jump back in when this lifts. But perhaps there is a lot of value in focusing on the present day right now. Today, what friend can I call? How can I make the house cozier? How can I exercise my body and mind? What can I make? How can I help? What can I do to make sure Bear becomes a great dog? How can I validate myself as the person I want to be, without looking at external things like work to do it?

These times are strange, my friends. I'm extremely grateful that income, puppies, and cabin fever are my problems right now, because I know most of the world has it a lot worse. While definitely not one of my strengths, my aim right now is to focus on creating the future I want, through prioritizing the little things each day. I'm just a little disappointed it took a global pandemic for me to figure that one out.

PS-more puppy stuff coming! More about me worrying about the future and choosing to live the bigger life.

On Being Between Contracts, and Worrying Instead of Enjoying.

Being between contracts might be the only part of skating professionally I wasn't prepared for. 

I got home from Miami two weeks ago. The day I got back, Chris and I went to our favorite brewery, and my parents met us there. That same week, I grabbed dinner with a very close friend. We had family from out of town visit for a a few days, and we spent a lot of time looking at old photos, making cake, and eating donuts. I spent an easy-going Easter at home with lots of little cousins, Chris, and one of my closest friends (and her baby!). Being home is utterly fantastic.

But the thing is, so is being away.

What feels especially significant this time around is the absence of a departure date. Chris and I were reflecting a few weeks ago that this is the first time in our entire relationship that we don't have an end-date. I got my contract offer for Sea World in early August, only 6 weeks after we met. We planned everything in a 'we have until November 1st' frame of mind. I came home from Sea World with another signed contract, and the knowledge that I'd be flying out again on March 7th.

Now though? I'm just home. Maybe for a little? Maybe for a while? No clue.

So what do I do with myself? How does one make a plan, with no timeline to fit the plan into? Do I relish the free time, and spend it with friends while I can? Do I lay low and save money? Do I find another job?

On Tuesday, I walked by one of my favorite coffee shops in Portsmouth, and noticed their 'hiring' sign in the window. On Wednesday, I emailed them and scheduled an interview. Thursday, I interviewed for all of 10 minutes and left with a job offer. I'm excited to start. I really like working, and I happen to really enjoy this spot. It's in Portsmouth, and I'm already fantasizing about becoming best friends with the owner, and walking across the street for drinks after work. I'm hoping it will be the perfect mix of flexible and fun. But is it a failure to fulfill the starving artist trope and become a barista? What if this is me settling? What if this is the beginning of me becoming a broke, going-nowhere creative, stuck making coffee for practical people that went the traditional route and now make enough money to regularly afford fancy coffee?

I know that that's crazy. I know that, for anyone pursuing an abnormal, creative life, this is incredibly normal. Skating is a small, seasonal industry. It takes time to get your footing. I've gotten two contracts; I will most likely get more. At the end of the day, it matters that I work hard, and it matters that I pursue what I love: it doesn't matter how many side jobs I have to pick up.

I keep coming back to one thought, though: what do I tell people? When someone inevitably asks the dreaded question 'what do you do?', what do I say? Do I answer with my ambitions, and say I coach and skate professionally? Do I keep it simple, and say I make coffee? Do I lengthily explain that I'm currently between contracts? Do I crack a joke and avoid the subject?

I realize that I'm the only one worrying about this. That that question is filler, an ice breaker. But if I can't even tell my Uber driver what I do, what do I tell myself?

Because really, that is the root of the problem. The only voice demanding to know what I'm doing, is my own. It's unsettling, to not be able to answer yourself. On any given day, I have no idea what I'm doing. So it's no wonder that as big and defining a question as what do you do makes me queasy.

Maybe, though, the problem isn't the question. Maybe, the problem is that I'm answering it the wrong way. Hopefully, as a well-balanced, functioning adult, I 'do' more than just the things that make me money. Contract or not, what I actually do doesn't change that much. Contract or not, I still work on my skating. I process life with my mom. I call my friends for long chats. I insist to myself that I'm going to start running. I cook with a lot of vegetables, and very few spices. I get excited to explore new places. I go for walks when I need to clear my head. I call Chris before I go to sleep. I apply to jobs constantly. I attempt to make it to church. I am never without my planner. I journal a lot.

Those things all paint a better picture of me, and what I do, than any job description ever could. I want to be a full-time pro-skater and coach, with consistent contracts, and plenty of students. That is what I'm working towards; that's my dream, my end goal. But when I look at the life I want, those goals don't even make up half of what I want to do. Figuring out how to be 'successful' at skating means the world to me, but if that's all I were to accomplish, I would be dissatisfied with my life.

What I really want to do with my life is more than skate, and frankly, more than work. I want to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. Someday, I want to be a loving wife, and a loving mom. I want to have a colorful kitchen, and have long, talkative meals. I want to travel, and live in different places. I want to push myself artistically, and tackle the things I've always thought I wasn't good at. I want to skate because it makes me happy. I want to keep writing. I want to go to school, and work with people that are struggling, and hike a lot more than I currently do. I want to help people be creative and capable. I want to have strong friendships in lots of different places, and I want to always be excited about the future.

Not knowing my next gig is tough. But it's not the worst. Life is really long, and I believe, holds enough flexibility for some things to not always go as planned. This season, I want to focus on embracing what's in front of me. Instead of fretting about where I'll be in a few months, I want to focus on enjoying being home; and, later, enjoying being away from home. I may feel like I have little control, but in reality, I hold all the power over what I do with my time. I want to be better at appreciating that.

What are you worrying about, instead of enjoying?

Thanks for reading! Be the grittiest.

xoxo Gillian

Guys, Work, and Getting Derailed

I can live alone, if self respect and circumstances requires me so to do. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inborn treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.

-Jane Eyre

A main theme of 2015 has been questioning.

Questioning my dreams. My methods. Questioning my motivations, who I really am, what I really want, what I really need. And at times, questioning my faith.

I want to work my butt off and reach my goals. I'm in love with the idea of being absorbed in work, grinding through with purpose and being creative and innovative as a result. But this year, I've struggled a lot with keeping that focus. A Distraction will come along, and suddenly everything is derailed. I'm waking up late. I'm getting less done. I'm less focused at the rink. I'm less motivated to push myself.

There are days when I feel like such a badass for doing yoga early in the morning, and driving to the rink, and practicing, and writing, and then having a long day at work. I feel on top of it and like I'm really trying my best. But there are other days (to be honest, usually when a Distraction doesn't text me back) that it just feels lame. It feels horrible to never have a free night. Or the fact that weekends literally do not exist. Or to always be going to the rink. And I most definitely never tell anyone about my blog.

The fact that I derail so easily really annoys me. The fact that my mood is dictated by whether or not my phone is buzzing is ridiculous. When did I start to care so much about what people think?

I've never had to deal with this issue before this year. But it's been a repeated issue since January, and one I've been trying to learn how to handle. I'm so far from getting this. So, so far. But there are two things that have been working this fall:

(1) Just work anyways. I know! Rocket science! But this has literally been all I've done. Just go anyways, regardless of mood. Don't indulge yourself. I'm much better at this one when it involves leaving the house (going to work, going to the rink). It's harder when I'm at home (write that blog post, clean my room, do a yoga video), but generally it works. I've come to realize the power habit has in keeping you on track.

(2) Realize that burnout is real, and sometimes you are actually tired. I know lots of people who work seven days a week. I know people who have a night job and a day job. I know people who skate while doing all honors in school. I know lots of people who go, go, go all the time. And I really admire that. I want to be like that...because frankly, there is so much more room to push ourselves than we think. We indulge our lazy sides more than we have to.

But, I've also realized that sometimes, resting is completely necessary. There's been a lot of nights this year where I've ditched blogging and gone to bed at 10 (which is ridiculously early for me). I indulge in guilt-free Netflix binges after I close at work. And when I'm sick, overtired, and really sore, I take the day off from skating. Which is something I still feel guilty about, but I'm finally realizing is important.

So that is where I'm at right now. I'm learning to find balance. I'm learning to stay focused. I'm experimenting and searching for that sweet spot where I'm working at my best. And I'm learning to be more confident in what I do, even when other people don't understand it.

I have goals, desires, and beliefs. I have a heart I'd rather not let everybody see. And I'd rather go through life be alone and true to myself, then change for people not meant for me, anyways.

Happy Saturday! xoxo

New Journal, New Season

This week, I cracked open a brand new journal. It's journal #5.

Journal #1 had cats on it and was stolen from my grandmother. It was very much a little girl's diary, filled with bad handwriting and what I did that day lots of KEEP OUTS!!!! in big letters.

Journal #2 was Tinker Bell themed and bought at Disney World. I used it from roughly 3rd grade through 7th, and it's the first journal I wrote consistently in.

Journal #3 was hot pink, but I loved it anyways. It carried me through a huge transition in freshman year, to finally settling in to a great place in junior year. But the Gillian in it sounds so naive when I read it now, even though I was writing in it this time last year.

Journal #4, my most recent and most treasured. It's the first journal I did everything in, rather than switching out for different types of things like I used to. It holds weekly to-do lists, shopping lists, four-page-long tributes to love, and lots (and lots and lots) of, "I need to pull myself together"s.

It's sat on the boards of many different rinks. Bounced in my purse at work. Been stuffed in a duffle bag at Nationals and TC and Missouri. I started it on November 14, 2014. It only took me 8 months and 19 days to fill it.

But having it for such a short time really high-lights how much has changed since last year. Senior year brought a lot of unexpected things. Some were good, some were bad, but I've learned more about myself in the past 8 months than I have in a while.

Last year, I didn't know if I'd been placed on a team.
Last year, I still felt awkward at work.
Last year, I hadn't been kissed.
Last year, I hadn't landed an axel.
Last year, I couldn't navigate the highway by myself.

A lot happens in a year.

I have a theory about the seasons of life. I feel like we go through a season of striving and struggling, of trying to just to make things work and find rhythm and make progress. And we find it, eventually! And start a new season, where we bask in the sunshine and our work, school, or training flows and we easily make progress in this comfortable spot we've found.

And then, things collapse. Nothing works anymore, and we have to start climbing again to figure out where we need to be. And while that climb is uncomfortable, it's where the growth happens. When we've grown all we can for a time, we're allowed to plateau and rest (and things are easy). Then, when we've started to rest too long, we're thrown again into the struggle so we can grow again.

I don't know if anyone else finds this to be true with them, but to me, it's very comforting. Since the start of the year, I'd say I've been in a climb. I've questioned a lot of things I've never questioned before, gotten off-track, and had trouble thinking clearly about anything.

But I think I'm coming out of it, and I can't wait to fill Journal #5 with a new season. A season of exploring, pushing boundaries, and trying new things. A season of learning to be a better friend, and reaching out more. A season of independence and crossed off goals. And, hopefully, a season of hope, finding rhythm, and making progress.

Happy Tuesday! xoxo

Growing Pains

Whenever people talk about growth, I always envision the end product.

The final moment, when you can see how much you improved. The shiny 'before and after' shots. The day when your workout actually doesn't kill you. Or when you throw together an essay and get a really good grade without thinking much about it.

But here's what I've realized: that definition of growth has set me up for failure.

It's led me to believe that I'm not growing, because I don't have those shiny moments very often. But the problem isn't me not growing. The problem is I'm not recognizing what growth actually looks like.

The actual definition of growth isn't very comfortable. And it certainly isn't shiny. Growth is pain, or at least sore muscles. It's found in your day-to-day, not just the days of the Big Test or the Big Show. Other people see your growth when you're having conversation with your best friends...not when you're presenting or polishing a perfect post.

Yesterday, I yelled and cried a lot because I was feeling overwhelmed. The past few weeks have been crazy...and they're going to stay crazy for a while longer. I was feeling overwhelmed because I haven't been getting my hours at work 'right (either waaaayy too many...so no time for other stuff...or way too few....and no money...), there's been ice time issues, I'm behind in my French class, and really struggling with some other classes. On top of it, I have a cold, which makes everything un-enjoyable.

But behind all the overwhelm, the deeper issue is that I so often feel inadequate. Like I'm not doing good enough at anything. I believe that the only reason I'm not exactly where I want to be, is that I'm not working hard enough or trying hard enough.

It's like when I switched to from group skating lessons to private lessons when I was 13. For a couple years after, I felt so inadequate every time I practiced. I was a bit of a late-bloomer to the private-lesson world, and while I don't regret anything about how I've pursued skating, it definitely made some things harder. I wanted so badly to be good, but I knew I wasn't. It didn't really help that my coach had one amazing skater about my age who was just ridiculously good (nothing against her. I've never met anyone kinder or harder working), but it was hard footsteps to follow. I felt so frustrated and insecure every after every practice. Now, don't get me wrong...I loved skating. But it was because I loved it, and wanted it so bad, that I felt so terrible when I couldn't deliver.

At the time, I couldn't see improvement. But looking back, I really was working hard and growing. My footwork--previously non-existent--became fairly solid. My jumps got really high. I learned so, so many new spins. I started doing real routines. I tested. And, after awhile, I gained confidence in my own skating. I started to feel strong and powerful on the ice. And I laid the groundwork for where skating has brought me today.

The thing is, we're usually the last to fully understand what we're doing. I know I never realize when I'm out straight. Where others see us putting a lot on our plates, we see unfinished to-do lists. Where others see us trying our best and getting back up, we see ourselves falling again.

But we (myself included!) need to give ourselves a break. I've been so upset thinking I'm not doing enough or being enough. But the thing is, I'm not always going to feel perfectly confident or comfortable. The point is to keep going, keep smiling, keep the faith. Because growing pains are a part of life. And eventually, they fade. :)

Happy Weekend! And Happy Easter! xoxo

PS-Unrelated, but I've been joining Deanna for a 30 Day Disney Challenge! She's posting every day over on her blog, and I'm joining in on tumblr! Check it out! :)

5 Attitudes for a Happier Spring

Spring!

Rejuvenation!

Rebirth!

Everything's blooming!

All that crap!!

You knew I had to get a Seinfeld reference in there somewhere, didn't you? ;)

As winter trudges by (and believe me, this winter trudged), it's all too easy to fall into ruts. Maybe it's the lack of light or the cold or the slush that keeps us from wearing our favorite shoes, but it's safe to say that winter often induces a bored, negative outlook. I definitely know I've been in and out of ruts all season.

But with spring comes the perfect opportunity to intentionally shed the winter bleghs and gain some perspective! I said intentionally because that's what it really takes to turn your attitude around. Don't float about waiting for moods and feelings--step up and take charge! Hope you like these five mantras perfect for a happier spring.

{here}

01: Be The Real Deal.

No time for fakers. Or talkers. Or haters. Don't tell people you're someone great, be someone great. They'll figure it out for themselves, promise. ;P

02: Dig Deeper.

So simple, but so true. Dig in your heels and reach inside yourself, totally unafraid to search for that original, motivated, complete essence of you. You might just surprise yourself.

{here}

03: To love is to risk, therefore, to love is to be brave.

When a relationship ends (romantic or otherwise), the last thing we usually feel is brave. But opening yourself up enough to love someone is a hard and noble act. Be proud of yourself! You're a rockin superhero out to save the world with her big heart.

04: Life is Short (Don't Be Lazy).

Not in work. Or art. Or friendships. Or keeping up values. Or heading to yoga. Life's too short (and you're too smart) to be lazy.

{here}

05: She Believed She Could So She Did.

What do you want to do? Go do it. Simple as that.

Happy Weekend! xoxo

You Know All Those Things You've Always Wanted To Do?

{pin it!}

So far, 2015 has already been full of ups and downs.

And coming out of February, I've honestly been feeling a little stuck. I feel far away from what I want to do and the type of person I want to be. Sometimes, I just feel so blocked--like the hamster wheel of daily life keeps me from accomplishing anything of meaning.

I find myself waiting a lot. Looking forward to summer, to the weekend, to that far-off day when I'm a put together person and can get everything done seamlessly.

But, the time is now. This life is not eternity. We have one shot.

I'm good at envisioning the life I want. I can visualize a daily routine, make plans, and list goals like nobody's business. But I often get so caught up in details that I loose sight of the big picture, and forget to start at all.

If I want to be a positive, caring, kick-butt girl....then I need to channel that attitude today.

If I want to be the dedicated, artistic, strong athlete...then I better put in the ice time. And do some yoga.

If I want to be the smarty who's on track with homework...then I better sit myself down and start working on it.

And if I want to be the adventurous girl surrounded by incredible, energizing people....then I better make sure I'm caring for relationships and being open to new ones.

Today is the day to go to a yoga class. Apply to an Ivy-League. Open your Etsy shop. Text your crush. Try that new coffee shop. Eat a doughnut. You know those all those things you've always wanted to do? Well, you should go do them.

Happy Weekend! xoxo

25 Ways To Be (a little more) Fabulous

Hey guys.

First off: apologizes for my sudden blogging disappearance. I know you've heard it all before, and, let's face it, you're probably gonna hear it again in the future, but I got really busy. It's been a big adjustment, this senior year thing. But I've really, really missed our weekend chats. And I really am going to try to be better. Forgive me?

Over here, I've been in a rut. I feel lazy...and sluggish...and just generally lacking in inspiration. And I feel so wretched to pop back on the interwebs to tell you that. Because honestly, life is great. I've got so much to be thankful for, I'm doing new stuff, and I really feel like a new phase of life is opening up at my feet. But getting out of bed in the morning, or just off of facebook, has been embarrassingly hard.

I'm at the point where I really just need to slap myself in the face and pull myself out by my bootstraps. I've been repeating Coco Channel's quote like a mantra, "A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous." Hopefully, I can attempt to leave this weekend with a little more fab in my step than I started it with.

So as a reminder to myself, here's a list of 25 ways to be a little more fabulous ('cause let's face it, you're already pretty cool).

01: Make faces at yourself in the mirror while you get ready.
02: Actually do yoga.
03: Make afternoon tea (or coffee!) a thing.
04: Commit to exclusively using colored pens. Purple's my go-to.
05: Throw on a scarf (sweater weather's better weather!).
06: Paint your nails. a $2 bottle of Sinful Colors always makes me happy.
07: Find your personal life mantra. I like "Nothing is ridiculous."
08: Do some goal writing. Like, legit, time sensitive goal writing.
09: Eat a doughnut this week end.
10: Call up that one friend you NEVER talk on the phone with.
11: Watch Seinfeld. 90's TV will always be amazing.
12: Jam out to the Beach Boys WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF WE WERE OLDER.
13: Poke the cutest guy on your friends list. I dare you.
14: Actually sit down an do your homework. And then share your self-motivation secrets with me.
15: Grab some non-fiction free reading.
16: Compliment someone on a random trait--their voice? Their openness? Try to make it something they haven't heard before.
17: Meet up with your best friend. Because no matter what, it's been too long. I suggest combining this with number 9.
18: Take a look back at yourself from a year ago.
19: Smile at a stranger. And see how weirded out they get.
20: Actually be smart about current events. Know what's going on, have an opinion, and take a stand.
21: Do some tidying. Fold that laundry. How long has it been since you vacuumed?
22: Make a photo wall.
23: Make that healthy food you genuinely love. Lately, I've been obsessing over vanilla yogurt with almond granola, and PB apples are always a favorite.
24: Tackle that inbox. No matter how intimidating.
25: Stick some money in savings. Look at you, being all responsible.

There we go! Let's rock this weekend, and step into Monday a little more sassy, classy, and fab, okay?

Happy Weekend! xo

On Slumps

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Slumps. They're annoying, eh?

You wake up and pull yourself out of bed. You really, really don't want to give up, but it's not because of your bed being oh-so warm and comfy. It's not pleasant. You're not smiling to yourself. And there, my friends, is the start of the slump.

You've been doing tons of blogging for the last week or two. Feeling all inspired. Then, suddenly, you can hardly concentrate enough to write anything coherent. So you go on Pinterest, instead.

You've literally been a reading machine this summer....four books read in August already? Awesome! Feeling motivated, you check out five YA novels from the library. And then you start a book that's simply okay, and your slump continues....

Impending start of school. You feel like you're on a giant countdown. But you don't even feel ready to start, and you can't do anything to get organized, because you lack the notebooks and sticky notes necessary to your existence.

The days are long, and yet, you never get anything done.

You decide to loose a couple pounds. Who needs to carry extra weight around? Then, you sit down and pin cupcake recipes. *le sigh*

Everything seems difficult. Everything is boring. You know that soon, you'll be literally forced out of this slump by due dates, required reading, hectic fair season, bumping up ice time, and all that other crazy stuff. But for right now, you're sitting here, reading this.

I suppose there should be a point to all of this. But I don't have one. Let's just commiserate with each other, then. Summer's almost over, and I'm really looking forward to getting back to the routine. For fall. For cardigans. And tea. And having to add layers to step outside. It's my favorite. And I'm ready for this slump to flee. I hate slumps. Nooo....hate's too strong a word. That's another thing I strongly dislike about slumps. Everything is so boring, that you don't even have the inclination to use strong language to describe them.

Blegh. I'm done with hoe-hum.

Being Fabulous

Scrolling through Pinterest the other day, I came across this pin...

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I was already familiar with this quote, but for some reason it really struck me just then. Was I being 'fabulous'?

There I was, surfing around Pinterest instead of finishing Algebra. Weeks worth of laundry piled around my room. On my nightstand were un-read books, dusty lists of goals, and unfilled journals. Where was my creativity, my motivation? Where were all the plans I had for making this an awesome summer? Pinterest certainly wasn't bringing me closer to my goals. So why was I still on it?

I think especially in today's world, pulling away from screens and getting back to 'real life' is increasingly hard. Our society is over-stimulated. It's so easy to get caught up in blog archives or Pinterest boards. If we see something we want, we go out and buy it, because most things are readily available to  us. Brainless reality TV shows suck us in, only because it's what's on after our favorite show.

But what exactly constitutes fabulous? Obviously, I don't know what was running through Ms. Chanel's mind when she spoke that lovely quote. And I think each person's version of fabulous will be slightly different. But to me, being fabulous means simply living a full, contented life. It means pursuing interests and working hard every day. It means having a good time out with friends one night, and being up at 5:00 the next morning for work, all without complaining. I believe that being fabulous is being unabashedly yourself, putting 101% of yourself into something, and doing what's right even when it's hard. Others know they can depend on fabulous people, because they're strong, kind, and honest.

For awhile, I've been settling for being hoe-hum and mediocre. Sure, I have a huge summer reading list, but my computer is already open; so why not surf instead? I've been acting burnt out, and unwilling to try new things. Now, I would love to make those cupcakes...but it's been such a busy weekend. Worst of all, I've been setting goals and then choosing not to pursue them. Let's get Algebra done by the end of the week! Oh, look...Youtube!!

Now, I'm not saying that being burnt out isn't real. After weeks and weeks of busyness, my mind and body does need some time to rest and not feel guilty about it. But lately, laziness and boredom, and basically failing to be excited about life, has been occurring on a daily basis for me. It's a rut, and one I need to get out of.

I've talked about being lazy before. Unfortunately, it's something that's inherently human and that everyone struggles with. But that doesn't make it okay. This summer, I'm looking forward to gaining that momentum and purpose that sometimes eludes me. I can't wait to do a lot of reading, geek out friends, try my hand at new recipes and crafts, and have some adventures. All too soon, it will be back to the grind-stone with school. But by then, maybe things will be a little livelier because of a blessedly busy summer.

Thanks so much for reading this rather scatterbrained post! I know my thoughts were all over the place, but this is a subject that's been on my mind a lot recently and I had to get it out! My main hope for my blog is to encourage individuality, hard work, and general common sense in a world when those things can be hard to find. I feel Coco Chanel really channeled all of that into her one brief quote. So ladies, let's get out there this summer and really show the world how classy and fabulous we are! :)

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Pinterest Addiction, Chronic Procrastination, and Other Maladies....

Hello! It's been eleven days since I last posted! I know, I know...bad little blogger. Everything's just been crazy busy, and I didn't feel right taking the time to put together blog posts when there was so much else to do.

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Which brings me to today's post...can anyone relate to the title? Up until my Freshman year, I was the kind of girl who never played computer games, never went internet surfing. Once I got my own laptop, that all changed. I discovered the lovely blogging world. I started watching Youtube, and a good friend introduced me to Pinterest. It came about slowly, but somehow I ended up on the other end of the spectrum. I can no longer go a day without internet, and in many ways I'm addicted to it.

I'm going to share some startling stats at you: there are 22 blogs in my feed. Now, granted some of those aren't very active. But when they do post something, whether or not I'm extremely interested, I always feel the urge to read it. And then, "look...something from the archive. Let's follow this link. This reminds me of that other blog, let's go check it out"...and on, and on.

How about this one: since joining Pinterest in November (I think it was November...), I've made 25 boards with 2,355 pins. Yikes. Pinterest is a great site, full of inspiration...but it's so addicting. You just scroll...and scroll...."I'll stop when I finish this board....wow, that looks neat...I'll just take a quick peek...."

As if an internet addiction wasn't enough trouble, with me, it always just feeds my procrastination habit. Let's use recent 4-H Fashion Revue sewing as an example, shall we? (Note: Finally finished this dress. Pictures soon!). I bought my fabric back in early February, and had the pattern all ready to start. I planned on washing the fabric and cutting out the dress over several nights while I watched TV. I mean, Fashion Revue was months away, no need to stress. Just take it a little bit at a time. Well, I didn't wash my fabric until the first weekend in April. Then I stalled as long as possible in cutting it out. The dress itself came together in these past two weeks, with marathon sewing from Tuesday until Midnight Friday evening. 

The judging went pretty good, and overall the dress came together nicely. But I don't feel satisfied with it. I feel like it was sloppy, that I'm capable at more, and that the fit going into today could have been better. If I hadn't wasted all this time, I could have fixed all the little annoyances that only appear after a garment is constructed before judging, rather than having to go back later and fix it for prom. Not to mention there would have been less stress, and less late nights. 

I've always loved organizing things. I was the 9 year-old who had all her toys sorted into labeled boxes, which were then stacked inside the toy box. My problem is that when things are easy, I keep things in order. But when Mr. Busy jumps at me, I fall apart. Resolutions are thrown to the wayside, and I switch into survival mode.

Which brings me to another problem; as much as I complain about busy schedules, in fact, I sorta love it. In a mixed up, love-hate sort of way. I have lots of different interests, and I want to be good at a lot of different things. In the long run, though, will running to 3 million different activities actually help me? I may be well rounded, but will I be truly good at anything if I've got too much on my plate? 

I'm sure some of you reading this aren't like me. Some of you might not be interested by internet searches and/or Pinterest, and may be better at motivating yourself to get things done. Maybe you've learned how to deal with your busy schedule, or perhaps you've just decided to cut things out. Good for you! The only point I'm trying to make here is, procrastination is an evil, real-life problem. Internet addictions feed it, and busy schedules are impacted by it.

I think one of the worst parts about it, is that procrastination only makes me feel worse about myself. Let's talk about my dress again. Throughout the process, I kept asking myself, "Why am I even bothering?" and "You can't sew. Why fake it?". I was disgusted with myself. Granted, I was very frustrated with the dress, but what made it worse was that it was all my fault. It could have been avoided. If I had just dealt with the temporary 'discomfort' of actually working on a project, all the last-minute stress and anger could have been avoided.

I hate procrastination. I want to stop. I need to weed out the blogs I like from the ones I read 'just because'. I need to stop checking my Pinterest feed multiple times a day. I should stay off of the internet unless I've finished all my schoolwork. I need to make practical to-do lists, and then carry out everything on the list. I need to set realistic goals, and then work towards them with all my might. 

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of all this guilt. I'm ready to work hard, submit quality projects, and finally feel content. It's time to identify priorities and meet deadlines. So here's to schedules filled with things that will help you reach your goals, and the satisfaction that comes from putting forth your best.

Your Thoughts?: Are any of you facing similar struggles? What are some of your organization strategies? Have you more often found the problem to be procrastination on your side, or a schedule that is genuinely too full?

Thanks for reading! :)

P.S. I just want to take a minute to apologize for the lack of Disney Challenge posts. Like I said, this month's been crazy and blogging had to be put on hold for awhile. I plan on doing a finishing up post about it at some point, but I'm sorry if any of you were missing the posts. Thanks for understanding! :)