noticing

 

We are in that typical New England time of year where we oscillate between desperation that it is still so cold out, and unbridled joy when the sun feels like we're already in mid-summer. Neighbors we haven't seen in months are suddenly outside on their annual dog walks. New noises drift through open windows. I am getting excited to have some outdoor plants this year. We don't have any private outdoor space, just a little bit of gravel around our parking spot and then a large porch connected to the shared entrance to our building. I want to put some pots of flowers out (maybe zinnias? and marigolds?) and attempt some tomatoes as well. I am being patient, though. Most of the time, the first warm day hits and I plant everything too early, dooming myself to watch their slow and anticlimactic demise. Instead, I've been taking my dog walks past the houses with the best, most cared for gardens and front porches. Like my own personal groundhogs, I'm waiting for the first sign of freshly bought mulch or clay pots pulled from the garage, the first hopeful tray of grocery store pansies sitting in the driveway waiting to be repotted. These garden houses certainly know better than me, and I'm trying to notice and follow their lead. 

I spend a lot of my time running around from one thing to the next, so much so that sometimes it's easy to miss that the underlying feeling of frustration underneath is my impatience that this is also a season of waiting. When I take the time to notice, I can see that both Chris and I have landed in a place we used to dream of. This June will mark five years since we've been together, and while that is such an incredibly small percentage of a life it is also a huge percentage of the time we've been adults. It feels like we've made it to the end of a chapter, and have checked off a lot of dreams: getting married, getting a dog, Chris working at a fire department, me skating in shows and coaching full time, an ambitious road trip honeymoon. I want to not just notice but to revel in these achievements, these things that felt so out of reach just five years ago when we whispered them to each other. But it's hard to revel in something when I am also finding myself anxious for the next step, itchy and restless and desperate for some direction so I can know who I am in the world. 

I am noticing that I spent a lot of the beginning of my twenties in survival mode, desperate to become someone and changing rapidly as I discovered who that was supposed to be. My inner world has settled more now that I am 26, and I feel more capable of looking at the whole picture of the person that I am. There are so may pieces I am dissatisfied with; how I cry almost every time I say what I think, how I can get so angry and combative before I've even noticed myself starting to get frustrated. I'm proud of the person I've become, but I also think I'm not always a good friend. I would like to be more level headed. I would like to feel like more of a grown-up to myself. 

This noticing sucks so much more than noticing when the first crocuses pushed through the snow, or when you can first smell the wet dirt in March. I hate it and I want to push it away. It's not a task that I can add to my monthly list, or an aesthetic little reset I can make a tiktok about. There is no quick fix. While I know it's good to look into the deeper recesses of yourself, I also just DON'T WANT TO and I really hate that in so many ways I am the problem. hi! It's me. 

I am noticing what makes me uncomfortable and what makes me comfortable. I'm noticing the thousand ways each of those is good and each of those is bad. I am noticing that I am in a season where I need to listen a lot more than I usually do, and I'm noticing it's high time I challenged my gut reactions, old dreams, ways things have always been, and the inner dialogue that tells me if I'm behaving the way I want to. I am taking the time to notice what is next, to notice where I am going, instead of racing there and misunderstanding the path. Someday, I would love to turn 36. I would love to have decade-old friendships and feel like todays demons are well behind me. And I would love to be in-tune enough with myself and with the world to know when a season is coming, and to sense when it is time to plant. 

The Ups & The Downs

December 2019. I was THRIVING. 

Last week hit me with being especially anxious, extremely low-energy, and generally feeling a little pessimistic about life in general. There are a lot of reasons for this: the terrorists at The Capitol, the following news cycles, dreading potential future family conversations, being cold all the time, having the stress of a big project deadline coming up, talking with lots of new coaching clients and the resulting logistical stuff, and the fact that my period is coming. These reasons are valid! And it makes sense that they're getting me down. 

More interesting to me than the reasons, however, are the way these moments cycle. These ups, and these downs. December 2019, I was feeling GREAT: I was high energy, in really great shape, excited about possibilities, and embracing friendships. February 2020, I was really hurting. I was too busy, too stressed, and felt like I was really loosing a true sense of myself. Obviously, March 2020 hit, and the rest of the year has been those same ups and downs, in every area of life. There are have been weeks, days, and hours, where I feel fine, and grateful to be where I am, only to follow the next moment with a dizzying spiral into some pretty dark places. 

These ups and downs have always been a part of my life. I vividly remember times as a kid, and times in high school, when I experienced the same thing for months at a time. I have anxiety, and often for me, extended periods of time with high anxiety lead to bouts of depression. Beyond that, I am a melancholy person. I am introspective, and tend towards brooding in my own thoughts. That can make it difficult to stop the cycle once it's started. Sometimes, I'm just mad, sad, or overwhelmed; and there doesn't feel like much I can do about that. 

February 2020. I remember getting dressed this particular morning to meet up with a friend, and really struggling. 

I've been in therapy for most of this past year, and have spent a lot of time reading, watching videos, journaling, talking, and learning more about how to work with this. I don't want to be controlled by my anxiety. I want to consistently feel more excitement, and more passion, in my life, instead of the dread and neutrality I can sometimes fall into. I would like to feel a little more stable, and less like one thing going wrong can send me into a tailspin. 

I have made significant progress. I have broken several old habits, and old loops. Becoming more independent over this past year has helped me shed some previous skins that weren't serving me. And overall, as we enter 2021, I am feeling so much better. Time between breakdowns is getting further and further apart. I can articulate the things that help me re-center when I am getting overwhelmed. I notice unhelpful thought patterns I fall into. 

Yet, despite this progress, this week has still thrown me for a loop. And there's a part of me that feels like I just need to accept that. These cycles are part of my makeup, and while I can learn coping mechanisms and do tons of work to better live with them, they will still exist. Forcing myself to maintain "perfect" level of positivity is not possible, and seems like a surefire way to guilt-trip this loop into starting again. 

A few weeks ago. I feel like the fog is finally lifting, and I feel so much more like me again!

It's been about a week and a half since I started writing this post, and I'm proud of what's happened these last few days. I did feel like an anxious piece of trash, but I didn't dwell on it the way I often do. I did have a panic-induced argument with Chris, but we talked it out and noticed how it was much more manageable than similar arguments we've had. I did feel a lot of overwhelm as my work schedule filled for the week, but I was able to prioritize the important things, and cancel a few things that were just extra. 

Accepting that I will have ups and downs, and that outside of me life is also full of ups and downs, is giving me a lot of peace right now. It's going me the ability to say, "Yes! I'm anxious. I probably need to step back and maybe drink some water." Or, "Yes! I'm super overwhelmed! I'm going to focus on these three things and let the rest go." Acknowledging that the feeling exists, helps me to deal with it. We will have ups and downs...and that's okay. Our job is not to be happy all the time! Our job is to strive to move through stressful, unhealthy situations in the healthiest way possible. And thinking of it that way seems extremely manageable to me. 

One Year of Shacking Up

This past Sunday, January 10th, marked  the one year anniversary of Chris and I moving in together. I can't believe that it's been that long, but I also can't imagine it being any other way. 

December of 2019, I was skating at Sea World's WWOI. I had left for Florida in November with a rough plan that we would most likely move in together after I came home. Over the next two months, we decided for sure. 

December 2019, we talked a lot about living together, and what it would mean. That conversation, though, had really started over a year earlier, and became a serious topic over that summer. We talked about every side of it, from timelines and expectations about marriage, to how we'd split finances, to how we'd make time to do things without each other. For me, though, the number one topic I kept coming back to was a little less helpful: how would we handle people's reactions?

I was worried about what my parents would think. What my grandmother would think. I was worried about the thoughts of people at church, and especially worried about my closest friends at church. I was worried I would disappoint someone. I was worried that people would think I was some kind of fake Christian, or just a terribly weak one. I was worried that somehow I was failing. And all that worry made me obsess, and attempt to prepare for, so many worst case scenarios. I was prepared to be openly ridiculed, excluded from people I loved, and get the cold shoulder from family. 

But, I also knew that I really wanted to live with Chris. I knew that after all the time I'd spent staying over at his apartment, I was happiest there. Going through normal, daily rhythms with him made me feel the most grounded, the most whole, and the most like myself. Our time together made me want to keep growing as a person. A year and a half into our relationship, I found our love the most exciting, and most nourishing, part of my life. 

We also knew that this was just really good for us. We wanted more space, more time, a routine. We wanted to live with less of an audience. We felt like the next step of our growth as a couple was to act like a proper, partnered couple. 

And while I worried a lot about the opinions of my church, I also didn't believe this was wrong. Maybe those reasons will be their own post some day, but suffice it to say, deciding not to move in together would have been a decision made out of fear of resentment, not fear of actually doing something wrong. Even on my most people-pleasing days, I couldn't live with the idea of that fear shaping my life. 

This year, perhaps, wasn't the easiest one to start our lives together: there was that pandemic, bouts of unemployment, disappointments, actual criticisms my church members, and coming to terms with some deeply rooted anxiety. But on the flip side, every single good thing that did come out of 2020 for me, is somehow linked to the happy little life we've made together. Without Chris vacuuming dog hair and doing home workouts beside me, this year really would have been unbearable. 

A year later, I am proud of us. I'm proud of the life and the cozy little  home we've built. I'm proud that in the face of knowingly opening ourselves up to criticism, we stuck together and focused our actual decisions on what we needed as a couple. I'm proud that we've both been open and eager communicators, to make figuring out what we need doable. 

We have so many more ways to grow, but the growth we did experience is something I'm very proud of. Happy one year of shacking up, Chris. I am so beyond grateful to get to be delinquent with you. 

For anyone thinking through this transition: listen to your gut, not everyone else's reactions. You absolutely know what the right decision for this moment is. 

But where do we go from here?

Today is the 4th of July, and here in New Hampshire, things are starting to open back up. We can dine in restaurants (even inside, sometimes). More shops are open. I went back to skating and coaching a few weeks ago. Small gatherings with friends and family are happening, and with a lot less taboo around them.

I am so happy to be back to work. I feel significantly more like myself than I did throughout March, April, and most of May. When everything shut down, not seeing my students and getting to hear the little snippets of their lives was one of the biggest voids I noticed. Being back with them a few days a week is incredible. I've also gone back to Market Basket (a NH and MA only grocery store), although a different store than I used to work at. While I didn't want to go back, and don't love it, it does feel so good to be out of the house and out of my own head and just getting something done. I've been working a lot of longer shifts lately, and it honestly feels so good to feel tired again! It's fun to get back home and be excited to take your shoes off, relax, and have a glass of wine.  I really missed that.

But! But. COVID is so not over. I have been getting so frustrated at the people who are acting like it's all over. It's not. Read any study, and they'll all tell you that there's a super high chance of us surging again in the fall/winter, and having to go into lock-down again. Rates in NH have continued to drop, but in other nearby states, they haven't! So, no, I don't want to act like it's over.  People around me are starting to plan and put dates on the calendar again and, honestly, I just don't want to.

I have gotten a little comfortable in our little cocoon of an apartment. I love being at work, but I'm finding myself being really resistant to doing much else. Quarantine wasn't easy on me, and loosing literally everything I had been doing for work or fun had me crawling up the walls. But, once I found a rhythm, I grew to kind of like being home. Hanging out with Bear. Making dinner. Re-decorating. Reading. Doing yoga. Going for walks. I felt like I was buried and hiding out from the world. My circle got really small, but I've kind of liked it. At the best, I feel a little hesitant to return too quickly to normal life. At worst, I feel scared to.

I find myself constantly repeating in my head, but what now? Where do we go from here? 

our boy is growing up!

COVID is not over, and I personally want to be stricter with precautions than our state is requiring (and many people are doing). But what does that actually mean? Yes or no to family get-togethers? What kinds of friend meet ups are okay, and which aren't? Go to church? Wear masks at church? Go out for a drink? Don't hold my student's hands (honestly, really hard to actually do when you're teaching skating)? Hold their hands with gloves? I feel the need to have our own list of household rules, but I don't even know where to start.

I want to return to work, see how much I can build coaching back up, and get another job other than MB. But is going into Massachusetts so often irresponsible? How many hours am I even looking for in another job, since I can't predict coaching? Is full time too much? Is part time not enough?

I feel pressure to make a thousand little decisions right now, and I am overwhelmed by it. Even before March, I knew that this summer and fall would be different for me. Work was shifting. I was coaching a lot. The skate shop I was working at almost 4 days a week was moving further south, and I couldn't deal with what was already a long commute getting longer. I wanted to go back to school. My mental state and relationships were suffering, and I knew I needed to make some changes to do any of this sustainably. To make enough money, progress a career, go to school, and have a balanced life was going to require lots of changes. I wasn't sure how to do them, but I was confident that I could get there.

Now, though. I have no idea where to start. I feel a pull to make big, bold decisions, and a pull to keep things simple since we still can't plan for anything right now. I don't feel like I have anything to aim for, because a Best Possible Scenario isn't something anybody can guess at right now. I have a thousand questions. Lots of ideas. But no where to start, and literally no where to end. I don't know what I'm shooting for right now.

The irony, of course, is that COVID is just one problem affecting the world right now, and so many people are dealing with so much more. The pressure of COVID has done so much to expose the thousand other pressures people, particularly low-income families and minorities, have to deal with every day. I don't know what direction to turn my own life right now, and I definitely am struggling to find ways to help the world at large as well. There is so much pain. Where can one start to do anything that's meaningful? What now? Where do we go from here?

The one thought that has helped me lately, though, is the comforting notion that this--this complete shit show--is very simply life. It is a messy, scary, un-plannable, unclear, totally new season of our lives. I don't mean that we should take COVID or BLM or anything else going on lightly (we shouldn't). I don't mean that we should attempt to just retreat into what we know (we shouldn't). But, I do mean that our only way through, to figure any of this out, is by living through it. Living through it, listening, thinking, reading, trying, and committing to re-calibrating ourselves every single day. I don't know how to move forward personally, but I do know more than I did in March. And if we surge in the fall, I'll know more then, too. While there is no way to know if things will get better, we can hold on to the fact that we get to choose to keep going, and keep trying.

on being back at sea world

Throwback to WWOI 2018.

Hey friends.

Today marks two weeks since rehearsals began for Sea World's "Winter Wonderland on Ice" 2019! We had our approval show yesterday, today off, and then we open tomorrow! I am so excited, and honestly, I feel amazing.

Don't get me wrong: rehearsals, as always, are tough. This time around, I've been dealing with a horrible blister (like bleeding every time I'm in my skates kind of horrible), and a cold that led to lots of interrupted sleep, headaches, and now a cough that I can't quite conquer. Compared to how I felt this time last year, though, everything is going just fine. Being here last year was my first professional show, and I loved it. Timing wise, though, it also marked the early stages of the depression and anxiety I've been dealing with throughout 2019. To be honest, I felt really raw and emotional most of the contract last year.

WWOI 2018.

This time around, I feel so much more grateful, inspired, and most of all, ready to actually enjoy this. It's so much more fun to not be new. While there's a lot of factors as to why I feel more grounded and happy this year, I thought it would be fun to share some contract-specific things I'm loving this time around.

Having a car. Driving down was the best decision I could have made. Not only was the roadtrip itself tons of fun (I'll share more about that soon!), but being able to run to the grocery store without making a whole morning of it is amazing. Having a car means I can go to church, train at the local rink, and even go downtown just to get coffee, all of  which I had to really limit last year due to the price of Ubers.

Arriving with friends. The day I rolled into Orlando, I immediately went to the rink and picked up a friend I'd met at another contract to grab dinner. It was the best welcome I could have asked for. I can be really shy, and already knowing a huge chunk of the cast has been so peace-giving.

Daily yoga. I'm attempting to commit to doing yoga every day while I'm here, and I'm finding it is so incredible for my mental clarity. Between the sunshine and the constant rehearsals, I've honestly felt extremely healthy since I've gotten here, and yoga is the icing on the cake.

Dinner with a friend night one. Check out Kayla's blog!

Planning parties. Speaking of cake, I've been having a blast planning fun things to do with the cast this season. We have so much to look forward to: opening night, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a joint birthday party with another cast member. Next week I'm watching one of my friends cats, and will have the option to use her oven (our hotel rooms only have a stovetop). I am so excited to bake, and am planning to make a lasagna and have a a cast lasagna party for the hotel crew.

Going to church. I love the local church down here. It feels incredible to be worshiping with a big, healthy body of Christians, but it also feels amazing to get away from hotels and theme parks and the show itself and focus on something so much bigger than all the noise. I'm so grateful attending regularly is an option this year.

Training at a real rink. While we do have ensemble ice available to us, it's only a half hour on show days. Though the blister has made getting started tough, I'm loving driving to the real rink a few times a week to really move my body and keep myself trying new things.

Having tools to heal. I know I keep mentioning the blister but it's been horrible, guys. Here's what I've been using to heal: makeup pads in my skates to help cushion it, applying Neosporin every night to soothe it and prevent infection (because it's been an open wound for a week and a half now), and spraying it with New Skin every morning and before and after every time I'm in my skates. The New Skin has really helped it re-open less frequently, so overall it's much less swollen and painful. Also, special shoutout to Biofreeze: I could never get through rehearsals without you.

Natural skincare. My skin doesn't love makeup and we wear a ton of it here. This year, I've been using the Burt's Bees Micellar Cleansing Water to take my makeup off after shows, and it is so cooling and refreshing. Plus, I've been using some special Burt's Bees oil for breakouts, and moisturizing with witch hazel. All of it feels fantastic.

I am so grateful to be here, and to keep gaining these show experiences. Most of all, though, I'm excited to really be here. To soak it in. Embrace every inch of it. And celebrate everything it took to get here. I never want to forget that a year and a half ago, none of this felt attainable. Life is so crazy that we get to do things like this, guys!

These are the days, let's enjoy them.

xoxo Gillian

On Being Between Contracts, and Worrying Instead of Enjoying.

Being between contracts might be the only part of skating professionally I wasn't prepared for. 

I got home from Miami two weeks ago. The day I got back, Chris and I went to our favorite brewery, and my parents met us there. That same week, I grabbed dinner with a very close friend. We had family from out of town visit for a a few days, and we spent a lot of time looking at old photos, making cake, and eating donuts. I spent an easy-going Easter at home with lots of little cousins, Chris, and one of my closest friends (and her baby!). Being home is utterly fantastic.

But the thing is, so is being away.

What feels especially significant this time around is the absence of a departure date. Chris and I were reflecting a few weeks ago that this is the first time in our entire relationship that we don't have an end-date. I got my contract offer for Sea World in early August, only 6 weeks after we met. We planned everything in a 'we have until November 1st' frame of mind. I came home from Sea World with another signed contract, and the knowledge that I'd be flying out again on March 7th.

Now though? I'm just home. Maybe for a little? Maybe for a while? No clue.

So what do I do with myself? How does one make a plan, with no timeline to fit the plan into? Do I relish the free time, and spend it with friends while I can? Do I lay low and save money? Do I find another job?

On Tuesday, I walked by one of my favorite coffee shops in Portsmouth, and noticed their 'hiring' sign in the window. On Wednesday, I emailed them and scheduled an interview. Thursday, I interviewed for all of 10 minutes and left with a job offer. I'm excited to start. I really like working, and I happen to really enjoy this spot. It's in Portsmouth, and I'm already fantasizing about becoming best friends with the owner, and walking across the street for drinks after work. I'm hoping it will be the perfect mix of flexible and fun. But is it a failure to fulfill the starving artist trope and become a barista? What if this is me settling? What if this is the beginning of me becoming a broke, going-nowhere creative, stuck making coffee for practical people that went the traditional route and now make enough money to regularly afford fancy coffee?

I know that that's crazy. I know that, for anyone pursuing an abnormal, creative life, this is incredibly normal. Skating is a small, seasonal industry. It takes time to get your footing. I've gotten two contracts; I will most likely get more. At the end of the day, it matters that I work hard, and it matters that I pursue what I love: it doesn't matter how many side jobs I have to pick up.

I keep coming back to one thought, though: what do I tell people? When someone inevitably asks the dreaded question 'what do you do?', what do I say? Do I answer with my ambitions, and say I coach and skate professionally? Do I keep it simple, and say I make coffee? Do I lengthily explain that I'm currently between contracts? Do I crack a joke and avoid the subject?

I realize that I'm the only one worrying about this. That that question is filler, an ice breaker. But if I can't even tell my Uber driver what I do, what do I tell myself?

Because really, that is the root of the problem. The only voice demanding to know what I'm doing, is my own. It's unsettling, to not be able to answer yourself. On any given day, I have no idea what I'm doing. So it's no wonder that as big and defining a question as what do you do makes me queasy.

Maybe, though, the problem isn't the question. Maybe, the problem is that I'm answering it the wrong way. Hopefully, as a well-balanced, functioning adult, I 'do' more than just the things that make me money. Contract or not, what I actually do doesn't change that much. Contract or not, I still work on my skating. I process life with my mom. I call my friends for long chats. I insist to myself that I'm going to start running. I cook with a lot of vegetables, and very few spices. I get excited to explore new places. I go for walks when I need to clear my head. I call Chris before I go to sleep. I apply to jobs constantly. I attempt to make it to church. I am never without my planner. I journal a lot.

Those things all paint a better picture of me, and what I do, than any job description ever could. I want to be a full-time pro-skater and coach, with consistent contracts, and plenty of students. That is what I'm working towards; that's my dream, my end goal. But when I look at the life I want, those goals don't even make up half of what I want to do. Figuring out how to be 'successful' at skating means the world to me, but if that's all I were to accomplish, I would be dissatisfied with my life.

What I really want to do with my life is more than skate, and frankly, more than work. I want to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend. Someday, I want to be a loving wife, and a loving mom. I want to have a colorful kitchen, and have long, talkative meals. I want to travel, and live in different places. I want to push myself artistically, and tackle the things I've always thought I wasn't good at. I want to skate because it makes me happy. I want to keep writing. I want to go to school, and work with people that are struggling, and hike a lot more than I currently do. I want to help people be creative and capable. I want to have strong friendships in lots of different places, and I want to always be excited about the future.

Not knowing my next gig is tough. But it's not the worst. Life is really long, and I believe, holds enough flexibility for some things to not always go as planned. This season, I want to focus on embracing what's in front of me. Instead of fretting about where I'll be in a few months, I want to focus on enjoying being home; and, later, enjoying being away from home. I may feel like I have little control, but in reality, I hold all the power over what I do with my time. I want to be better at appreciating that.

What are you worrying about, instead of enjoying?

Thanks for reading! Be the grittiest.

xoxo Gillian

For When You Realize You Grew Up and Became Toad

The Frog and Toad books by Arnold Lobel are some of the sweetest, most heart warming books you could ever read. They were a huge part of my childhood, and like all great children's books, are even better as you get older.

Toad is my favorite. Toad has bad days. He gets tired, gets frustrated, and has doubts. But sometimes, things go really well. And he's always ready to appreciate those moments.

Frog and Toad is about little things. It's about contentment, joy, hope, friendship, and putting others first. So for all the times when you realize you are Toad.....

For when willpower isn't one of your strengths...

And when diets are for the birds (literally).

For when you procrastinate...

Only to feel overwhelmed and guilty.

For when a little thing....

...turns into a big deal.

And we overreact.

And then realize how ridiculous we were, and feel bad.

And the only way to make it up is just to act from the heart.

For when inspiration runs dry....

...and all you really want to do is sleep.

For when you don't quite know why you're sad...

And all you really want is a friend.

For when you worry you're not wanted...

And then we don't know the right way to help.

And we make the wrong assumptions.

For when making your to-do list is the most productive thing you do all day...

For when we want, with all our heart, just to be good...

And we get impatient while working for what we want...

For when the haters start to get to us...

And we begin to believe that we cannot do it.

"Toad ran back to frog.
"This kite is a joke," he said, "It will never get off the ground.""

But if you keep trying, it will.

You've just got to keep shaking it up to find what works. And when you've made it, you'll be so much higher than all the people that told you you couldn't do it.

For when the world starts to get to you.

And your head hurts. And your muscles are sore. And your heart is sore.

And you feel like you aren't seen, or heard, or wanted.

And the only thing you're sure of, is that true friendship is the most important thing in the world.

Happy Wednesday! xoxo

Finding Focus

Lately, I've found myself just craving focus.

About a month ago, I honestly thought I was going crazy. My head was constantly buzzing. I made lists and then never accomplished anything on them. New thoughts and ideas were fluttering around in my head...but I couldn't do anything with them. I couldn't articulate them, or act on them. I couldn't settle in and work.

It's not the first time it's happened, either. I usually get like that when we're really busy, or I'm coming off of being lazy with no real 'routine'. It's just a result of being bored and being overwhelmed at the same time. While definitely annoying, it's the kind of thing you have to learn to work through. Yes, it might be easier to just curl up and do absolutely nothing....but that's not really going to help. Learning how to deal with this is a constant struggle, but I think I've finally hit on what works for me.

one // Pray. This one's a game changer to me. I sit still and just focus on telling God exactly what the problem is. I talk it out forever, and by the end, I feel such a release. It's not my problem any more. Praying never fails to give me some perspective so I can be okay with what happens next, and just focus on making the most of the situation at hand.

two // Take a walk. I love walks (especially in the fall and winter!). The fresh air and exercise is a great mood booster anyway, but for me, it always seems to stimulate a better attitude in terms of what work I have to do. Walks are a great time to talk yourself through problems, or simply let your mind wander and stop feeling so 'cluttered'.

three // Drive (with no radio). I once heard Glenn Beck say that one of the largest problems in our society is that people are afraid of silence. Our society is over-stimulated...we've got our phones, emails, playlists, texting, all the time. While there's something to be said for multi-tasking, sometimes just turning off the noise and letting our brains think is the better solution. After a twenty minute drive of quiet contemplation, I show up at the rink with a clear mind that's ready to go!

four // Journal. Just write it out!! Getting anything on paper, at the very least, gets it out of your head. Plus, you're more likely to end up with a plan or a new idea, which will let you get back to work even better than you were before.

five // Clean and organize. Most of the time, my mental clutter is the direct result of my physical clutter. Folding laundry, making my bed, or (gasp!!) cleaning off my desk is a gateway for inspiration and motivation. Plus who doesn't love a productive break?!

So there we have it! My five favorite ways to clear my mind and find focus.  As the school year approaches, I know I'll be putting these into play pretty often (and let's be honest, I've really needed them this summer, too!).

Do The Stuff

{via}

Today I was at States Activities Day for 4-H. It was so great to see people...some that had graduated, some that were just coming up or in their last years. Some people I'd known forever and were super close with, others I'd hardly seen but still got along great with.

The awesome thing about 4-H across our state is that we're diverse, in interest and backgrounds. No one tries to be like anyone else, and we're ready to accept anyone. Our only criteria is that you get excited about stuff.

I'm so grateful for NH 4-H...not just the program, but the people. They're all so lovely, and truly inspiring. I always come away with the realization of how important it is to do stuff.

{via}

I know that probably sounds silly. Obviously we do stuff, right? Honestly, though, some people don't. And I teeter on that cliff (and fall head over heels) far too often. There are days when getting up is awful...when I don't throw myself entirely into my skating practice. When doing school seems unthinkable and everything else is just too hard. I've been known to waste a day on Pinterest, or not cross anything out off of my to-do list. Sometimes I mope around and just sit there, feeling bad that I'm just sitting there but not bad enough to stop. Please tell me I'm not alone. My lazy streak is my biggest fault and easily the thing I most struggle with. I love ideas and planning, but usually suffer in execution.

Here's the thing, though: doing stuff is, really, one of the most important things. Again, I know this sounds silly. But it's so basic that we often loose sight of it. So many people think they can't do big things--so they skip the small stuff, too. We can't do that. We need to do the stuff, both big and small, because it all matters.

The quote that made me fall in love with Hemingway

We need to walk and run, to get out and breath. We need to create something--anything--whether it's art or dance or writing. We need to connect with people, even if we're too far away to actually see them. We need to decide on what we believe and then believe it, without worrying about who we 'offend'. We need to be kind and caring and go out of our way to be helpful. Those are always the people that we notice, but are never the ones we actively try to emulate. We need to imagine the best for ourselves and yet remain humble. We need to make goals and be willing to take on the not-so-nice parts, because they're necessary. We need to get up early and go to bed late, if that's what's called for, and learn the art of not complaining because work is good.

I've been in a slump, and a little pessimistic, lately. Seeing all these lovely people today reminded me that, yes, there's good. Quite a bit of it, actually. I'm definitely going to try to fall more on the good side than the bad side, and attempt to be more worthy of the brilliant people I've come to know and love. So who's with me? Let's go do the stuff.

Mid-Winter Rut Reading List

Winter's my favorite season. I love the crisp-ness outside, and the coziness inside. That being said, though, Februaries have a tendency to play with my mind. I always associate them with being busy, being bored, and having wet slush instead of pretty snow, which of course doesn't raise my opinion of them.

But what better way to banish the February-blahs than with reading? If you're stuck in a mid-winter rut, try out these books for instant boredome busting. I've included two picks for each featured genre; one I've read and highly recommend, and one I can't wait to try myself. Happy devouring!

Nothing beats a good adventure novel to break up winter's monotony, right?

Totally Recommend: The Bloody Jack series by L.A. Meyer is my go-to adventure novel (reading book 6 right now, and loving it!). They're full of twists, pirates, witty banter, romance; and have a really strong female heroine. What's not to love?

Can't wait to Try: The Agency series by Y.S. Lee. These have been sitting in my Goodreads account for awhile, and maybe this is the winter I finally get to them. Set in Victorian England, they follow young orphan Mary Quinn, who is being taught at a girl's academy that is really just a cover-up for an all-girl investigative unit. Sounds fun!

And what about the kings and queens of winter reading: cozy crime?

Totally Recommend: While Agatha Christie is the queen of cozy crime, might I branch out and suggest a less popular (but awesome) series, instead? The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith follows Precious Romotswe, a 'traditionally built woman of Botswana', as she sets out to found her own detective agency. Each back features several mini mysteries, as well as a more personal plot. They're easy, quick, and funny, a light-hearted but still good read for winter nights.

Can't Wait to Try: The Inspector Morse series by Colin Dexter. So, I've watched Inspector Lewis, the spin-off show from the original Inspector Morse, and really liked it. Mum's read these books, and says the mysteries are really good, although Morse leaves a bit wanting in terms of a lovely main character. But, I still can't wait to try out another mystery series. You can't ever have too many, right?

Missing your favorite books, but don't feel like re-reading? Fan-Fiction is the answer!

Totally Recommend:  The Fitwilliam Darcy, Gentleman trilogy by Pamela Aidan. Aidan has basically split Pride and Prejudice into three parts, telling each from Darcy's viewpoint. I thought her depiction of him was believable and genuine, and the she did a good job re-telling the events in P&P. Definitely a fun read. Warning: this book will get you in a total Austen mood.

Can't Wait to Try: The Austen Addicts series by Victoria Connelly. This totally falls into the chick-lit category, but, well, who cares? These books follow modern Austen-obsessed women through their own (and slightly familiar!) romances. Plus the titles are too cute. A Weekend With Mr. Darcy? Beat that!

How about something dark, and moody (like the weather outside!)? Here's my Gothic picks:

Totally Recommend: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte was the first full-length Victorian novel I ever read, thus putting in a special place in my heart. I've sung it's praises before, and it's still one of my favorite reads for the fall/winter. There's something about the weather matching the mood of the book that makes me happy!

Can't Wait to Try: The Making of a Marchioness by Frances Hodgson Burnett. They just turned this into a PBS special, under the name 'The Making of a Lady', and of course I have to read it before watching it! The book seems very raw and unique, qualities that will definitely make this a book to amp-up your winter reading.

And what would be a reading list without fantasy?

Totally Recommend: I've been re-reading Tolkien's works lately, and obviously recommend each and every one of them. The Two Towers, though, has been on my mind a lot lately. It's easily my favorite of the trilogy (by a small margin, but still), mainly because of all the happenings with Rohan.

Can't Wait to Try: The Inheritence Cycle series by Christopher Paolini. Yes, yes, I know it's practically a sin in the fantasy world to not have read these, but I've never gotten around to it. Eragon, though, is currently sitting on my shelf and I have a hunch I'll be picking it up soon. Dragons are easily one of my favorite aspects of fantasy, so I'm excited. Plus, I've read some about Christopher Paolini, and he seems really cool!

But what about romance? We just had Valentine's Day, after all!

Totally Recommend: I'm actually reading Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen right now, so of course it makes the top of my romance list! While any Austen is utterly fantastic, Lizzy will always be my favorite heroine.While the romance genre is so large it should be split into sub-genres, in my mind, nothing beats a classic.

Can't Wait to Try: My Mum read Wives and Daughters by Elizabeth Gaskell last year, and fell in love with it, so of course I need to try it. I was bad, and watched the mini-series, but that only heightened my interest in the book. Written in an Austen meets Bronte style (or at least that's what it feels like to me), the book is darker than Austen's novels, while still offering sweet romance, sympathetic characters, and the charms of a quaint English town.

But what if your reading moods are turning towards non-fiction this winter? Biography:

Totally Recommend: While I am by no means an avid non-fiction reader, Becoming Jane Austen by Jon Spence made me resolve to pick up these important reads more often. I loved this book because of how honest and thorough the writing was. While we know very little of Jane Austen herself, through letters and family history, Spence paints what appears to be an accurate picture of this remarkable woman. I appreciated that he mused about what we don't know about her, without putting words in her mouth.

Can't Wait to Try: How To Be Lovely: The Audrey Hepburn Way of Life by Melissa Hellstern was one of the first books I ever added to my Goodreads list, which means I should probably pick it up soon. 'More philosophy than biography', according to Goodreads, it takes from Interviews and those who knew Audrey to create a look into the one of the most iconic women of Old Hollywood. The book talks about the art of living genuinely, with femininity and kindness, areas we all admire Audrey for.

That's it for my list! Books really are the best remedy for perking up from the winter blues, right? I just have one more question for you: what are you reading?

Linking with: Join the Gossip.