I can't move on until I say something about 2022

 

I've been working on a post that adequately sums up 2022--a year that was equally full of the most heartbreaking moments of my life, as well as the most joyful--and also explains every way in which I intend 2023 to be better. To be fair, I didn't intend for 2022 to be so challenging. January of last year, I was also journaling and planning blog posts and getting ready for a busy year of achievements, new hobbies, travel, better habits. But some years are just like that--unexpected avalanches of challenge and grief. I think it would be more fair if these moments were spread out, like mini snow squalls of unhappy things spread over a decade. I guess we have about as much control over that as the actual weather, though. 

Amongst everything else, there is something about this year that has felt so solidly grown up, so adult. When something goes wrong, there is no one to tell, no one to get. I can (and do) tell people about it, but there's a big difference between retelling a story and leading with "help!". I also find myself using the word "adult" more than any other adults I know. Somehow, I am constantly looking for the grown-ups, trying to mimic their behavior and walk in their shoes in a way that definitely comes off less cute and more naïve than when actual children do it. I wonder if large, out-of-our-control circumstances is what helps people turn the corner from looking for the grown ups to being looked to. Alongside the anxiety and grief and weight of this year, I've also felt a perverse sense of pride, even of joy, in how we (my husband and I) are able to handle things. An unexpected move and six weeks living apart, my partner's concussion, loosing grandparents, and loosing someone who was basically my brother in law unexpectedly a week into our own honeymoon. The shitty circumstances remained shitty but I am still proud of how we reacted. We took actions, came home early from trips, were reliable and present and made ourselves voice our thoughts. We showed up--dressed appropriately, with tote bags of food and markers for guest books--and stayed afterwards to clean up, like the grown ups we apparently are. Is this really what we were looking forward to all these years?

Because everything about growing up is gray and nuanced, it would be unfair to write bout 2022 and only list the circumstances that were hard. This year also held a jam-packed, adventurous summer, making a lot of art I felt strongly about, moving to a new town and feeling like it is exactly where we wanted to be. This was the year I got to marry the man that stood by me and picked me up and made every hard circumstance of this past year doable. Our wedding was beautiful and fun and very us, and we cried the whole time. 

My whole life, I have felt both incredibly excited and incredibly terrified to grow up. I was one of those kids that was always a bit too grown up; prim and proper and obedient, never overly excited and (predictably) too wrapped up in the approval of adults. I never felt like a kid, so imagine my confusion when I hit birthday after after birthday and instead of finally feeling "my age," I started feeling younger and younger. I became somehow more inept and confused, and way less impressed with my own capabilities.  I have spent this first half of my 20's feeling remorse for all the ways I wasn't more wild when I was younger, feeling embarrassment for all the ways I haven't felt more grown up, and desperately throwing myself on the hamster wheels of "catching up" and "good enough."

Perhaps this year was a chance to stop and realize that life comes at you too fast to worry so much about being on top of it. Our lives are often messy, chaotic, unsatisfying; sometimes it's our fault, and often it's not. Life is just all the things, constantly. The parts of my life that often feel the most embarrassingly non-grown up didn't affect how I showed up with my family as we were grieving, or how Chris and I planned our wedding and life together. You don't have to be emotionally mature to clean the house, but you definitely do to attend funerals that really shouldn't be happening. Or host a huge party and not yell at anyone. 

In the mundanity that's (luckily) filled our lives this fist part of 2023, I'm enjoying a sense of feeling grown up in more gentle ways. Throwing flyers in the recycling instead of on the table when I check the mail. Lighting a candle to make dinner. I am grateful to be enjoying these things. To not be worried if I'm too young or too old, but just to be who I am, where I am, carving out some space for myself amidst the noise. 

Grateful For in 2021

This Thanksgiving was so good, and also kinda hard. I am back performing in Winter Wonderland on Ice at Sea World! I am right in the middle of finals for school. This is our first (and last!) Thanksgiving engaged! I had a wonderful morning watching the parade and sipping coffee quietly in my PJ's. I had a good cry. I watched a friend's dog. I did some yoga. I went to work. I felt sad and lonely and anxious between shows, and wasn't sure if I could muster. We got back to the hotel at 10:30, and we had a fantastic Thanksgiving cast party in my hotel room. There were Apple Cider Margaritas, a cheese board, and pancakes! A truly wonderful time. All in all, so grateful for the day (even the hard parts). 

My overwhelming feeling as we enter the holidays this year is just awe. I am in awe of this incredible life, and the fact that I get to live it. I am honored that I do feel like I'm making my middle-school self proud. I am dizzied by how much life has changed in two years, not to mention five years! I am so, so grateful to feel myself inching closer to the brave, kind, put together, fun type of person I want to be. What an honor to grow older! What an honor to grow deeper. 

I am still so much in process, but I am grateful to be in the process. Coming out of this year in particular, here is what I'm grateful for:

I am proud & grateful for the boundaries I have set with family.

I am proud & grateful for getting a dog, and learning I actually love dogs. 

I am proud & grateful for the relationship Chris and I have built, and the ways we prioritize each other.

I am proud & grateful for how much Chris and I value growing outside of each other.

I am proud & grateful that I went back to school, and am still in school, even when it's hard.

I am proud & grateful to still be skating, and to know that this is what I really, really want.

I am proud & grateful for learning how to cook over the past two years.

I am proud & grateful for how much easier it is this contract to sit quietly by myself.

I am proud & grateful for the friendships I have from so many different places.

I am proud & grateful for our adventurous Instagram-able life.

I am proud & grateful for our cozy, private, slow-cooker life. 

I am proud & grateful for how I'm learning to be more nuanced in every area of my life. 

Hope you're all cozy & safe & cared for & having a wonderful start to your holiday season. 

xoxo Gillian

Grateful for in 2020, Grateful for in 2015.

These Are The Days

As I'm typing this, I am sitting in West Palm, Florida, in between ice shows. I'm here skating with Rosstyn Ice Shows & Rink Designs at the South Florida Fair; we're almost to the end of our run and only have four show days left. 

I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of fresh starts, and a new era.  It's been over a year since I was away at a skating contract. Once I get home, I'll have left my other job and be setting out as a full time skating coach and full time student. The previous year, with all it's challenges, changes, and unknowns is starting to slip away. There are vaccines! There's live entertainment! We are coming back, and this pocket of in-between time will be gone. 

I don't believe in sugarcoating everything, or always seeking "lessons" and "bright spots" in bad situations. Not everything has to be great! Some things can just be hard. But this season has held lots of growth for me. Mainly, my newfound appreciation for the present moment. 

I am a rusher. I am always working towards, living for, planning for, the next thing. For me, COVID took that away. With everything up in the air, I had to learn to focus on what I needed in the moment, and making the best out of the situation we were in. And being forced to do that really helped me to appreciate this part of my life. Sure, there were a lot of things I wanted this year that didn't happen...but there were also so many things that did! And I am so incredibly lucky to have had the experience through covid that I had, and not something worse. There is so much to appreciate here. 

March and April 2021 held so much goodness for us. Personally, I felt a rhythm set in. Vaccines helped us return to some of our favorite things for the first time. We got to experience all that ooey gooey joy of being newly engaged. We made good food. We kept the apartment clean. Bear became more manageable. Work found some consistency. We saw friends! Before I rush out of this spring, and into the newness of summer, I wanted to highlight some moments and rhythms from the spring that I want to remember. 

SUNDAY RUNDAY: We ran together almost every Sunday. Our "Sunday Runday" became a wonderful part of the weekend to look forward to. I typically coach all day on Sunday, so getting up early and both getting a work out and quality time together was so wonderful. 

DOG WALKS: Sort of connected to running, I made a concerted effort this spring to walk Bear, by myself, more often. Chris does 95% of walks for Bear. Often, I get frustrated with him...and I had fallen into the bad habit of getting irritated with him at night when I had stuff to do, but he needed attention. I started planning taking him for a walk as just part of my routine some days, and it helped so much. Walking's good for me, too!

BRYANT PARK: I ended up skating with American Ice Theatre for a one-day show in Bryant Park, NYC in early March! It was so fun! Rehearsals involved being on the ice, an hour away from home, by 6am for a few weeks...but it was worth it! The show was so fun and we turned into a sweet little weekend in NJ to see Chris' parents. 

AIT NH: In March we also launched American Ice Theatre, NH! We hosted our first workshop, and made plans to start our junior performance company later this month! So exciting!! 

TACOS: I forget why we started, but we fell into the habit of Taco Wednesdays and loved it. We went with Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays because Chris usually works Tuesdays...and a fun, easy dinner we can both work on turned out to be a great way to reconnect after not seeing much of each other for the first half of the week!

EDGE CLASS: Doug Webster from Ice Dance International has been hasting a pro-level edge class in NH this spring, and attending every week was such a highlight of the year for me. It was so fun to improve and work with so many skaters that I really admire, and that have turned into wonderful friends. Hoping this can continue once I'm home! 

WEEKENDS: While I didn't take really any weekends off, I did have Saturday afternoons mostly off. We did a lot of lunch beers, afternoons spent downtown, and power cleans of the apartment together. We hiked with friends, and went to friends houses. I tried hard to never have school, or work, that had to happen past 12 on Saturdays. It wasn't always successful, but more often than not it led to me feeling so much less stressed going into a full workday Sunday. 

FEELIN LOVED: Obviously, everyone is happy and excited when they get engaged. But Chris and I weren't prepared for how much deeper, and more connected, this time has made us feel. We feel more like a couple, and a family unit, and we're excited for everything that's coming. This spring, we worked hard to preserve time together as a couple and also make sure each of us was doing the things that were important to them. It's a balance, and we're excited to keep striving for that once I'm home. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the phrase “these are the days”. These are the days we’ve been waiting for! I have been waiting my whole life to coach so much, be engaged, have my own place, skate well enough for a pro level edge class, have a close friend group. And somehow, I’m here! So I don’t want to rush through. I want to enjoy all of it. Every sunset streaming through our kitchen windows, every time we throw sticks for Bear, every time Chris and I catch up over homemade margs, and every time I laugh with a student. These are the days we’ve been waiting for. Why waste this moment by not appreciating it?

Grateful for in 2020

Way back in November of 2015, I wrote a pretty standard holiday blog post about what I was grateful for. This week I re-read it, and marveled at how different life is now, five years later. In my head, 2015 still doesn't seem like that long ago, but five years is more than a fifth of my life. A lot has been packed into those five years! 

For context: Thanksgiving of 2015, I had just graduated high school that spring. I was still working at Market Basket. I was only in my second season of skating with TOI Boston. I was single, and living at home. 

Today, I'm living in an apartment with my boyfriend. We have a dog. I'm in college, and working fulltime through two jobs. A large portion of my work is self-employed. I'm skating professionally. 

On Thanksgiving Day 2015, I wrote: "2015 was the year of the unexpected. It held so much heart ache, and so many achieved goals. I'd say I grew up more this year than I ever have before. I've been doing a lot of thinking to what was going on in my head this time last year, and it seems both just yesterday and a million years ago. For a lot of reasons, I'd say I'm not even the same girl."

Replace 2015 with 2020, and insert a (slightly) less dramatic attitude, and I could have written that paragraph today. This year has held a lot of hard decisions and heartache for most of us, but it's also given me the opportunity to chase some goals that I might not have otherwise. I feel like I have grown up a lot this year, and truly embarked on my adulthood in a way that 18 year-old Gillian certainly hadn't. I am for sure the same person I have always been. But I do feel more grounded, a little older, and a little more capable. 

For Thanksgiving 2020, I am thankful for:

My work, which is finally starting to feel like a "career" and not just a "job."

The fact that coaching is now the vast majority of my income. 

The other local coaches that do so much to encourage, support, and teach me. 

Youtube yoga videos. 

Renewed energy towards skating, and making time to focus on my growth as a skater again. 

Getting to perform in a Christmas show locally. 

Learning more about choreography and stretching my creativity with American Ice Theater's MCT course. 

My (much more reliable than in 2015) car. 

Houseplants, and my patio veggie garden this summer. 

Our cozy little apartment, it's great natural light, and our quick walks to downtown. 

The cozy sweatpants I've been living in lately. 

The Creative Bug subscription I just found I get for FREE through our library!

A puppy I've grown to love way more than I thought I would. 

M planner. 

My Airpods. 

Audiobooks. 

Building new friendships, and stronger friendships. 

Coffee, and seltzer water. 

Chris, and the adventurous yet grounded life he gives me. 

The hard work of navigating new family dynamics. 

Challenging myself to critically think about what I believe, and what I support. 

A holiday season spent at home!!

Show opportunities coming up. 

Therapy. 

Good books. 

This year is different. We ended up driving down to New Jersey to be with Chris' parents for the holiday (limiting exposure before, and no indoor stops on the way down, of course). I hope you've all found safe and cozy ways to celebrate. "These are the days" has been echoing in my head lately, and I'm trying to be conscientious about soaking up the remainder of the year, instead of wishing it away. All we have is today. 

Happy Thanksgiving! xoxo. 

15 Joys of Right Now

I am extremely excited for August. There is so much good, exciting, long-term goal stuff that is coming this fall, and I am so ready for it. But with that also comes lots of change, a lot of decisions, and a lot of new territory. Even pre-covid, 2020 began as a year earmarked for lots of personal changes. Adding that to all the uncertainty covid has brought, and some big mental shifts I've been needing to make, hasn't been the easiest. 

But while I've thrown myself a few pity parties over the last two weeks (and let's be honest, the last two days as well), I also feel so excited for everything that is coming. I am working on staying present, and staying positive, so here are 15 joyful things that are happening right now.

01: Drinking sparkling water with fresh lemon. Some ice, a fresh wedge of lemon, and some seltzer in a mason jar has been my go-to refresher lately. It feels way more luxurious than it should. Once when I was feeling really fancy, I even added fresh thyme! And that was magical. 

02: Bear's new interest in playing. I still need to write the long-awaited post dedicated to our German Shepherd puppy, Bear, but for now I'll keep it to this: He's currently 6 months old (and 60 pounds!), and has just started selecting the toy he wants and bringing it to you to play with him. If you ignore him, he'll just keep putting his toy in your lap until you start playing with him. It is so endearing.

03: Quiet, peaceful, no-pressure Sunday afternoons. The last few weeks, our Sundays have been fairly busy with adventurous, outdoorsy stuff, like kayaking. The secondary benefit to this, is that in the afternoon, we (and Bear!) are already tired and ready to zone out. This has led to lots of snuggling up in bed, with a book or a movie or just to scroll through photos with some water and a snack. Nothing beats that sleepy Sunday feeling.

04: After a year of being on the waiting list, I am finally starting the Master Choreography Techniques certification with American Ice Theater this fall! This course is a semester long, with monthly meetings, readings, and homework, like creating pieces of choreography to discuss. I just got my book today, and am so pumped.

05: New hanging plants. A few Sundays ago, I went off to a local greenhouse and bought a few more houseplants. We now have a beautiful lipstick plant hanging in the living room window, and it just makes me love this space even more. 

06: Creating working space. Speaking of space, we've been re-thinking our apartment setup. Our space is small ( one bedroom, attic apartment), and now with two adults and a dog who are home and attempting to be productive at home more than we used to, we're having to rethink a few things. But, setting up private spaces that allow both Chris and I to work has been really fun. 

07: Bagels. It has been FOREVER since I'd had a bagel, and the other week, I happened to get one for lunch. It was a cinnamon crunch bagel, with honey walnut cream cheese, from Panera, and it made my entire day. I now can't get bagels out of my head, and we're planning to go out and get some for breakfast tomorrow morning.

08: Yoga with Adrienne INQUIRE. I love YWA forever and always, but her theme this month of "inquire" is just so good. I am working hard (and failing, but trying and trying) to get better at a daily practice, and this August playlist is really giving me what I need. Highly recommend.

09: Automatic savings accounts. I recently did a savings overhaul, and created a few new accounts to better help accomplish my current goals. Spending the morning creating those accounts and then setting up the automatic transfers gave me SO MUCH JOY! Life will look very different in five years, I think, and this is helping me get there!

10: Gnocchi, greens, & sausage. My favorite go-to meal that has come from quarantine has been: any kind of freezer gnocchi, scrambled sausage, and broccoli rabe (or any other bitter greens), all mixed together, with cheese. It is quick and doesn't really require planning, with a cheesy comfort factor. 

11: Nuanced people. This isn't the moment to go into crazy amounts of detail, but lately there has been a lot of conversation, in my community, about decisions I've made. This can feel hurtful, at times, and emotionally draining, always. The people who have been helping the most are the people around me who are able to have kind, nuanced conversations, and don't spend much time dwelling in the black and white "facts." I appreciate them.

12: Orange Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies. Another quarantine discovery. Now I don't even want to make normal cookies.

13: Our bedroom. I LOVE this room. I am so happy I painted it blue. That I got the new blanket for the bed. That I bought new plants. It's a beautiful, cooling, calming space.

14: WATER!! Lately, I have been so attracted to the water. I crave seeing the ocean and swimming and even just wading. I've taken Bear to boat launches in the early mornings so he can cool off, have packed up solo dinners to eat at the beach, and have been researching local swimming holes. I just can't get swimming off my brain. 

15: Following lots of great voices for mental health. Lately, I've been doing a lot of reading, podcast listening, and Instagram scrolling through voices of psychologists and therapists. I've found so many recent insights extremely helpful, and it gives me hope to keep moving forward.

Of course, there is more. There is always, always more. And I need to do better at reminding myself of that.

Even though 2020 can feel like a mess for so many of us, it’s extremely lucky and privileged to be “frustrated” by it and not broken by it.This is life. The ups, the downs, the re-calibrations, and the ability to look at what’s in front of us and choose the best path forward, even while wishing for different choices.

I am excited to enter August. I am grateful the new phase of life this year feels like. While we press forward, here's to staying grounded in the joys of right now, too.