An Artist's Pep Talk

 

I am currently sitting in my hotel room in Orlando, FL. Last weekend we opened up shows at Sea World Orlando, and tonight (a Friday night) we started a long run of shows for Thanksgiving week. I am curled up on the couch: freshly showered, eating scrambled eggs for dinner, with my second (large) glass of wine beside me. For whatever reason, the scene is very You've Got Mail to me. I always feel that way when I'm here doing shows at Sea World. Maybe it's the fact that I spend a decent amount of time alone? All those single lady vibes? Or maybe it's the holidays (You've Got Mail is a holiday movie, in my mind. It just is). 

Anyways. I am here. I am struggling to stay on top of school. I am loving every second of the show. I've been shopping almost exclusively at Trader Joes. And, I've been met with equal parts desperation to do more and skate more and push myself to develop more, and disgust at my own work and my own skating. 

Yes, disgust. That is a horrible thing to say! But there it is. I get frustrated on ensemble ice. I doubt my abilities constantly. I second guess myself. I don't believe any compliments. I get so, so down on myself. And I recognize it as useless, and dumb. But somehow I just can't stop. 

On some fundamental level I'm ashamed of my skating. Ashamed I never got to train "properly," ashamed that I never got to reach a higher level of skating. I worry that others perceive me as a very bad skater. I feel like everything I know how to do is just...boring? And bad?

Of course, on a logical level I know that really, not that many figure skaters exist in the world. And the percentage of figure skaters that go on to do shows is pretty low. That the number of skaters that get hired to do shows is also low, and that therefore I can't be the worst (otherwise, I wouldn't have a job!). And yet, the demons of doubt come creeping in. I'm sick of them. 

All of that to say: it's exhausting to feel that way about your art, when all you want to do is go out and make art. I have not even afforded myself the luxury of thinking I could do anything else. At the end of the day, the only thing I can really do is skate and teach and make things and write. That is all I can do, and all that I want to do. So, I must settle at being mediocre at it. 

Or: I could do the hard work of starting to acknowledge that I might possibly be good at something. That there might, somehow, in this very world, be room for my energy, ideas, expression, skill level, self. The hard work of acknowledging that there are certainly thousands of things I'm not good at, but also thousand of things I'm so good at I don't even notice. And that while working hard and improving and striving is so important, I can also allow myself to--STOP!--breathe, breathe, breath--and know that I am capable and worthy and deserving of it all. 

So the challenge this week is the asking. The asking of others to give me opportunities. The asking of myself, to believe that those could happen and then to believe that I could be really good at them. My being is restless...it's time to start making and creating and doing, and not waiting. 

on being back at sea world

Throwback to WWOI 2018.

Hey friends.

Today marks two weeks since rehearsals began for Sea World's "Winter Wonderland on Ice" 2019! We had our approval show yesterday, today off, and then we open tomorrow! I am so excited, and honestly, I feel amazing.

Don't get me wrong: rehearsals, as always, are tough. This time around, I've been dealing with a horrible blister (like bleeding every time I'm in my skates kind of horrible), and a cold that led to lots of interrupted sleep, headaches, and now a cough that I can't quite conquer. Compared to how I felt this time last year, though, everything is going just fine. Being here last year was my first professional show, and I loved it. Timing wise, though, it also marked the early stages of the depression and anxiety I've been dealing with throughout 2019. To be honest, I felt really raw and emotional most of the contract last year.

WWOI 2018.

This time around, I feel so much more grateful, inspired, and most of all, ready to actually enjoy this. It's so much more fun to not be new. While there's a lot of factors as to why I feel more grounded and happy this year, I thought it would be fun to share some contract-specific things I'm loving this time around.

Having a car. Driving down was the best decision I could have made. Not only was the roadtrip itself tons of fun (I'll share more about that soon!), but being able to run to the grocery store without making a whole morning of it is amazing. Having a car means I can go to church, train at the local rink, and even go downtown just to get coffee, all of  which I had to really limit last year due to the price of Ubers.

Arriving with friends. The day I rolled into Orlando, I immediately went to the rink and picked up a friend I'd met at another contract to grab dinner. It was the best welcome I could have asked for. I can be really shy, and already knowing a huge chunk of the cast has been so peace-giving.

Daily yoga. I'm attempting to commit to doing yoga every day while I'm here, and I'm finding it is so incredible for my mental clarity. Between the sunshine and the constant rehearsals, I've honestly felt extremely healthy since I've gotten here, and yoga is the icing on the cake.

Dinner with a friend night one. Check out Kayla's blog!

Planning parties. Speaking of cake, I've been having a blast planning fun things to do with the cast this season. We have so much to look forward to: opening night, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a joint birthday party with another cast member. Next week I'm watching one of my friends cats, and will have the option to use her oven (our hotel rooms only have a stovetop). I am so excited to bake, and am planning to make a lasagna and have a a cast lasagna party for the hotel crew.

Going to church. I love the local church down here. It feels incredible to be worshiping with a big, healthy body of Christians, but it also feels amazing to get away from hotels and theme parks and the show itself and focus on something so much bigger than all the noise. I'm so grateful attending regularly is an option this year.

Training at a real rink. While we do have ensemble ice available to us, it's only a half hour on show days. Though the blister has made getting started tough, I'm loving driving to the real rink a few times a week to really move my body and keep myself trying new things.

Having tools to heal. I know I keep mentioning the blister but it's been horrible, guys. Here's what I've been using to heal: makeup pads in my skates to help cushion it, applying Neosporin every night to soothe it and prevent infection (because it's been an open wound for a week and a half now), and spraying it with New Skin every morning and before and after every time I'm in my skates. The New Skin has really helped it re-open less frequently, so overall it's much less swollen and painful. Also, special shoutout to Biofreeze: I could never get through rehearsals without you.

Natural skincare. My skin doesn't love makeup and we wear a ton of it here. This year, I've been using the Burt's Bees Micellar Cleansing Water to take my makeup off after shows, and it is so cooling and refreshing. Plus, I've been using some special Burt's Bees oil for breakouts, and moisturizing with witch hazel. All of it feels fantastic.

I am so grateful to be here, and to keep gaining these show experiences. Most of all, though, I'm excited to really be here. To soak it in. Embrace every inch of it. And celebrate everything it took to get here. I never want to forget that a year and a half ago, none of this felt attainable. Life is so crazy that we get to do things like this, guys!

These are the days, let's enjoy them.

xoxo Gillian

Showgirl Things #1

The best part of this photo is our reflections in the ice!!

I have now been in Orlando for 41 days, and have performed in 30 shows. We are currently in the middle of a few days off before this Friday (December 14), when we start having shows every day through New Year's. We have 37 shows left!

Because of all the thoughts this new experience has spurred, I thought it would be fun to start a small blog series to record the things I learn, notice, and try throughout different contracts. Welcome to Showgirl Things #1!

So what have I learned, after a month and a half, my first rehearsal process, and doing the same half hour show several times a night? That this world is a weird little world of it's own, and I've still got so much to learn.

There are no topics off-limits in a dressing room. Before and between shows, our topics of conversation have included: boyfriends, periods, sex, sloths, ingrown hairs, our weirdest pimples, toe hair, wine, beer, places to drink wine and beer, church, marriage, plus lots of personal stories of struggle and family and what's coming next. The good, the bad, and the ugly; if you're thinking about it, it's okay to talk about it.

Speak Up. Despite how it felt (for me) at first, it is NOT embarrassing to admit you didn't hear what the choreographer said, or didn't understand a note, or something on your costume broke, or you're costume is uncomfortable, or you actually can't do what they're asking you to. It is embarrassing to NOT say something and then, later, be dealing with not knowing the steps, making the same mistake, dealing with a costume that doesn't work, or constantly missing an element. Be honest, and speak up for yourself.

Listen to everyone who tells you to buy Biofreeze and ice your feet. Rehearsal Day 1, I was told to ice my feet and ankles. I ignored them, because "I've had long practices before" and "we weren't even jumping". By Day 3, I was sitting with a bucket of ice every night and looking forward to it. Get ahead of it! Prevent injury! Help your muscles recuperate!



Modesty is overrated. The first time you see people chilling without clothes, it will be weird. But the second? Meh. No one is looking at you. So take off your bra and towel the sweat off. You'll feel much better.

Be a whole person. If skating is your job, then you have to find something else to bring you joy. Host move nights. Be the one that always brings food. Start a new hobby. But make sure you have interests other than skating.

Pre-Set Leaving For The Night. Every night, we pre-set our costumes for quick changes. It only took me a month and a half, but I finally realized how the veterans get out so quickly at night: they pre-set leaving. So now, before the last show, I put my makeup away, lay out the clothes I'm changing into, fill my water bottle, and try to get things ready to go. It makes it much easier to deal with packing up while sweaty and tired when half of it is done.

Don't gossip. Don't give notes. I love talking. It's hard to keep my mouth shut. The people I see here who have accomplished the most in their skating careers don't bad mouth other skaters or choreographers or producers, don't give notes, don't blame, and our very selective about who they vent to.

Sleep In (Not Always). Since we're all in evening shows, I've been sleeping a lot. And enjoying it. But! Don't squander the opportunity for growth. This contract is pretty sweet in that the schedule is definitely not crazy. So, I've been trying to use my free time to get better at yoga, run and do pilates more often, journal, and find work for when this is done! Explore. Workout. Cook. Read. It's so much more fun to be busy.

You were hired because you deserve this. So focus on what you need to do. I have definitely found myself acting embarrassed while on practice ice because I was working on jumps that I can't land, and was worried other skaters were judging me. But, firstly, that's almost definitely all in my head and, secondly, who cares? We were hired for the same job. We all have different strengths. Working on hard things make you better. Don't avoid that just to look good.



Find moments to really appreciate what's happening. So, yes. It's the same show, twice a night. Some nights go better than others. But the last thing I want, is for this incredible opportunity, that I've dreamed of and worked towards for so long, to start to feel stale. This is the only advice on this list that is coming directly from me, and isn't something I've stolen from another cast member: find a spot to just be grateful. In our finale, the music starts to crescendo as we skate to our final poses, they start shooting off fireworks from the lake our stage is in front of (!!), and together we stop and start spinning before hitting our final pose. During that stop, I look straight up, really watch the fireworks, and really see the magic of the moment and what we're doing, and with all the stress lifted because the show is practically over, I think about how amazing it is that this is my job. This little moment feels very meditative. I recommend finding one for whatever your day-to-day is.

I am really loving it here! I've learned so much, and I actually felt at home fairly quickly. I want more of this in my future, that's for sure.

Thanks for reading! Be the grittiest.

xoxo Gillian

Change is good! Adventure is good!

From my run Saturday morning.

Today, I'm writing this blog post from the couch of my hotel room in Orlando, Florida. Yesterday, we started rehearsals for Sea World's Winter Wonderland on Ice. So begins, then, my first contract as a professional figure skater (!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

After attending the ProSkaters Open Auditions in Sun Valley, Idaho, this past July, I ended up getting cast as a member of the ensemble for the holiday shows at Sea World. I've known I had the offer since about mid-August, and I officially signed my contract in September.

And guys, I am freaking out. This has been my dream for years. Getting skating to the point where it can be a career has always been what I wanted, but as recently as a few months ago, that dream seemed unattainable and far-fetched. So now to be here, a paid member of a holiday show cast, sharing the ice as an equal with skaters I admire? INCREDIBLE.

Things are going pretty good so far. The entire month of October, I worked really hard to fight down my anxiety over the contract. I'm actually pretty confident about the skating side of things, because I feel like I'm pretty good at picking up choreography from my years with Theater on Ice and American Ice Theater. But quick changes? Being away from home for 2 months? Having a roommate? That part was all new and definitely scary. 

I flew in on Thursday and got to the hotel at around 7:30pm. I unpacked, met my roommate, and watched some Friends. Friday morning we started early, at 9am, for orientation, a few meetings, and costume fittings. At the end of the day, we had open ice so that we could practice, and the choreographer could get a sense of what tricks we had and how we looked as an ensemble. 

Rehearsals officially started Saturday, but most of our calls aren't until mid-afternoon. So, I went for a long walk/run in the morning to get a sense of my surroundings and explore a bit. Where we are is the resort area, so other than the theme parks, there actually isn't a ton of stuff around. I was able to locate some restaurants (yay Panera!), a smoothie place, a coffee shop, and a grocery store that's within walking distance. I'm definitely missing not having a car...a few members of the cast have vehicles, and they've been great about picking the rest of us up and helping us get around, but it is a little annoying to not be completely independent. Finding some spots that I can walk to will definitely make me feel better!

Rehearsals were so much fun on Saturday!! It was so fun to learn the choreography, It's all wonderfully cheesy and Christmas-y and I already love it. Afterwards, a big group of us sat in our hotel room, finished off a bottle of wine, and talked and laughed and got to know each other.

This morning (Sunday), I got up and went on another exploratory run with another skater, Erin. After a run and long rehearsal yesterday, and then a run this morning, my muscles are already sore! I definitely need to up the ice baths and yoga and rolling out my muscles haha. After our run, we sat and ate breakfast and chatted more. I LOVE being alone, and love having my own space, but I'm so glad I got to really connect with her this morning. Yesterday I spent the entire day alone until rehearsals, because my roommate wasn't around, and I have to admit I got a little lonely. 

As someone who isn't used to having very much free time, all of a sudden having the entire morning off is kind of unsettling. I was really looking forward to having that space before getting here, but now, having so much time and being in a new place feels a little lonely. But I also realize it's a great opportunity, so I'm really excited to have some time to work on some projects for myself, like getting back to writing, reading more, and doing more running and yoga. Plus, since we're contractors for Sea World, we get into all of the parks for free. I'm definitely looking forward to spending some mornings, especially weekday mornings before the holidays when the parks are pretty quiet, getting on some rides!

My roommate's dog, Maggie.

Other than that, it's really just been getting my feet under me in terms of food and establishing a little routine. Getting a handle on how to eat healthy (there are costumes to fit in!) and cheaply, with just a stovetop, is gonna be a little bit hard to learn. Since all of our work is later in the day, the timing of my day is also changing, because I've been going to sleep later and getting up later. I've been trying to get in the habit of doing some journaling and working out in the morning, and then either exploring or writing afterwards. I also still need to figure out extra time to skate for myself, which is proving a little harder to schedule than I'd hoped. 

One fun thing though! My roommate brought her dog with her, so I've been getting to know Maggie, her cute little German shepherd/corgi mix! I am decidedly not a dog person, and actually am usually scared of dogs I don't know. But Maggie is super sweet, and literally shaped like a potato. I really like her already! I love having a pet in the room, I'm actually alone with her right now and it already feels so much less lonely!

So there we have it! That's pretty much what's been going on. Overall, it's a lot to get used to, and a lot of feelings, but I'm so grateful to be here. I'm happy that after all these years auditioning and training and sending out videos and getting rejected, I stuck it out to make it here. This is a great opportunity I've found myself in, and I'm determined to take full advantage of it. It felt like a big leap to leave home and quit my job at the school, and I want to do my best to keep going and never go back to something that's just a dead-end job. 

I'm determined to do my best here, and while everything still feels so scary and unsettling, I'm excited to see where this all could lead. Adventure is good! Change is good! And this contract is definitely full of both of those. 

Happy Monday! Be the grittiest.

xoxo Gillian

Learning from a Christmas Project

Last November, I got a random Instagram DM from a guy I grew up with. Caleb Chamberlain, who was part of the same local homeschool community as me, is a photographer/filmmaker now, and working on the creative team at a local branch of Next Level Church. We met for coffee, and he explained that he wanted to create a video countdown, centered around a figure skating program, to use during before the worship team came out at NLC's Christmas services. He had reached out to find out if I would be interested in choreographing/performing it.

I was interested right away (because all you have to do to get my attention is say 'skating'), but I also knew that this was a big undertaking for just one person. So, I told Caleb I would, if I could bring one of my friends on board. And with that, I'd roped one of my closest friends and TOI teammates, Katherine Vitaro into it (don't worry, she was elated).

This is what we came up with:

The filming and editing are great, Caleb and his team did a great job and were fun to work with. We filmed it pretty late at night in a local rink, and watching them set up (and fly a drone!) was so much fun, and a great experience.

It's been almost 3 months since this project was completed, but I took my time writing this because I didn't know what I wanted to say. It's taken a long time for me to sort out my feelings on this one. I have moments where I'm really proud of what we did, and then others where I'm disappointed.  Now that I have this footage, I wish I could take some white-out and a sharpie to a couple of places.

I do not consider myself a choreographer. At all. I love artistic skating, and I think I'm good at performing, but I don't think of myself as someone's who's great at choreography. My experience comes from one choreo competition, a handful of Christmas show numbers, and putting together programs for a couple of Learn to Skate students. Part of why I was so interested in this was the fact that it would be challenging: and it was!

This isn't about ripping apart the work that Kat and I did. We completed something! Something we'd never done before! That is an achievement. But, I do have some thoughts on what I'll do differently next time:

01: I will think through logistics much earlier, and much more thoroughly. Kat and I live 2 hours away from each other. We both have two jobs. Giving up ice that I use for my personal practice is hard, and something I don't really like doing. Next time there's a project like this, I'm going to be a lot more realistic with how long it will take, and identify definite times to work on it BEFORE accepting. Of course doing fun projects requires some long days and late nights! But a lot of stress could have been avoided if I'd pre-planned better.

02: I will have better communication with the rest of the team, and a have a process for evaluating first drafts. I think what we choreographed would have looked much better from the stands than it necessarily does in the video. Having never done anything like this, it was really hard to picture exactly how they were going to film it. I wish that I'd been more responsible about asking questions, and had thought to maybe do some pre-shoots or something, so we could both get a feel for how the other was going to handle their end of the project.

03: I would use smaller movements, instead of trying to cover so much ice. Again: our stadium-skater brains took over on this one. I think it would have looked much better on film if we had used more sustained movements that took up less space, than powering around the rink in traditional skater fashion.

04: I would have more movements featuring us together. Watching it now, this is what I want more of.

05: I'd do something about my hands. Sometimes I get these weird scarecrow hands. Personal pet peeve. I need to work on fixing them.

06: I would have asked to be part of the selection of what clips were used. I think it's very hard for a non-skater to pick out the same moments a skater would. There are definitely some mistakes and hesitations that I personally would have replaced with other clips of the same section, but I think it's hard to see all of that when you're a non-skater working without a skating vocabulary. This could be totally out of line, but I think it would have helped.

BUT. There are some things here I'd definitely do again:

01: Try something new. I am happy we tackled this project because I never would have learned the six things above without it. This is the creative life: you're inspired, you try, you don't like it, but next time you try, it will probably go better. Fingers crossed, anyways.

02: Don't give up on it. Kat and I hit many walls with this project. Both of us fell victim to being uninspired, stuck, and having lots of doubts. Luckily, we felt this way at different times, and could help pull each other out of it. I'm happy we stuck it out, even while not always liking what we were coming up with.

03: Try to give an unstructured prompt a very specific story. We were told to skate to Carol of the Bells. That was it. With so much room, the first thing we did was agree on some sort of storyline. While it may not be obvious to a viewer, it anchored what we were trying to do. I think this was really helpful to us both.

I just finished reading Jenna Fischer's new book The Actor's Life. I LOVED it, and think every person wanting to live a creative life should read it. In it, she talked about the importance of showing up and doing the work. Of course we all want to be perfect, or at the very least good. But that isn't realistic every single day. Instead of always aiming for perfection, we need to aim to challenge ourselves, try new things, and approach everything with a growth mindset.

There are many things I would change about this project, but I am looking forward to taking all of that to the next thing, instead of ruminating on this one any longer. There is work to be done.

Be the grittiest! 

xoxo Gillian

Remember To Talk To The Ice

Last night, I got to go to what the Boston skating community knows as an Underground. Adam Blake, who choreographs everything from Ross Miner, to the Haydenettes, to Disney on Ice, to our entire TOI program, puts them on occasionally. Usually held pretty late at night, he comes up with a dance combo for us to learn, and then we take it to the ice. He does a lot of hip hop in his choreography, so these combos usually have a lot of that, too. After we officially learn and practice it on the ice, we alternate doing it all together, splitting into big groups, and splitting into small groups. He films all the different groupings, and eventually pulls them together into a video. 

As we were warming up on the ice, he turned out the lights and set tea candles on the boards all the way around the rink. He told us to listen as we skated in our own space, without acknowledging other people, and take some time to talk to the ice. 

When you're in a relationship, he says, you can't ignore your person for days and weeks at a time, and then come home and expect everything to be fine. You need to talk to them. You need to show them you're grateful for them and excited by them. You can tell them when they make you nervous, or even when you're mad at them. You need to tell them when they're the reason you're happy.

It's the exact same thing with the ice. Adam said, that as we get busy coaching or choreographing or fulfilling contracts or even just doggedly training every day, we can forget to keep talking to the ice. And then, we're surprised when it doesn't talk back! To keep skating accessible to us, to bring our truest, strongest, most creative selves to the rink, we need to keep talking to it. 

It's not like I'm competing at the Olympics. But even while preparing for tests, local competitions, and auditions, it can be easy to loose sight of what I love about skating. With the pressure to check off accomplishments and rush to get things done, it's very easy to not take the time to think about what you're doing out there. When you're hustling to run your program, practice all your jump passes, and train your spins, it's easy to go a stretch of days or weeks when you skate a lot but don't make anything new. 

The best part, is that talking to the ice doesn't require a lot of time. You could make up new spin combinations, or funky arm variations. You could try doing different tricks into your jump entrances. You could put yourself through your own warm-up edge class with footwork patterns you create, or on empty sessions, put on music and allow yourself to do some improv. Talking to the ice is just like playing: it could be doing Showcase duets with a friend, doing knee slides across the ice, or even making a point to perform more in every program runthrough. 

Skating is an intense sport that requires a lot of physical ability and hard training. But it's also a performing art. Our programs aren't stagnant, they're living and breathing, and they're different every time we skate them. While it's important to be a great skater from a technical viewpoint, we can't ignore the fact that what we're doing out there is art. So it's worth it to look up. Perform. Understand the story you're trying to tell. And give yourself the room to create something that's honest, and that you're proud of.

Saturday night was an absolute BLAST. Thank you, Adam, for the incredible opportunity to do stuff like this. Feeling extra inspired and excited to catch up with the ice tomorrow.

Be the grittiest!!

xoxo Gillian

Training For Novice Freeskate

The other night at skating, it really hit me how hard getting through this Novice Freestyle test is going to be.

For readers that don't skate: to move up levels in skating, we need to pass tests that are created by the United States Figure Skating Association. There are multiple tracts to choose from, like Moves in the Field (footwork patterns), Freestyle (typical programs with jumps in spins), Pattern Dance, Free Dance, and so many more. Generally, there are eight levels in each tract. Once you pass all of them, you become a USFA Gold Medalist in that discipline (like becoming a black belt!). Right now, I'm a Moves in the Field Gold Medalist and am working on becoming a Freestyle Gold Medalist. I'm currently training for my Novice test, which is third to the last, followed by Junior and Senior.

I passed Intermediate Freestyle this past August, a test that took me two and a half years to get through. Although I've been skating since I was three, I started in an extremely recreation-based program, which led to spending most of my time in group lessons or private lessons with recreation-minded coaches. A late bloomer to higher-level skating, I didn't start landing axels and doubles until I was 18.

The move between being an Intermediate skater and a Novice skater is really hard. For Intermediate, the only jumps you need to pass are your singles, an axel, a double-salchow, and a double-single combination. For Novice, on the other hand, I need an axel, double-salchow, double-toe-loop, double-loop, and a double-double. Given that I need six jump passes, I'm doing two axels. And, since axels are relatively thoughtless now, I'm doing more complicated patterns into them, like 180's and spread-eagles.

That is all awesome! But. It means I have to worry about every. single. jump pass. This is the first time I've had to think that way!

At the moment, this test program is kicking my butt. For Intermediate, I focused-in and intensely trained for it, with no thought to anything else, for about 4 months. That was after having already had the program and been sort of working on it for about two years (I know. I'm the worst). Even then, it took skating about ten hours a week, three lessons a week, doing the jump patterns over and over and running through the program at least twice if not three times a session to make it trend towards mostly clean run-throughs. If I did all of that for Intermediate, and still messed up one jump in the actual program when I took it, what on earth am I going to have to do for Novice?!

Fresh out of high school, I knew that all I wanted to do was improve at skating and figure out someway to turn it into a career. At 18, I was simultaneously completely oblivious and unaware of my (lack of) quality of skating, lack of experiences, and who I even was as a skater, while also throwing myself into anxious, panicked fits of self-loathing and inadequacy. I knew that in that exact moment I wasn't hire-able  in any capacity, and while I kept the softest flame of hope that with a lot of work I could be, I also had zero idea of how to make it happen.

But. That was two (almost three!) years ago. Today, I've left my limiting coach situations behind, and now have a dedicated team that's working for me. I've made the cut on higher-level TOI teams, competed internationally with them, and worked with top choreographers. I've attended auditions, competed Showcase, and gone to every single workshop and seminar I can get myself to.

I am nervous about Novice, because I want to pass it this winter (I'm talking this December or January, at the latest). My program is not a typical test-program with a lot of filler stroking; every single second is choreographed, and that is making it even harder. But, I'm also super excited, because I feel that while getting this trained enough will be hard, I also feel like it's totally doable.  Passing Intermediate was a big deal for me because it was about more than just passing the test: it was about staying committed to skating as an adult, making changes to my life so my my dreams became achievable goals, and finally conquering some of the mental demons that had been holding me back for years. I did a lot of good work--on the ice, off the ice, in my head--to get Intermediate ready. I'm totally capable of doing that for Novice, too.

In order to pass Novice in 1-2 months, I'm putting my energy towards these things:

-Completing 2-3 run-throughs every single session.
-Practicing my jumps almost entirely in pattern, and in sequence with the other jumps, too.
-Committing to never quitting run-throughs (a bad habit of mine!), and fighting through the bad ones instead.
-Using this program for several holiday shows that are coming up, so I can practice executing the jumps under pressure.
-Doing cardio off the ice again, to improve my stamina.
-Staying mentally positive and focused, and putting emphasis on how I'm working through issues, not the fact that there are issues.

I finally feel like anything I want to accomplish is within my wheelhouse, it's just a question of whether or not I decide to commit to the process of getting there. That's kind of a cool place to be.

Best! xoxo

Gillian

Audition Video Progress

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Over the years, I've talked a lot about my ultimate, dream goal: to work for a professional skating company, like Disney on Ice or Willy Bietak. That dream has gone through many stages. There was the the shiny-eyed stage at 13, when getting in seemed so attainable for my future adult self. This was followed by the complete inadequacy stage of about 18, when graduation was just around the corner and I felt like I'd fooled myself into believing show skating was an option. This led into the desperation stage of 19, where I tried to put myself out there (and took some huge steps!) but was so nervous that I couldn't count on myself to really perform well.

But now, I think I've entered the courage stage. I'm 20 years-old, and feel very at peace with my skating. I will always want to be better, and strive to be better, but I'm not letting that want distract me from all the things I can currently do. I'm being more professional with how I approach getting a show job, but I've also switched my mindset so that now, I'm doing it for me. Even if nothing ever comes from it, I love skating. I like this process. It's a challenging way for me to put myself out there, and I grow so much with each step. I really like this stage, guys. 

After literally years of video attempts, I finally contacted a professional to actually do it. We met on Saturday during one of the club sessions, and got all the filming done! I used Tap House Media, an awesome local company. We actually know the founders through their parents, and Heidi was so wonderful. I thought I might be nervous, or self-conscious, but the whole morning was so comfortable and fun. 

The night before I made a list of everything I wanted to remember to do, and I think we got it all in there.  I came up with some footwork sequences to show off different things, and spent a lot of time spinning and doing show tricks like spread eagles and illusions. My jumping has been a little weird lately, so I saved that until the end, with the plan to send her some of my own jumping videos if I couldn't do any good ones while she was there. But not to worry! I landed axels and double salchows! I'm slowly but surely pulling myself out of this rut. My jumps are definitely my weakest area when it comes to qualifications, so I wish I could showcase more doubles, entrance variations, and combos to show. At some point this year, I'd like to make an updated jumping reel so I have more to send out, but with the season I've had for jumping, I'm actually really happy with what got filmed.

At the very end, I ran through my showcase program. Late summer, I worked with Kate McSwain to choreograph it and I am so in love with it. The music is a Boogie Woogie Bugel Boy/Candyman medley, and it's very retro and rockabilly. I still need to work on consistently landing my jumps in it, but I'm so excited to take it to a showcase competition. I do love the faces and acting that's in this program, so I really wanted snippets of it in the video. 

It felt so good to finally take this step! When the video's ready, I'll definitely be sharing it here. Action is the best way to cure feelings of inadequacy.

Happy Monday! xoxo

Last Quarter Goals

I feel like God presents you with the lessons, or quotes, or people, or opportunities, that you most need at the time. I believe that good can come out of any situation, as long as we stay hopeful and make the most of what's presented to us. 

As a future-oriented person, I've always had a fair amount of anxiety about goals and careers and what I want my life to look like. While it's not a good thing, I'm a worrier by nature, and sometimes I can channel that worry into drive, and use it to help me actually reach my goals. I tend to have a lot of skill-based worries. I never doubt my vision, I never doubt my work ethic, or my stamina. But I'll often find myself worrying about my inadequacy in one specific area, and then using that as my excuse for never moving forward.

I have always wanted to audition for skating shows. In many ways, it's the only thing I've really known I wanted to do. And while I've put myself out there in various ways (like Knoxville!), I've also sometimes found myself holding back. I haven't always understood this, but now I do. I've held back because I'm afraid of being inadequate. I'm afraid of being rejected, of people thinking it's a silly thing to try and then me looking silly if I try and then fail. But I've also held back because I'm afraid of being successful, and then found out. I'm afraid that somehow, I'll get cast or start talking to someone or something, only for them to slowly realize that I'm actually not that great. And I fully realize that this is the most ridiculous thing I could possibly be scared of. But I'm terrified of it.

One of my coaches pointed out, though, that I am doing this for me. I love skating as a lifestyle, and I don't ever want to stop skating. I love performing, I love practicing, I love experimenting, but the enjoyment of those things don't diminish just because I'm not being recognized, or because I wish I was better.

I have tunnel vision. Some say it's a good thing, but lately I've been working on fixing the negative side effects of it. My tunnel vision tells me that if I don't get my act together and become a perfect skater in a month I will never be anything, period. But I know that life is so much more full than that. And that while skating is a huge and ever-growing part of me, it's my attitude, work ethic, what I do with friends, the conversations with my mom, my go-to coffee order, and my favorite sitcoms that make me me, and a much better me than the tunnel-skating-me. In the same way, within skating I can get so focused on landing a particular jump, that I start to obsess over it to the point that you'd think it was all that skating was. And it's not. I love choreography, combination spins, footwork patterns, making faces. Just like we need well-rounded lives, it's well-rounded skating that provides the most fulfillment. And messing up one jump doesn't  diminish that at all.

We are all so much more than one thing, and thank goodness for that. Our lives hold every possibility of infinite things to do. We would be pretty boring if we limited ourselves to only one specific thing.

I am so excited to be entering this last quarter of 2016. I am excited to try new things and buckle down on old things. I'm excited to put forward my best self, free of inhibitions and crippling doubts. I wrote a list of goals for October-December that is making me wicked motivated, because while it's a tough list, it's also a totally doable list. In the interest of privacy (I know! Strange concept for me!) I haven't shared all of them, but don't worry, you'll see the rest once they're completed.

Goals for October-December 2016:
-Pass Intermediate Freeskate.
-Compete in a showcase competition (Cannot wait to tell you more about this!).
-Read The Two Towers.
-Pay back some bills I've had to sit on. 
-Make progress saving for this year's travel.
-Consistently workout 3 days a week (Currently have zero off-ice routine and it's a problem).
-Get an internship/shadow/become a staff writer, do something. And do a good job, preferably.
-Code something. Just a random thing to learn!
-Do at least 4 social friend things.
-Meet friends in Boston.
-Blog post once a week.
-Knit 10 more things.
-Make an audition video.

I am excited for what's next. I'm ready for what's next. What's getting you motivated for the last quarter of the year?

Happy Monday! xoxo

Summer 2016

Before last week, we hadn't talked since the end of April!  Here's a peek into the past 4ish months...because let's be honest, the blog silence started way before April!

In April we Act 1 ladies learned an entirely new Freeskate! After getting critiqued at the Vermont Theater on Ice Festival, we decided that while our CE was full of potential, our Freeskate needed a new direction. It was definitely a risky move 2 1/2 months before Nationals, but we took the plunge and pulled in Adam Blake. Oh. My. Goodness. I have never had so much fun in my life! After a week of long practices, we finished it, and then stood around in a mixture of awe for Adam and pride in our team. An experience I'll never forget!

Act 1 also skated in Ice Chips: Show of Champions. On my own, I was a soloist for my home club's annual spring show, and most exciting of all...I passed Senior Moves! I was very proud of my skating that day, and got a 4.7 or higher on every element (passing average is 4.5). For someone that hated moves in the field at first, and didn't even test until my freshman year of high school, passing senior after just a 5-year period was extremely satisfying!

Spotlight on Theatrical Skating (can you tell we're cold?!).

In May we did two competitions with Act 1, the North Shore Open and Spotlight On Theatrical Skating. We won both! Perks of being the only senior team in the area, haha! Seriously though, these competitions were a great way for us to get feedback that was especially useful to us with such a new freeskate. Experience skating outside of practice in any venue is always helpful!

Another exciting May highlight was wedding dress shopping with my best friend!

In June I focused a lot on getting outside, spending more time with my family, and going out with friends more often. The pace was a little slower...for the first two weeks, anyways! After that, everything got busy with Nationals!

The 2016 National Theater on Ice Competition was incredible! I loved the experience of competing on a senior team verses a junior team, but there were so many good programs from all levels. Honestly, some of my favorite events were Special Olympics and Preliminary! We placed fourth, coming home with a pewter medal. While this is not the placement we were hoping for, I personally was very proud of our team. We went up against a lot this year, and I love how adaptable and hard working and open minded we were this season.

In July I came home, but not before spending the 4th in Nashville with my mom! I loved how local Nashville felt, it seemed almost small-town for such a big city. I would love to go back at some point.

A few days after coming home, my grandmother on my dad's side passed away from brain cancer. We knew it was coming, but were (of course) still hoping for more time with her. In a way, it was almost comforting to know she was no longer in pain. The cancer really changed her, and at the end she was not even recognizeable as herself. I will always really hate, though, that my last memories of her are so pained. We moved my grandfather in with my aunt, and thankfully, that is going very well.

In August we tried to hold on to the last lazy summer days, but to be honest, I was getting itchy for the 'new' year and regular schedules and skating to start back up. I coached my own private student who I met through group lessons and stuck with me through the summer, and focused on my own skating lessons. I also went to two workshops for American Ice Theater of Boston, and started working on putting together a Showcase program.

The most exciting thing about August, though, was my best friend's wedding! Deanna and I have been friends for about 10 years, and being a part of her wedding was such a joy! Having been by each other's sides through first boyfriends, and school, and first jobs, and then her starting to talk to Jake (her husband) at Teen Conference, and then dating, and their engagement, it was just an honor to be by her side at her wedding. It's not everyday you get two great friends in one couple!

And In September...most of the rest of the calendar year is up in the air, as it's currently unclear what coaching will look like and I'm waiting to be pointed in the right direction in terms of day job. I'm putting most of my focus right now into creating a showcase program to compete with this year, which is all new to me and really exciting. I'm also going to take my Intermediate Freeskate test this fall, so a lot of prep is going into making that test ready.

After auditions with TOI of Boston, I was placed on Act 1, their senior-level team, again. I am so, so grateful to skate with this amazing group again and am really looking forward to this season. We started choreographing last weekend, and I came away so pumped up and ready for more!

I have to admit, this was an extremely busy summer! But thankfully, it was busy because we had far more blessings and opportunities than negatives. While it's crazy that it's already September, I am looking forward to the fall schedule and settling in, not to mention fair season and fall leaves and hot coffee.

So how has your summer been? And what's your September going to be like?

Thanks for reading! xoxo

Knoxville, Part 2

Part 1.

I'm just going to say it: I was actually really disappointed with myself about my Knoxville ProSkater audition.

I felt like I wasn't friendly enough. Bright enough. Good enough. Like I wasted an opportunity to make a great first impression by selling myself short.

And, yes. I still feel that way. Next year, there's a lot of things I'll be doing differently.

But there will be a next year. As I was processing my disappointment over these past few weeks, it sparked a shift in my own thoughts. I will stay committed to my dreams. To my goals. I will keep working hard, keep improving, keep experimenting until I hit on where I need to be. 

Throughout highschool, continuing to skate and putting 'Disney on Ice' as my goal was shiny, exciting, and very, very far off. This year, my first out of school, has been scary and stressful for the simple fact that now, I need to actually make something happen. And that's a huge jump to make.

But I'm in the process of shifting my attitude. Regardless of the fact I didn't get a job from this particular audition, I'm proud that I went. I'm proud I put myself out there and tried something new. I didn't leave with a job, but I left with the tools to keep trying to get one. And while in the moment that felt disappointing, I'm realizing that's a huge step, too.

Knoxville brought to light a couple of key takeaways:

I am building a whole life.

Don't get tunnel vision to the point that you hurt yourself. I'm focusing on being healthy and happy on the ice, but also off the ice with church, coaching, writing, and being social. There's a lot of life to live, and I don't want to miss an opportunity because I was hyper-focused on one path.

Which brings me to...

There is no one path.

Every presenter in Knoxville had a different story. There were only three common factors between them: they worked hard, they were open to opportunities, and they loved skating. Outside of that, every single one was wildly different.

I've never been 'normal' a single day in my life. I was homeschooled K-12 in a conservative church of Christ home where we had horses instead of dogs and should chickens through 4-H instead of selling girl scout cookies. Never in my life have I taken the busy road, so why would I start now? Rather than worrying about the things I feel I should have done, I'm focusing on actively doing great things now. I'm excited for my path to be different.

I have not even come close to trying. Not yet.

And I mean that in the most positive way possible.

My initial reaction coming home from Knoxville was, "WHAaaaaatTTTT will I do nooooowwww?! I'm done! Done! Unwanted! Washed up! I will never make it! I tried. Yes, I tried this one singular time, and that's it! They did not want me! They will never want me! I missed my shot."

I don't care what your goal is, but at 19, that monologue will never (ever) be accurate.

There is so much more room for me. So much more room for me to grow, mature, put things out there, and chase other opportunities. I have not even scratched the surface on chasing this goal, which means I have amazing options in front of me, and that is very exciting.

I was on the ice for three and a half blissful hours yesterday. My senior moves are on the brink of peaking again for my test in two weeks. I landed five double salchows after a horrible few weeks of not landing any, and I was *this* close to landing a double toe-loop. Yesterday was such a fantastic day, and I'm still beaming about it.

I have control of my life. Often, I freak out and fully believe I don't. But I'm getting better at stopping when that happens, figuratively poking me ribs, and saying: No. You are in control of the choices you are making, and you have the power to keep making choices that bring you towards your goals.

And isn't that an amazing thing to be grateful for?

Happy Thursday! xoxo

PS-Here's the video from the audition if you're interested! Music is Lady by Regina Spektor.

Knoxville, Part 1

Photo Cred: The Ice Chalet

Doubt is a killer.

For months now, I've been living with a tireless pit in the bottom of my stomach. It flares up when I've had a bad practice. It flares up when I'm at my part-time retail job, so far removed from what I really want.

Being a show skater has been my end goal for years. It is a very integral part of what I hope is a lifelong career in skating. But as a 19 year-old, almost a year out of high school, I've been feeling so much pressure to really get it going. 

Now granted, most of that pressure is coming from me. I'm the one worrying. Comparing. Judging. I'm the one who believes I'm a horrible skater just because I've had a bad practice, or not put together because I've made one clumsy mistake. All this pressure I'm talking about is coming from me, not others. But it is no less anxiety-inducing. 

I have an extreme fear of being stuck. It may seem contradictory, given my love of routines and how uncomfortable I can be with new situations, but I live in fear that I will end up stuck. That a year from now, nothing will be really that different. That I'll miss my opportunities to leave my job, be skilled at my passion, create something new. 

That's what was on my mind on a Saturday afternoon in February. I was excited about skating and was making lists of everything I wanted to do...but I was also giving myself a panic attack over the fact that I might not be able to make all those dreams come true. 

And that's when I stumbled on ProSkaters. And, right on the home page, an advertisement for the 2016 Pro Skater Performance Camp and Live Audition in Knoxville, Tennessee. 

I quickly read through everything. Held in March, it's a weekend camp focused on educating aspiring show skaters with on and off ice classes. It culminates in a show with group numbers you learn over the weekend, and a chance to audition a solo. The best part? Casters from major ice shows sit in the front row the entire time. A fun-filled weekend put on by top choreographers, it has a high success rate and many skaters have been cast after being spotted there.

I showed it to my mom. And in the matter of an afternoon, just three weeks before the event, we decided I had to go. 

And I am so glad I did. Doubt is a killer. It's debilitating. And I have spent far too much time worrying about whether or not I'm good enough, instead of simply putting myself out there and finding out. 

I don't believe I'll be getting any offers this go-around. We had the opportunity to speak to all the casters after the auditions, and I have to admit, I was scared. In my 4-H days, I spoke in front of crowds, led groups, and was interviewed constantly. But now, I'm supposed to be an adult going for a real job and unlike my 4-H self, I'm not completely confident in my ability to nail it. And that shows.

And, as I've learned, comes back to haunt me. I'm not overly proud of the first impression I made. I didn't feel put-together, or confident, or strong. My routine was clean, but the performance was sorely lacking. I was nervous and didn't put my best foot forward.

Doubt is a killer. It got to me this weekend, and my skills--my work--suffered because of it. 

I am not allowing that again.

It is the human condition to have insecurities, to sell ourselves short. It's something I've personally dealt with on a seemingly daily basis since Freshman year. I've made a lot of progress towards having confidence in myself, but I definitely take steps back sometimes. Skating, unfortunately, always seems to bring up the worst insecurities. 

I took so much away from this weekend. I learned on ice techniques, some great choreography, what I have to work on, and tips for getting a contract. But I was also made aware about parts of myself I haven't had to deal with before. On the ride home, I made a long list of skating moves I want to learn or improve on. But I think I'll be making a second list of mental shifts to make as well. 

Like to stop feeling so down about this 'rejection', because it was my first time trying. And to stop feeling like I'm running out of time, because no 19 year old can possibly have tried hard enough yet. To spend less time worrying about what others will be wearing/eating/doing, and simply be myself. To realize that no one will think you're silly for trying to sell yourself. To realize that you're trying to be a show skater, and silly is allowed (duh!). To be more present and focused and learning in the moment instead of always running a few steps ahead (or behind!). And to take more deep breaths, and walk up and start talking to more people.

I'll admit, doubt got the better of me this past weekend. I let it control me and it cost me the ability of  making a good first impression. But while doubt may reside in the back of mind for awhile, I no longer have to listen, and certainly not give in to it. I am in control of my life. My choices. And to a large degree, my feelings. I, no outside force, decides if I'm stuck or not. And I am decidedly not. 

Thanks for reading! xoxo

PS-Check back in on Sunday for Knoxville, Part 2 where I share more details on what I learned, who I met, and my program! 

Junior Moves in the Field

This past Tuesday, I tested Junior Moves in the Field. I passed! Going into this test was a rather last minute decision. The consistency wasn't quite where we wanted it to be, but seeing as there really wasn't anything in September, we decided to take the risk and go for it. A huge motivator for me was my desire to officially be a 'Junior Lady' in moves before TOI Boston tryouts in September. Plus, I've been working on these patterns since I passed Novice in December, so I was very ready to move on!

Day of the test went pretty well. There were (as always!) timing issues concerning the judges and stuff, so we actually ended up getting a longer warm-up, so that was nice. The first pattern, Outside Rockers, was alright but rather slow. Not okay, since this test is all about power! On the Inside Rockers and Power Pulls I was able to pick up my speed, and I kept it throughout the test, especially with the Step Sequence (my favorite!).

My edges weren't great on the Choctaw and my back loops got a little bit off-track, so when the judges didn't let me off the ice immediately my coach and I thought I'd have to re-skate one of those. We were super surprised when they called me over and had me re-do the Outside Rockers! Their main complaint with those was my speed. I was so surprised that they wanted to see that again...instead of my Choctaw...that I just went and powered through the pattern without much nerves.

Truth be told, I passed by the skin of my teeth (total needed is a 24.0...I got two 24.0's and a 24.1), but I passed. I skated my best that day, and did a better job of presenting each element and acting like I was a mature, Junior Lady (which I've had trouble with in the past!). Highlight of the day was definitely one of the judges telling me that my step sequence was 'the best phrased she had ever seen.' Eeep! My coach and I worked really hard on the placement of that pattern, so that's exciting!

***

Skating, while being a source of so much joy, and purpose, and fulfillment for me, has also given me my fair share of doubt and frustration. I have always worried about the legitimacy of what I'm doing, since I've never really competed. And I've always felt 'wrong' that I was such a late-bloomer to the testing world (I didn't test my Pre-Pres until my Freshman year. I know).

But, this week I've been taking some time to just appreciate how far I've come. Back in the spring of my freshman year, I passed my first three tests: Pre-Preliminiary MIF, Preliminary MIF, and Pre-Preliminary Freeskate, all in the same day. Since then, I've gone on to pass the next five MIF tests and 3 freeskate tests within my time in high school. This time last year, it would be another two months before I tried (and failed) Novice for the first time. Now, I've passed Novice and Junior.

I am very proud of what I've been able to accomplish on the ice. It's taken me awhile, but I've finally realized that we all have our own path...and the bumps in my road just add to my story. This time next year, I have a very good chance of having passed my Senior MIF. And that is something to be proud of.

I am a very goal-oriented person, but I often get too wrapped up in the end-goal. I can get frustrated by the process, and forget how far I've come. In many ways, I feel like my skating journey is just beginning, and I've got a huge list of things I want to do. But I need to be better at reminding myself how far I've come, if only to gain inspiration as to where I'll be in another four years.

A new season, a new test to work on. No baggage. The road ahead looks very, very bright today.

Goals for the 'New' Year

I've been talking a little more lately about this new, extremely exciting post-grad life. But, I've not done a very good job of painting a full picture of it, so I thought I'd share the current goals I'm working towards. To save this post from being way too all over the place, I've categorized them.

Personal Training:

1.) Testing Junior Moves in the Field (hopefully by the end of the month). Super excited, since this is the second to last MIF test and I've been working on it since December.

2.) Land a double salchow and a double loop. They've been so much closer lately! I've been attempting them every single time I'm on the ice, and I'm really starting to feel 'ready'.

3.) Take jump lessons. I've been toying with the idea of getting an additional coach just for jumping, since my coach and I already have so much to work on, and I really think I want to give it a try.

4.) TOI Boston tryouts in September. I skated with TOI Boston last year and I'm really looking forward to skating with them this year! Last year I was on the Junior level team Ovation, and this year I'm tryout out for the senior level team Act 1.

5.) Daily yoga practice. I've gotten so out of the practice with yoga, and I'm really missing it. I'm going to try and be more conscientious about doing it everyday, since I notice such a big difference when I do. I'm also excited to be working on inversions! I've almost got a forearm headstand figured out!

6.) Off-ice training. Honestly, I've lost a lot of strength and endurance this summer (I blame asthma. But it's really just me being lazy). I'm getting gym membership, and am going to start 'real' workouts soon. I'm thinking mostly strength training with the machines (particularly upper body/core), and I'm going to meet with the gym trainer to figure it out. Kinda nervous, since I've never done the gym thing before, but I think it will help a lot!

Coaching & Work:

7.) Finish registering as a Basic Skills Instructor. I want to finish this THIS WEEK, and start sending out resumes/applications to local rinks.

8.) This isn't really a goal, but I'm training to be an assistant at my 'job' now. I work at a grocery store, so as an assistant I get to walk around and make voids and stuff. It's a change of pace.

9.) Sell stuff online. I've got so many school books, sewing patterns, and vintage clothes from that full-immersion phase that I want to sell online. I've been feeling very claustrophobic from all the clutter lately, plus I want to make this my 'save' money.

Randoms:

10.) Start eating better. I honestly feel like I have a food crisis every six months, but I'm having a really hard time feeling full and not shaky lately, even when I've supposedly eaten 'enough'. I want to be better about watching what I eat, and especially eating more fiber and protein verses carbs, and see if it goes away.

11.) Be a better emailer. Enough said.

12.) Post here twice a week. My goal is every Tuesday and Saturday, but seeing I'm posting this on a Sunday, we'll see how that goes....

13.) Backup everything on laptop, and buy a new laptop. My poor baby is ready to die and it's depressing.

Mind Games:

14.) Go on real self-dates. Get comfortable with alone time. Enjoy it.

15.) Take more chances, stop overthinking.

16.) Be an initiator when making plans with friends.

17.) Practice gratitude.

18.) Worry less about what people think.

19.) Stand up for myself more (and trust myself more).

20.) Don't get in my own way. Don't be lazy. Don't be dumb. Don't be fearful.

What are your goals and plans for the 'new' year?

Happy Sunday! xoxo

Northeast TOI Festival Recap & TOI Explanation

Goofing around with my friend and team-mate, Katie! Also, TOI Festival sweatshirts!

On the last weekend in March, we drove up to Burlington, VT, for Northeast Theater on Ice Festival! I know I've mentioned Theater on Ice a lot on the blog this year...but seeing it's one of the lesser-known aspects of figure skating, I thought this would be a really good opportunity to explain it a bit more!

Simply put: theater on ice is essentially competitive Disney on Ice. We compete with two programs: the Choreographic Exercise, or CE (short program) and the Freeskate (long program). There are teams for every level of skating, and it's recognized nationally by USFSA. There are also international competitions US TOI participates in, although in Europe it's called Ballet on Ice.

Theater on Ice has two distinct styles. The first is very Americanized TOI, and it focuses on props, costumes, and a well defined storyline (think Disney on Ice). The more Americanized version is very theatrical and usually humorous. Then there's the European style, which is a lot more abstract. Rather than telling a defined story, it generally deals with themes. As the US competes more internationally, some teams are focusing more on an abstract-style, while others still embrace the more theatrical American side.

The CE is skated first, and has much tighter rules than the Freeskate. Teams must wear all black, with minimum hair and makeup, and use no props. Each year, there are guidelines put out that describe what to choreograph into the CE. For instance, this year one of the elements is a form of 20th century dance. We also have to include cannon movement, which is skaters doing a similar movement one after the other (like how you sing 'Row Row Row Your Boat' in a round...only with movement). The last element is percussive (fast, sharp) movements.

The freeskate, or long program, has virtually limitless possibilities. Unlike the CE, there are pretty much no restrictions or guidelines...you're allowed free use of costumes, props, and choreography! Everyone on our team loves our Freeskate. :)

So at Northeast TOI Festival, we had a critique. Basically, you skate each routine exactly like you would in competition, and the judges meet with the coaches to discuss any changes that need to be made before competition. Luckily, we worked really hard beforehand and had a very smooth critique! One of our best skates ever, and the judges were very pleased with it. :)

It ended up being a 12+hour day at the rink, but that meant lots of time for team bonding! With only a few bumps, it was a great weekend with great people!

A few highlights:

-Creepily walking back and forth throughout the entire hotel with Katie.
-Getting bagels with Katie for breakfast before the critique.
-Cheering on other TOI Boston teams and being obnoxiously loud about it.
-Getting to be in costume with an audience and have an EPIC skate.
-Down time chilling outside of the locker-room when it got a bit loud (with Katie!).
-Stopping for Ben & Jerry's on the way home! Definitely recommend The Tonight Dough.

Happy Weekend! xoxo

Random Thoughts After Watching the Ladie's Freeskate

Last night after I got home from work, I curled up and watched what was left from the 2015 US Nationals Ladie's Freeskate. In no particular order, here are my random thoughts. You're welcome.

+Mirai Nagasu's routine was heartbreaking. I really feel for her--she obviously puts a lot of pressure on herself, and the stress and emotional drainage of wanting something so bad, but not being able to deliver it, is miserable. However, I really can't stand her skating. She doesn't feel the music, and her choreography seems not only bland but forced. The one high point of her routine, in my opinion, was her spins--she really is an elegant spinner and her positions are traditionally beautiful while still being interesting.

+Ashley Wagner is fierce and kick-butt and totally deserved gold. I love her claws-out style of skating and I really, really loved her freeskate. Not only was every single one of her elements spot on (my word! The triple triple!!), but her choreography and expression was such a good representation of herself. The audience gave her a standing ovation, and after the year she's had, she deserved it.

+Gracie Gold's routine fell entirely flat for me. Her dress was gorgeous, but otherwise I wasn't impressed. First off, she missed a big opportunity with music. This is the first year vocals are allowed, and she went and chose the most obnoxious sorta-vocals she could. She should have stuck with instrumental. Like Ashley, she nailed everything in her program (minus that one minor fall, which she recovered from nicely), but she didn't deliver any personality with it. Yes, Ashley, was a hard act to follow, but Gracie didn't even come close. Still, I will forever love her spiral sequences. I don't know why but I find them gorgeous.

+Karen Chen is frighteningly awesome. Everything she did was perfect. Literally, everything. I was most impressed by her height and ice coverage with her jumps, as well as her spin positions. She did this really cool spin where she was in a pancake position, but with a straight leg, and bending forward. I'd never seen it before! Plus, her high-energy choreography reminded me of how the younger Russian girls have been skating. Maybe Team USA will finally send some tough competition for ladies at Worlds! Karen is on the Junior World team, and I'm excited to see what she does.

+Courtney Hicks. I don't want to be mean, but I couldn't believe how ugly her program was. Not only did she not skate to the music, but she completely fell apart after her fall. Also, the dress had major issues. One of the announcer's made a comment that she really struggles with expression (no duh) and that every year she tries to reinvent herself into a more balletic skater.

Here's my two cents: If you're not a balletic skater, don't try to skate like one!

We as figure skaters are forever reinforcing the awful music-box stereotype! When are we gonna grow up, realize the sport has changed, and stop limiting ourselves as athletes and artists and creatives?

You don't have to be a perfect ice fairy to be a good skater. Skate technically well, but be YOU. Find your style and own it. Be the bollywood one, the fierce one, the peppy one or the quirky one. Skate with joy and love and find a routine that actually makes you feel comfortable. Don't pull a Courtney and look extremely uncomfortable trying to be something you're not.

+Polina Edmonds has some growing up to do. Obviously, after her Olympic debut there were lots of eyes on her this year. A fourth place finish at your 2nd senior championships is AWESOME, don't get me wrong, but it's obvious that Polina is going to have to grow up a little before next year. Her dress and music were not fitting for her senior-lady status, and I honestly felt like her program didn't present the best of her. After last year's amazingly advanced choreography, that was kind of disappointing.

DISCLAIMER: I realize a lot of what I said here could be considered mean, knit-picky, and overly rude. I would just like to say that I have the deepest respect for all the women I've mentioned, and in no way do I want to contribute to the tear-down that's already prevalent enough between figure skaters. However, these were my honest thoughts after/during their programs. 

Still, let me say it again--I have the deepest respect for all these women. For everything I didn't like, I find 10 things I did. Skating is the love of my life, and watching all these ladies compete has inspired me so much in my own practices. I feel like every year figure skaters are stretching themselves, both individually with tougher moves, but also as a sport as a whole. I'm really excited for the new wave of freedom and creativity coming out in recent programs.

Congrats Ashley! You combine grace and fierce competition in one dedicated, gorgeous package. :) #sasshley #swagner

Happy weekend, happy skating! xoxo