For When You Don't Feel Seen

My regular customers are the best part of my day job. 

We have one guy who works at Turbocam, and comes in to buy lunch a couple times a week. I brilliantly call him the Turbocam guy (I actually do know his name through some clever credit card stalking, but it's useless since the facebook search options have decided to fail me). He's got light brown hair, a normal, clean cut beard, and almost always wears a plaid flannel shirt. He comes in just before noon, always goes through express, and often has an older friend with him.

He's sweet, and quiet, and attractive, so I have a standing agreement with the express cashier that she puts on her light and pretends to need something so I can walk over when he's in line. It's all very sneaky, and subtle to the point that (sigh) he's probably never noticed. But I go to great pains to show off my management skills (look how fast I can make a void!), or make some stupid joke. Sometimes I even look right at him and say, "how are you?". I guess you could say it's getting pretty serious.

In the daily grind of our lives, it's easy to slip off into our own little world. We make coffee in our quiet house and commute with just the radio for company. We're tight with our coworkers, but only until 5 o'clock. The line behind us doesn't care about our day or our goals or that we think we're getting a cold. And it's always the nights we're feeling extra antsy that no friends are free. 

There's a lot of joy that comes from going at life solo. Making our own routines, not looking to anyone else for a schedule. But there's also a lot of anxiety, and loneliness, and mundane-ness, too. And while we may be completely content with our lives, it can start to feel like you're just one in a sea of a million, unobserved, and easily replaceable. 

But we'll never be completely aware of who notices us. We miss the sideways glances and the fact that they see us the minute we walk in the door. Someone somewhere knows our order by heart, loves the way our jeans fit, and legitimately looks forward to our regular Tuesday stop-ins. And yet we remain oblivious, too busy worrying about the frowning woman behind us and all we have to get done and whether or not we'll die alone.

Connection isn't found by scrolling through Humans of New York. It's found by being an active, present Human of the Here and Now. It's found by not simply stopping at 'good' when we're asked how we are, and by noticing the regulars in our community. We connect over the little things, the mundane rituals that get us through the week. The things we think only matter to us, but others learn to expect.

Turbocam guy probably just comes in looking forward to his sub. Perhaps he looks forward to our awkward joke exchange, too. But even if he's completely unaware that it's the same girl every time, his patience and smile and presence has added warmth to a sea of brusque, strange people. It's a connection that couldn't be any smaller, and yet feels so very deep. 

Don't ever think that you aren't seen. Somewhere, a cashier has a nickname for you.

Guys, Work, and Getting Derailed

I can live alone, if self respect and circumstances requires me so to do. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inborn treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.

-Jane Eyre

A main theme of 2015 has been questioning.

Questioning my dreams. My methods. Questioning my motivations, who I really am, what I really want, what I really need. And at times, questioning my faith.

I want to work my butt off and reach my goals. I'm in love with the idea of being absorbed in work, grinding through with purpose and being creative and innovative as a result. But this year, I've struggled a lot with keeping that focus. A Distraction will come along, and suddenly everything is derailed. I'm waking up late. I'm getting less done. I'm less focused at the rink. I'm less motivated to push myself.

There are days when I feel like such a badass for doing yoga early in the morning, and driving to the rink, and practicing, and writing, and then having a long day at work. I feel on top of it and like I'm really trying my best. But there are other days (to be honest, usually when a Distraction doesn't text me back) that it just feels lame. It feels horrible to never have a free night. Or the fact that weekends literally do not exist. Or to always be going to the rink. And I most definitely never tell anyone about my blog.

The fact that I derail so easily really annoys me. The fact that my mood is dictated by whether or not my phone is buzzing is ridiculous. When did I start to care so much about what people think?

I've never had to deal with this issue before this year. But it's been a repeated issue since January, and one I've been trying to learn how to handle. I'm so far from getting this. So, so far. But there are two things that have been working this fall:

(1) Just work anyways. I know! Rocket science! But this has literally been all I've done. Just go anyways, regardless of mood. Don't indulge yourself. I'm much better at this one when it involves leaving the house (going to work, going to the rink). It's harder when I'm at home (write that blog post, clean my room, do a yoga video), but generally it works. I've come to realize the power habit has in keeping you on track.

(2) Realize that burnout is real, and sometimes you are actually tired. I know lots of people who work seven days a week. I know people who have a night job and a day job. I know people who skate while doing all honors in school. I know lots of people who go, go, go all the time. And I really admire that. I want to be like that...because frankly, there is so much more room to push ourselves than we think. We indulge our lazy sides more than we have to.

But, I've also realized that sometimes, resting is completely necessary. There's been a lot of nights this year where I've ditched blogging and gone to bed at 10 (which is ridiculously early for me). I indulge in guilt-free Netflix binges after I close at work. And when I'm sick, overtired, and really sore, I take the day off from skating. Which is something I still feel guilty about, but I'm finally realizing is important.

So that is where I'm at right now. I'm learning to find balance. I'm learning to stay focused. I'm experimenting and searching for that sweet spot where I'm working at my best. And I'm learning to be more confident in what I do, even when other people don't understand it.

I have goals, desires, and beliefs. I have a heart I'd rather not let everybody see. And I'd rather go through life be alone and true to myself, then change for people not meant for me, anyways.

Happy Saturday! xoxo

Plant Your Own Gardens: Revisited

I've fallen in love with being independent.

I love having my own car. I love paying all my own bills. I love figuring out my schedule for the week without having to clear it with anyone else. I love taking myself out for coffee when I want to and coming and going as I please. I love making last minute plans with friends. I love (finally!) being able to actually do life and really pursue my goals.

In August I wrote Plant Your Own Gardens. I'm really proud of that post, because it's one of the few times I nailed expressing where my heart was at the time.

This summer, I took a mental step back from guys. I finally learned that weird, undefined half-relationships weren't making me happy. So I didn't wish for anything. I didn't look for anything. I took the time to get better about being confident on my own. And not just as a 'single lady', but alone. Driving down to Mass by myself. Going out without friends. Making my own decisions without feeling like I had to run it by 3-million people.

I am the only person that is going to get me where I want to go. So I needed to intentionally get more comfortable with myself.

And I did. I am so much more confident--and happy--than I used to be. I know myself better. I demand more of myself when it comes to focus and working towards goals. But I also loosen up more. I recognize when I need alone time, and I recognize when I need to stop being alone and choose to be social.

Plant your own gardens has turned into one of my favorite mantras. And to me, it means initiating. Not waiting. It means asking friends to go out, and then going by yourself if they bail. It means doing what you like, not what you think you're 'supposed to'. And it means giving yourself tough love when you need a pep talk.

I love being my own person. And I've learned that no relationship status can (or should) change that. Next time I'm in an in-between stage with some guy, I'm going to keep it in perspective and not let something so undefined dictate my time and emotions. Instead of messing up my mood with overthinking, I'll just let it be what it is and listen to my gut.

And should I ever move from in-between to something more, I'll only do it with the gut feeling that it's right. And only with the knowledge that I'm better, and happier, and more content with that person than I would be without them.

In You've Got Mail, Kathleen Kelly is asked if there's someone else. And she replies, "No. But maybe, the thought of someone else."

I am already in love. I'm in love with my life right now. I'm in love with the vision for my life in the future. And I'm in love with the feeling I'll have towards whatever guy ends up in my future. And since all that is already written on my heart, I'm sure I'll know him when I find him.

Happy Sunday! xoxo

Plant Your Own Gardens

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One day, you're 16 and you're boring holes in the back of the head of the cutest guy in driver's ed. And you're watching all the couples and all the flirtations in the room, feeling completely outside of it.

Then one day, you're 17 and you're distraught over a date with a guy who likes you but you...don't.

And then, you're 18, and you've dated 3 guys since Christmas. And you can never decide if that number's big or small, and you never got official, so maybe they don't even count.

And you learn that the off-times between dates are so much lonelier than all the off-time a year ago. A simple case of not knowing what you're missing till you've had it, I guess. And you dig up insecurities you'd thought you'd buried. And you question things you'd always taken for granted. And you find out it's so much harder to make real-life, real-time decisions about things you've previously only thought about hypothetically.

And you find that your heart jumps from very high highs, to very low lows, very quickly. And you find your happiness too dependent on the speed of text-backs. And you actually start to question if setting out with hope, and focused on the best outcome, is the way to go about it. And you hate that you have to think that.

And in a multitude of little ways, you loose yourself. It's been a whirlwind, and we're only 8 months into 2015.

But it's okay that you went a little crazy, because you came back and found a better version of the girl you used to be. And you learned to judge more by actions than words, and how to laugh off lame excuses as a reflection of them, not you.

And you find peace. Since you don't remember when, you find peace, and soak it up. You come back to what you love and you decide to dig yourself deeper. You crave quiet time with just your thoughts, and journal entries and walks and all the things you had stopped making time for. And you realize the absolute, obvious truth that your life is yours. And that is so exciting!

So what will it hold? You can build it from scratch. What will you eat for breakfast? What will you pursue? What will you save money towards? What will you let slide? The idea of independence invades every one of your goals. You start craving your own space. Your own experiences. Your own, personal, coffee dates. And with a dark green car, and a bright green wallet, possibility is at your fingertips.

And you become so enamored with the idea of crossed off goals, new pursuits, new planners, new phases, that you're happy to leave old baggage behind. You crave presence and commitment, dreams and hope, faith and positivity. So you start chasing those things yourself. Because you're the best at filling your own voids.

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Happy Tuesday! xoxo

There's Nothing Wrong With Rom-Coms

Dress: thrifted, Bangle: vintage, Sandals: payless.

You know how women have an over-romanticized view of the world?

One that was born from Disney, fueled by Austen, and now kept alive with a new romantic comedy in theaters every three months?

A viewpoint that is, of course, utterly unrealistic and wrong. One that has set women up for failure because we certainly can't expect guys to ever act in such a sweet, tender way. I mean, no one marries anybody in the matter of a week. We don't go on adventures that lead to meeting The One. And we certainly don't become mortal enemies with someone, only later to fall in love. Right?

Ugh. Just stop it, people. 

Seriously, stop. Because in my heart of hearts, I don't think that there's anything wrong with romantic comedies. In fact, I'll go out on a limb right now and say I really, really love them. 

I've got a list of rom-coms (consisting of Crazy, Stupid Love, Mona Lisa Smile, and pretty much any Amy Adams movie...) that I want to watch. You've Got Mail is easily my favorite movie ever (with P&P 1995 coming in as a close second), and I find Leapyear ridiculously cute.

Admittedly, rom-coms aren't the most realistic. We've all been told (many, many times) that life isn't a fairy-tale, and I'm sure we've all got our own real-world experiences to prove that. But what I can't figure out is why 'unrealistic' is synonymous with 'bad' in the rom-com world. I mean, Star Trek's not exactly probable, but it's still widely accepted as a good franchise.

Cause here's the thing: rom-coms are classic. The guy gets the girl, they kiss in the rain, and the world is perfect for 2.5 seconds. They have a happy ending, and honestly, after spending two hours watching a movie, I want a happy ending. I want to walk out the theaters feeling mushy, and sweet, and like there's some hope for humanity. I want a heroine that's funny and positive; one I can relate to over wacky things (like Meg Ryan throwing a trench coat over her PJ's). I want a hero that's cute, and sweet, and goes against the age-old proverb that all guys are the same. I want to laugh a little too hard, forget about essays and ice bills, and just watch something fluffy (in the best sense of the word).

So, world, guess what: there's nothing wrong with rom-coms. And yes, I'm probably an idealistic, naive romantic to think so. But maybe, just maybe, we've considered the words 'idealistic' and 'romantic' to be silly for a little too long. It's not 'silly' to hope for the best, or expect love from people, or devote yourself to one singular person. It's not silly to do crazy things for someone, just 'cause you love them (and really, is there a better reason?). And it's not silly to curl up on the couch, tea and Hershey bars in hand, and feel some warm and fuzzy's for approximately 90 minutes.

Nope, nothing wrong with that.

Happy Weekend! xo

PS-Feel free to join my You've Got Mail gush-fest.

s o m e d a y s

Someday...I'll land that axel.

Someday...I'll skate my way around the world.

Someday...I'll have my own apartment. And my own Boston Terrier. And possibly pink cabinets.

Someday...I'll afford a better brand of mascara.

Someday...I'll be done with school.

Someday...The nine-mile bike loop will be easy.

Someday...I'll support myself by writing and skating.

Someday...I'll succeed at being more spontaneous.

Someday...there'll be dates.

Someday...I'll actually keep fresh flowers on my desk.

Someday...I'll qualify as 'put-together'.

Someday...I'll actually finish my to-do list.

Someday...the work I put in, despite the doubt, will pay off. Most times, I loose sight of that. I forget that I study so I can graduate so I can go to college so I can write. I forget that I work so I can skate so I can have opportunities so I can skate with Disney. But each decision, big or small, shapes my life and the person I'm trying to become.

The truth is, I've been in a slump. I've just felt overwhelmed, and like everything I was doing was pointless. I've started to snap out of it. And then today, I read this post from Humans of New York. I can feel the focus coming back. Guess what? It's not pointless. Everything matters. Really. Everything. The early mornings, the late nights, the yoga, the skype chats. Everything counts towards what I'm building. And the funny thing is, that seems so simple right now. So obvious. And I can't believe I lost sight of it.

Someday might be a ways off. But at least it's coming. And each day I feel more driven to reach it. 

Fictional Character Dream Boyfriend Wishlist

Just one question, ladies:

What is the one thing every single lady thinks about on Valentine's Day?

I mean, other than chocolate, obviously. Although that's a very good guess.

I'm thinking something a little more personal...

And no, it's not what combination of red and pink to wear. I like the way you think, though.

Since this is obviously a less obvious question than I originally thought, I'll just tell you.

She thinks about her boyfriend!

Or, at least, her imaginary-boyfriend-who-has-yet-to-arrive-but-will-certainly-sweep-her-off-her-feet. And when we she wants to take it a bit further, she throws fictional characters into the mix!

Now, keep in mind that this is absolutely no reflection on me. I certainly never make totally unrealistic plans involving fictional characters and our futures together. This is simply what I hear others do, you understand. Ahem. Glad that's straightened out...

So for those of you that AREN'T ME and actually do this sort of thing, here's a dream boyfriend wishlist based off of fictional characters. Feel free to fall madly in love, because I totally did while writing this. Ready?

Riley's sense of humor. 

I mean, who doesn't want a funny guy? Riley's the type of person that would definitely try to cheer you up on a bad day, and nothing gets better than that.

Prince Phillip's smile and overall smoothness. 

I mean, just look at the guy. Or, actually, wait! DON'T LOOK! Don't want to be swooning before the post is even done, now do we?

Mr. Darcy's expressions.

I know, I know. All I can say about Mr. Darcy is that I like his expressions? Now listen up ladies. If it were up to me, I would have just slapped his picture up and called it a day, because seriously, he beats every other character in this post by about 2 million (sorry guys). BUT. Out of all of his extremely amazing qualitiies, I personally think his expressions are the most unique and therefore the best for this type of post. Speaking of, have you noticed how adorable his smile can be? Or how worried he looks for Elizabeth?

Watson's loyalty.

He's loyal, self-sacrificing, and thinks clearly enough to save those he loves. Plus his sweaters (and smile...and everything) is plum adorable.

Sam's stories & love for home.

Don't know about you, but I'd fall for any guy who could tell me stories of Middle Earth. Sam's really good at storytelling, and add on the fact that he cooks and gardens, and you've got one domestic bloke. What with all the adventurous, out-of-the-norm guys we're seeing in this post so far, a happy at home man is a nice change of pace. Sam's husband material, through and through.

George Bailey's work ethic & sense of what's right.

Nothing beats a good, solid, conservative man. He puts family first and does what's right, but still has ambition and dreams. What's not to love?

Prince Eric's eyes.

If you thought I'd already gushed too much about Eric, well, I'm sorry. But not really. Because seriously, THOSE EYES.

Boromir's pride.

Okay, okay. So you'd have Denethor as a father-in-law and be widowed rather quickly, but hey, this guy has values. He's proud of where he comes from and sees the best in the people, even though he's smart enough to realize things need to change in Gondor.

Woody's chivalry.

Maybe some girls don't like it, but I definitely do. I mean, let's be honest, gentlemanly behavior is probably the number one reason girls obsess over southern/mid-western guys. Woody's the type who'll get the door, tip his hat, and offer you his coat, and we need more of that.

Mr. Thornton's passion.

This guy feels things deeply and sometimes let's his emotions get the best of him (in a totally attractive way, of course). Plus, he rolls his sleeves up when he works. I know I don't even need to explain that point.

Harry's voice (and hair. and height).

So, having two different characters played by the same actor isn't cheating, right? Yup, didn't think so. While a bit obscure, Harry from The Vicar of Dibley totally deserves this list. First off, Richard Armitage's voice sounds like butter on warm oatmeal bread (uh huh, I said it). Secondly, his hair is way too fantastic. And thirdly, he's really, really tall. As a heel obsessed girl, that's pretty big.

Wilton Parmenter's sweetness.

Sweet's bound to make every girl's wishlist, and Wilton's got it covered. Don't know what I mean? Watch F-Troop. You'll die from gushy feelings.

Bert's dancing.

Every dream boyfriend HAS. TO. DANCE. Why? Because we said so. My heart loves tap, so Bert's my man.

Roger's style.

Slacks and button downs and sweater vests forever, people. Plus he carries a pocket handkerchief.

Jim's best-friend qualities.

You see, Jim's the type that wouldn't just be your boyfriend; he'd be your best friend. That's pretty special, and definitely worthy of a spot on this list.

Sherlock's coat.

Popped collar? Yes please.

Robin Hood's sense of romance.

Is it weird I'm featuring a cartoon fox? Probably. But I don't care. Robin Hood's an old-fashioned romantic, and you'd be crazy to say no to that.

Eomer's sense of honor/his being protective.

Specifically, I'm thinking of when he's beating up on Wormtongue for stalking Eowyn. If he gets like that over his sister, just imagine how protective he'd be of his girl! Men of the Mark for the win, girls.

Merlin's sarcasm.

Merlin will remind you to keep things in perspective and not take stuff too seriously.

Hawkeye's laugh.

Nothing gets me more than his laugh. It's beautiful in the fact that it's totally unique, totally genuine, and totally him. Who cares if it's loud? It's cuter that way.

Everyone that made it on this list deserves to be on it for more reasons than one--and certainly more reasons than what I've included! Obviously, this is far from complete. But that's where you come in! Chime in in the comments with your Fictional Character Boyfriend Wishlist, and make us swoon.

Have a great Valentine's Day, everyone! See you next week. :)