September Ambitions

 

Though my to-do list overfloweth, this Tuesday has led me to a quiet night alone in our apartment, a sleepy dog that for once isn't threatening the neighbors, and a very large pour of wine because the bottle wasn't full enough to justify leaving it for another night. I've set my timer and allotted myself thirty minutes to indulge my blogging self for a bit. It's been a while! This marks my eighth post in all of 2022, and we find ourselves in the very beginning of September (though my calendar already says the 13th. weird). But a September feeling is certainly in the air...I'm starting to crave baking and cozy nights in, the only recently bought six-packs have all been pumpkin themed, and we find ourselves buckling down with a renewed focus to just get things done. 

Specifically, Chris and I are now panic-planning the last details of our wedding, which is now a whopping 3.5 weeks away. I have a lot to say about planning a wedding, chiefly that I am excited,  I've never been more ashamed of my procrastinator tendencies, this is going to be a hell of a party, I will certainly never do something like this ever again, and I cannot wait to get to the day and be wearing my awesome shoes and surrounded by friends and drinking a butternut squash martini and BE MARRIED!

The rest of this year is gearing up to be a whirlwind. Wedding weekend leads us into two weeks of road tripping for our honeymoon. Two days after we get home I fly out to an ice show through the rest of the year! Busy, busy, busy, but all I want to do right now is soak every single moment in. This year has gone by so fast and I just want to keep treasuring and holding all these moments. 

Here are some of my September ambitions (and some bonus for the rest of the year). 

>> Workout every single day before the wedding! Because otherwise I will go completely insane. We're dealing with things as they come up and making sure we're going in with some clarity. 

>> Not running around for work, but instead focusing my time and attention on my core skaters. I want to make sure I leave everyone for a bit with goals checked off, strong programs choreographed, sub coaches updated, and everyone feeling good. 

>> Walk into the week of the wedding with the most organized set of spreadsheets, week of timeline, and wedding binder I can manage. I've been a hot mess through most of this but we're going to nail that. 

>> Send out Christmas cards! I love Christmas cards and sending out our first Christmas cards as a married couple is something I am looking forward to literally so much. Can't wait. 

>> Make the best scrapbook of our honeymoon!

>> Read so many library books!

>> Soak up every single moment with family, friends, and Chris over these hectic weeks.

10 Things On A Tuesday in May

 1). Last we chatted, we were in the middle of utterly horrible chaos. To be fair, we are still certainly in the midst. Last Thursday, though, I rushed to my third apartment showing (and just another of many that Chris has dutifully reached out to) and somehow, within hours we had a lease sitting in our inboxes. 20 minutes later we signed it. Yay! WOW. Jesus, what a relief. We can move in 6/1. Chris is currently still living in NJ with Bear. We still need to get out from under this apartment. But it now feels like there is a way to move forward. 

2). This had been on my mind pre-crisis, but I've been thinking a lot about "Main Character Energy." A pretty nebulous topic, but in my head it consists of mornings spent reading and sunlit porches, a great pair of shoes and a bowl of garlic noodles, fun late nights with friends and early mornings spent running or thinking and just being. The photo above is a screen shot of my "Main Character Energy Spring '22" saved collection on Instagram. It has croissants from Joy the Baker (the queen of main character energy), a woman talking about relaxing on her porch after work, colorful framed art prints, a getaway cabin, and lots of talk of romanticizing your life. I'm ready for a change. 

3). The only thing I don't like about this new apartment is that there is no outdoor space. We don't have a porch (or even our own staircase), no little spot to throw outdoor plants. I currently have a bunch of pansies outside as well as two peppers and two tomato plants. I'm thinking I will keep a pansie or two, and my veggies and put them in our one assigned parking spot and just park behind them? That's not crazy right?

4). To be fair there are other things I'm upset about: the cabinets are dark. It's in Dover, which will be so close to friends (fun!) but add a lot of time to my commute (sucky!). This house feels like a pretty basic apartment to me....none of the cute little cubbies or corners like some of the historical Portsmouth apartments I'd been looking at. But I realize I am being so picky!! It will be great. 

5). Before we signed, our working plan had been to put all of our stuff in storage and then live in a motel or with my parents until we were able to find a place. So, I've been putting a lot of energy into purging everything we own. We are both pack rats; like it's bad. We have way too much stuff. And even though now we have a place, it will be smaller and we won't have as much storage space and I just don't want to feel crowded. I want to feel light! So I'm staying committed to getting rid of as much as possible. Those are two completely different purging questions: what can I move into the new space? And would I pay to store this somewhere? I'm loving the resolve that the second question is offering.  

6). Connected to purging is my rediscovered passion for Buy Nothing groups. Honestly, Buy Nothing groups are probably the most pure and wonderful place on the internet, and certainly on Facebook. So far, I've gotten rid of: a few baby gates from when Bear was a puppy, a board game, a giant beer making kit we had gotten for Christmas, some old records we don't listen to, a bag of art supplies I don't like anymore, at least 20 books, and a bag of random old pots and containers for someone to make an outdoor music board for their kid! How fun is that?!

7). Outside of all this home chaos, work has actually been going really well. I am choreographing a few ensembles right now: two of my Artistry classes are each doing a number in their club show, we've started rehearsals for our first ever American Ice Theatre of NH Junior Company piece, and then I'm doing a very cute little Learn to Skate number for my group class. Busy busy! And so so fun. I should do a works in progress post soon. 

8). With spring I've been fantasizing about a lot of the making I want to do. Here's my recipe list as it stands right now: ham and cheese croissants from Joy the Baker, chocolate orange and cream cheese pound cake from Joy the Baker (maybe for Mother's Day gifts?), these wraps from Budget Bytes (I'm picturing lots of dinners in the park at our new apartment, to replace our porch-sits), fish from Dinner A Love Story (I'm scared to cook anything other than chicken or ground beef so trying to get better), and lots of cocktails that use Aperol. On the non-kitchen side, I am planning to finally start this cross stitch kit from Elise Joy. I'm also dreaming of some sort of flower a day/one picture a day cross stitch to mark our first year married, and making a t-shirt quilt beach blanket from some old sentimental shirts. 

9). For Christmas, I had gotten Chris tickets to see Sal Valcano when he was performing in Burlington, VT this winter. The weekend he was supposed to be there we had a snowstorm, so we still went to VT to see friends but his show got rescheduled to May. With all this moving stress, and finals, and so much work, and the fact that we're living in different states, I wasn't sure if we'd be able to go. But I think we need a break, so we're going for it. We booked an AirBnB for next Thursday and Friday night. Maybe Chris can board Bear in NJ and then meet me up there? Unsure of the details. But this is much needed; I'm excited!

10). Books of the moment: just finished listening to This Is The Story of A Happy Marriage by Ann Patchett on audiobook. Loved it. My goal for May is to read my second paper book of the year and I'm planning to restart The Incredible Journey of Plants by Stefano Mancuso. Shows of the moment: Chris and I had been watching Inventing Anna on Netflix, and I'm planning to start Dairy Girls soon. I continue to watch every single piece of content The Financial Diet puts out. Listens of the moment: Elise Joy's podcast is back and I've been finding this season very grounding and inspiring!

That's the update friends! I'm reminding myself that life is short: even if we are lucky, we still only get about 4,000 weeks to careen through our lives. Even in the midst of the upsetting, turbulent times, I want to remember to not waste a week by forgetting the moments of joy, meaning, fun, and connection. Spring is here, and we're moving forward!

Is Adult Life Just Complete And Utter Chaos?

 

My heart is pounding, I unwisely poured myself a second cup of coffee, my shoulders haven't relaxed since Monday, and I am racing with nervous energy that simultaneously shouts "do all the things NOW!!" and "just stare at the wall and dissociate for a bit."

We're in a bit of a family crisis at the moment. Our dog, Bear, got out of the house Monday afternoon and bit our next door neighbor. He is okay, thankfully--bruised and broke skin, but everything was surface level and there shouldn't be any long term issues. Chris brought him to the emergency room immediately afterwards to get checked out. We emailed our landlords and told them about the situation the second we got the neighbor home. That night they let us know that Bear is no longer welcome here, and we had three days to get him off the property. 

We are not getting evicted...Bear just isn't allowed to live her any more. Which makes complete sense. I cannot describe how utterly shitty it feels to be the neighbor with the problem dog. We both feel so ashamed. And so upset. And very overwhelmed by how to move forward. Our neighbor has been literally too kind to us, considering. We're grateful for him. And we're grateful for landlords who are also not kicking us out. That gives us some flexibility. 

Monday night was horrible and I rage cried for hours. I called my friend, and my mom. Tuesday morning I grieved a little but overall felt way more clear-headed. I was unfocused all day and then stayed up until 1:30am writing an 8-page research paper that I had, of course, procrastinated on (here's a lesson I probably won't learn: don't procrastinate because emergencies happen and surprise!! you still can't drop any balls!!). Wednesday we made a thousand plans for a thousand different scenarios, and let ourselves just chill and spend time together. Today (Thursday) we went on one last of our perfect, family coffee walks and then Chris left for New Jersey with Bear. He'll stay there with his parents for at least two weeks, while we make more of a game plan and explore some options. Today I will finish this blog post, work out, eat real meals, and go to work. 

A bookshelf Chris just finished. 

The plan right now is not to rehome Bear. He's still young (he's just two), and in my heart of hearts I do feel like there is room to make progress and work towards making him less reactive. Rehoming him in this moment seems irresponsible--like we are just walking away from our problems and putting him in a stressful situation that likely will result in him getting more aggressive. So we need to try. Of course, this mostly hinges on us being able to find another living situation. We have to be upfront with new possible landlords, and it's scary to feel like no one will want us with Bear's history. I don't know what we will do if we can't find a place to live, but we 're going to give us some time to search before we worry about that. If we are able to move, we will be able to break our lease once a new tenant is found for our current apartment. It will just be continuing to pay rent until the next renter can start (which is pretty generous given that our lease continues until August). 

I am scared about the increased training we will need to undertake with Bear, to ensure that we can be good owners to him for the future. I'm scared we won't be able to handle it, or that it won't work and we'll still have to consider getting rid of him. I honestly do not think my heart could take getting rid of him. I've been very slow to get used to owning a dog, but now that we are two years in I really would be heart broken without him and I don't want to do that. Still, I worry about what this means our future lives will look like: what will happen when we have kids? Will we ever be able to have friends over, throw parties? 

I am very sad to be leaving this apartment. I really love it here. I love the space, I love the location. I love that it's clean. I love that we have laundry in the basement. I love that it feels like a real home. I love that it's the place I started to feel really grounded in my grown up rhythms: clean sheets every Sunday, the weekly meal plan stuck to the fridge, extra bedding stored for guests in the closets, long walks with Chris and Bear every morning and afternoon. We were really coming into our own here. I was loving this season of life. 

I was looking forward to a lot in this home: I just bought pansies and tomato plants to cover the porches in summer-fueled life. Chris' parents were supposed to visit in two weeks, and I was scheming last-minute decorating projects before they saw the place for the first time. I wanted to host a Mother's Day Lunch, and a Memorial Day cookout. Chris just finished a bookshelf he designed himself, to fit exactly under the big living room window. I have a pile of frames waiting to be hung above our bed. 

Chaotic Easter snaps. 

This past weekend was Easter, and it was such a good one. I was utterly blissed out. In the morning we walked Bear and then made a special Easter brunch for the two of us: mimosas, french press cafe au laits, cinnamon rolls, and fruit salad. I made appetizers and homemade rolls to bring to my parents for a big family lunch. We talked about how this was really the first holiday since we've moved in together where everything felt so right: we didn't overcommit, but also set aside time for fun holiday things; there was no tension with my parents; we weren't stressed about Bear. It felt like we were finally figuring out what our adult lives could look like.

And instead, and instead, and instead. What a shitty turn of events. 

We can only focus on what we can control, and right now that is: being proactive about looking for places. Being honest with friends and family and asking for help. Being on top of our finances so we're prepared for whatever needs to happen. Taking care of ourselves. Honestly though, part of me wants to just burn it all down: go full send and just move to New Orleans, or just bop from Air BnB to Air Bnb and see the country. Sneak away to a new city and live in a tight, sunny little loft. I think you only get one shot to really burn down your life and start over; maybe this could be it?

This feels like the start of a formative moment; a challenge that will shape us. I'm proud to say we feel really together and are each proud of how the other is handling things. Maybe in a few years we'll look back and this will just be a crazy, chaotic adventure. It sucks right now though. 

Is this just what adulthood is? Continuous, utter chaos?

About Last Week #1

Gonna try a new little thing! I've always wanted to be more consistent at capturing "real-life" on the blog. For me personally, I love looking back on posts with lots of photos. I don't scrapbook or anything, so Instagram and this blog is a huge way that I reminisce! Here's what last week looked like, a photo a day. 

MONDAY 11.29.21

MONDAY 11.29.21

The semester is wrapping up, and Monday I tackled some larger final projects so I could fully relax while Chris visited! I also painted my nails for the first time in a long time and I am obsessed! Why don't I do this more?!

TUESDAY 11.30.21

Spent the morning doing homework and working out and then picked up my baby at the airport! This was the shortest 36-hours visit but it was so fun and so resetting. :) Tuesday we just hung out at the hotel, sat with some of the cast around the fire pit, and I made a new pasta recipe from the Joy The Baker Holiday magazine!

WEDNESDAY 12.1.21

Wednesday started with breakfast at our absolute favorite Orlando place, Sofritos! We discovered it when I did Sea World in 2019 and it's become our go-to. :) Amazing coffee, and I always get the arepas! Later we did some Christmas shopping, then shut down Disney Springs haha. 

THURSDAY 12.2.21

Chris left for the airport early in the morning. :( I went back to sleep, then had a lazy morning before working Public Skate at SeaWorld, and skating a show for a special staff event that night. 

FRIDAY 12.3.21

No photos. It was kind of a stressful workday, and I struggled to get as much homework done as I'd been planning.

SATURDAY 12.4.21

Had a great little skate on ensemble ice, with a beautiful sunset! Lots of homework and then two shows in the evening.

SUNDAY 12.5.21

A very busy day! Got up at 6:30am to do a few hours of homework before getting to the venue, worked at Public Skate 9:45-3:30, then skated ensemble ice at 4:30, and then the whirlwind of notes, makeup, pre-setting, two shows, plus staying up late to submit a big final! Quite a day, but I treated myself to a Starbucks coffee partway through!

Happy Tuesday! These are the days xoxo.

These Are The Days

As I'm typing this, I am sitting in West Palm, Florida, in between ice shows. I'm here skating with Rosstyn Ice Shows & Rink Designs at the South Florida Fair; we're almost to the end of our run and only have four show days left. 

I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of fresh starts, and a new era.  It's been over a year since I was away at a skating contract. Once I get home, I'll have left my other job and be setting out as a full time skating coach and full time student. The previous year, with all it's challenges, changes, and unknowns is starting to slip away. There are vaccines! There's live entertainment! We are coming back, and this pocket of in-between time will be gone. 

I don't believe in sugarcoating everything, or always seeking "lessons" and "bright spots" in bad situations. Not everything has to be great! Some things can just be hard. But this season has held lots of growth for me. Mainly, my newfound appreciation for the present moment. 

I am a rusher. I am always working towards, living for, planning for, the next thing. For me, COVID took that away. With everything up in the air, I had to learn to focus on what I needed in the moment, and making the best out of the situation we were in. And being forced to do that really helped me to appreciate this part of my life. Sure, there were a lot of things I wanted this year that didn't happen...but there were also so many things that did! And I am so incredibly lucky to have had the experience through covid that I had, and not something worse. There is so much to appreciate here. 

March and April 2021 held so much goodness for us. Personally, I felt a rhythm set in. Vaccines helped us return to some of our favorite things for the first time. We got to experience all that ooey gooey joy of being newly engaged. We made good food. We kept the apartment clean. Bear became more manageable. Work found some consistency. We saw friends! Before I rush out of this spring, and into the newness of summer, I wanted to highlight some moments and rhythms from the spring that I want to remember. 

SUNDAY RUNDAY: We ran together almost every Sunday. Our "Sunday Runday" became a wonderful part of the weekend to look forward to. I typically coach all day on Sunday, so getting up early and both getting a work out and quality time together was so wonderful. 

DOG WALKS: Sort of connected to running, I made a concerted effort this spring to walk Bear, by myself, more often. Chris does 95% of walks for Bear. Often, I get frustrated with him...and I had fallen into the bad habit of getting irritated with him at night when I had stuff to do, but he needed attention. I started planning taking him for a walk as just part of my routine some days, and it helped so much. Walking's good for me, too!

BRYANT PARK: I ended up skating with American Ice Theatre for a one-day show in Bryant Park, NYC in early March! It was so fun! Rehearsals involved being on the ice, an hour away from home, by 6am for a few weeks...but it was worth it! The show was so fun and we turned into a sweet little weekend in NJ to see Chris' parents. 

AIT NH: In March we also launched American Ice Theatre, NH! We hosted our first workshop, and made plans to start our junior performance company later this month! So exciting!! 

TACOS: I forget why we started, but we fell into the habit of Taco Wednesdays and loved it. We went with Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays because Chris usually works Tuesdays...and a fun, easy dinner we can both work on turned out to be a great way to reconnect after not seeing much of each other for the first half of the week!

EDGE CLASS: Doug Webster from Ice Dance International has been hasting a pro-level edge class in NH this spring, and attending every week was such a highlight of the year for me. It was so fun to improve and work with so many skaters that I really admire, and that have turned into wonderful friends. Hoping this can continue once I'm home! 

WEEKENDS: While I didn't take really any weekends off, I did have Saturday afternoons mostly off. We did a lot of lunch beers, afternoons spent downtown, and power cleans of the apartment together. We hiked with friends, and went to friends houses. I tried hard to never have school, or work, that had to happen past 12 on Saturdays. It wasn't always successful, but more often than not it led to me feeling so much less stressed going into a full workday Sunday. 

FEELIN LOVED: Obviously, everyone is happy and excited when they get engaged. But Chris and I weren't prepared for how much deeper, and more connected, this time has made us feel. We feel more like a couple, and a family unit, and we're excited for everything that's coming. This spring, we worked hard to preserve time together as a couple and also make sure each of us was doing the things that were important to them. It's a balance, and we're excited to keep striving for that once I'm home. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the phrase “these are the days”. These are the days we’ve been waiting for! I have been waiting my whole life to coach so much, be engaged, have my own place, skate well enough for a pro level edge class, have a close friend group. And somehow, I’m here! So I don’t want to rush through. I want to enjoy all of it. Every sunset streaming through our kitchen windows, every time we throw sticks for Bear, every time Chris and I catch up over homemade margs, and every time I laugh with a student. These are the days we’ve been waiting for. Why waste this moment by not appreciating it?

Just Wow!

This past Friday, February 12th, Chris and I got ENGAGED!!

Back at Christmas, I had booked us a two-night stay in a Yurt in Chatham (near Jackson/Conway), New Hampshire for Chris. We had missed our typical traveling so much over the year! And Chris was such a supporter of me over all the changes in 2020. I wanted us to have a fun getaway, that was in-state and therefore could happen even with restrictions, and that was isolated enough that we could "forget" about the pandemic. 

The yurt was incredible. We snow-shoed in with our stuff, about a mile from where we parked the car. The yurt had plenty of room and a woodstove for heat. Bear came with us, and was just living his best life. Going outside whenever he wanted! Running around without a leash! Spending the whole day with both of us! He's such a mountain dog. 

We arrived on Thursday night, and spent Friday morning snuggled up reading and drinking coffee. Later on, we pulled on our gear and went snow shoeing on all the snow mobile trails that crossed the property. On the way back, we stopped at a clearing where we could see the mountains in the distance. After a beer, and a PB & J, Chris proposed! It was the sweetest. I was so surprised, and honestly wasn't even processing what was happening. My only regret was not being giddier while it was happening! But I was plenty giddy after (and still am, tbh). 

The rest of the trip was bonkers, but so worth it and a little funny in retrospect. Friday night we went out for an engagement drink. By the time we got back up to the yurt, the fire had gone out and the stove was too cold for me to get a new one going. We tried for an hour and a half but couldn't get it to start. Finally, Chris called it and we hiked back down to the car at 10pm and slept there. In the moment, I was really frustrated. But it is a hilarious story. 

Saturday morning, we both were wide awake at 5am (the car isn't the most comfortable, after all). We drove to a Dunkin Donuts and then drive all around watching the sunrise over the mountains. We ran into Walmart and bought a Duraflame log, then hiked back up to our yurt and started the woodstove. We snow shoed a bit more, packed up, and had some time to just enjoy the yurt for the last few hours. We stopped for a fun lunch on the way home, and had a great, talkative drive. 

I was completely surprised. We've talked about it a lot, obviously, and I knew it was going to happen at some point this year. But I definitely wasn't expecting it this early, or on that particular trip. I didn't even know he had a ring, and for whatever reason, I thought I would just know when he had one. It was the best surprise!

Ecstatic doesn't really cut it. I am so excited for this, and for us! This feels like the perfect timing. I love the time and experiences we've had together so far, and they give me confidence that we will be able to continue to grow together. And I love that we aren't waiting, just because we're relatively young. I am so excited to get to start this phase of our relationship. 

I also just feel...different? Like much more grown-up. And much more motivated to get back to working on building the life I really want, and "correcting" the parts of myself that I feel like are just a little immature. I feel responsible for something incredible fragile, and important. If I'm going to be a married person, I want to put in the work to make sure I'm bringing a solid, mature, and less chaotic version of myself to it. 

Chris put it really well. He said, "It feels like one less part of life that's abstract." YES! It's not a someday anymore, we are really doing this! We are really showing up and doing the things. 

I love you Chris! Are we really doing this? Just wow!!

Living in November 2020

It is November 9, 2020, and we are here! Here and just...doing. Today, I am feeling bedraggled, overwhelmed, grateful, hopeful, sad, and relieved. I have hit a weird point in this covid era where I feel so skeptical of every plan being made, that I'm not even surprised when things change last minute. Frustrated, yes, but not surprised. 

This fall, though, is making me feel a little more grounded and invigorated. I want to round out this season, and year, by working hard to be a better friend, girlfriend, coach, dog mom, caregiver, community member, and relative. Additionally though, I'm working hard to be a better parent to myself. To embrace self-care not in a bubble bath way, but with the intention to actually spur myself on to healthier habits. I'm ready to put in the work. 

3 Things From Last Month

COVID Scare: In early October, I got word that two of my private skating students tested positive for COVID. They and their families are fine, for the most part didn't have symptoms, and are ready to go! Once I found out, I canceled everything for the week and Chris and I got tested. Everything is fine, but it was a little scary and stressful and came at the same time as lots of other big news. In a way, though, it was good. It was good to be forced to get a test, and understand what that entailed. Since then I've had to get another test for work, and we're planning to get some over the holidays so that we can travel and see family. I'm happy I know what to expect. 

A new job: In October I started a new job! I'm working as a Direct Support Professional for One Sky Community Services. I am paired with a disabled adult, and support him as we go out into the community, clean his apartment, volunteer, and exercise. It's very similar to being a para (which I loved!), just without the academic side. We are having a ton of fun! And it's been fun to think of different things to do and go see, especially with keeping COVID in mind. 

Skating: Before all NH and MA ice rinks shut down at the very end of October, I was having a blast getting back to skating. I had a jumps lesson with my old coach, and started partnering during my ice dance lessons. After almost two years of training to maintain instead of training to grow, it feels really good to be pushing myself again and setting some goals. Rinks are opening back up now and I'm SO READY to get back to skating (and teaching). 

3 Things From Right Now

A show!: After deciding not to travel for ice shows this holiday season, because of how precarious everything is, I'm really excited to be part of a show in the Boston area. I'm skating in Joy Skate Productions Kendall Ice Show, and have been having a BLAST learning all the choreography. The show is upbeat and happy and fun, and free to the public. Working on a show with people is making my heart sing. 

Election: I know: duh. Biden has it! And like, wow, what a relief. I am excited, especially, for Kamala Harris to be our VP. This election, Chris and I both sat down with sample ballots and googled everyone on them. For every seat, from president all the way down to local county offices, we made an intentional choice. We were excited to jump around the ballot, and not vote straight down the line for either party. We were also excited to vote for some more diverse opinions in NH legislature: more women, LGBT individuals, and individuals with disabilities. We got so much satisfaction from it, and will be doing it at every election moving forward. 

Joy The Baker: Here's something a little lighter for you. The infamous Joy the Baker wrote a holiday magazine!! I went to Barnes and Noble this weekend and bought a copy right away. It is joyful, comforting, and makes me feel all kind of festive. I've been slowly flipping through it all week and reading the recipes like their pages of a novel. I am extremely excited to start making things from it, and pie may be in my future this weekend. 

3 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

Thanksgiving, and the holidays in general: This year, we're planning to go to New Jersey to be with Chris' family for Thanksgiving. In general, I am incredibly excited for Christmas shopping, seeing family, baking lots of good food, and decorating the apartment. While I still feel pangs that I'm not doing Sea World's Christmas show this year, I'm incredibly excited to make the most of it while I'm home and be really festive, with a full kitchen to help!

Working out again: This one is laughable because I'm largely *not* but, after virtually giving up on working out since June, I'm attempting to start up again. I'm starting to feel extremely out of shape at skating and that's just miserable. Currently, I'm trying to skate 2-3x per week (but more often than not, it's 1x), run a little, do Youtube Barre videos, and complete Yoga with Adrienne's November playlist with my friend. 

Possible New Apartments: I am extremely happy where we are. But we looked at a bigger apartment this week and if we get accepted, I'll be very happy with that too. It's close to where we already live, cute and historic, has access to a fenced in yard, and extra room for us to have a workspace that isn't the living room or the kitchen. 

Happy Monday, everyone. What is this November like for you?

Routines in Quarantine

I don't know why I've never given up this blog. I started it in 2012, for goodness sake. In 2012 I was a sophomore in high school! You'd think that at this point I'd feel like I'd outgrown this space, and during some periods of time, I have. Every time I make a "comeback" to blogging consistently, I think about just starting something new. Throwing all of this out, and creating something fresh. Sometimes I get so far as creating a new website or signing up for a newsletter service, but I never actually write anything for it. I just don't want a new space. I like the idea of years and layers and different seasons and chapters of my life just being dumped here, even it it's sporadic and messy. The messiness is why I choose to follow random, normal people online, instead of glossy celebrities.

So I'm going to keep this mess. And what better time to come back, than a global pandemic!

As I'm writing this, we're closing out Week 2 of self-isolation in the US due to COVID-19. It looks like we'll be in this same sort of situation for at least another month. Like most places in the world, everything is shut down: restaurants are takeout only, all non-essential businesses are closed, and gatherings are limited to less than 10 people.

Like most things, this feels complicated: I'm happy for time at home, and tired of being stuck at home. I'm happy to finally have time to do a few projects, and frustrated that over 3/4 of my work is gone. I'm worried about money, and grateful that I also know I won't starve, or become homeless. I feel useless for being at home while knowing medical professionals are really struggling. I can't wrap my head around the fact that something so challenging, feels so incredibly easy in my day-to-day life.

This entire world is going crazy, people are sick and hurting and broke, and yet I'm here, still getting through work, watching tv, and planning what to make for dinner. We're all still just living hours and days and weeks, and waiting until something happens to change our routines again. Life is absolutely ridiculous, and I don't understand it.

But anyways, right now....

mornings have been cozy & slow. All of my work at the moment is from home, as well as all of the work for Chris' office job. We've been sleeping later than usual, usually getting up around 7:30 and then actually being out of bed by 8. We play the news in the bedroom while we're getting up. We make coffee and eat breakfast together. About half of the time, we watch watch TV with breakfast, too (right now it's always either The Newsroom or Dave).

I've been making really good to-do lists. Not aspirational "today is the day I fix my life" lists, but real, actionable to-do lists. The night before, I've been setting 3 essential things that must happen the next day: at least one is a workout, and the other two are for work. The rest of the day is organized around making sure those three things happen. On top of that, I've been chunking out blocks of hours and being specific from what I expect from each hour. For instance: from 10-1:30, I need to finish that list of cold calls, plan out a week's worth of Instagram posts, and create a list of interview questions. The day seldom actually looks exactly like my list, but it's at least a start, and some way to check in with how productive and focused I'm actually being. Plus, if I completely loose myself along the way, I can just come back to the day's 3 essential things and get them done.

I'm attempting yoga every day, and running every other day. The yoga is sorta happening, but is probably still hovering around 4-5 days a week like the beginning of the year. Running is getting better though! I'm trying to not overthink it and just get out every other day and run. I've never been a fantastic runner, but the times in my life where I've felt the best about it have always been when I was really consistent.

I've been taking my plants on field trips outside.  I planted a container veggie garden this week (no I'm not a doomsday-er....yet), and that's led to me being much better at remembering to water the houseplants, too. Since it's been sunny and warm during the day, I've also been taking them outside to soak up the sun! It's been extremely enjoyable to set them up outside on the porch, and then bring them all in, like I'm calling for pets at the end of the night or something.

we've been making the bed together. I'm a really clean person, but I'm not a neat person. I have to make a really concerted effort to not just throw my clothes around, and leave piles of notes and books and pens on every surface. We've been making a point to make the bed together every single day, and that's definitely been motivating to keep the rest of the house clean, too. Here are some other habits I'd like to work on making second nature right now: sweeping the floor every night, vacuuming at least once a week, not leaving clothes on the floor, and wiping down the bathroom every weekend.

I've been making lots of sourdough. We haven't bought a loaf of bread since late February, and I'm excited to keep that streak going. I've been making a quick, cheater-version of sourdough that I'm really liking, but I'm excited to try the real version soon.

Work Stuff Happening: Lots of zoom meetings for TOI Boston, creating curriculum for running our practices virtually, creating content and running the Instagram for Floquiya.

Listening to: Tedeschi trucks band. It's the only music I can have on in the background while I work, and I love it.
Reading: The Return of the King, The Hobbit (we're reading this together!), and You Are A Badass At Making Money. Just finished Untamed on audio.
Eating: Out of the freezer, and lots of sweet potatoes.

Looking forward to: Watching all my new plant babies grow (hopefully)!

A blog post on essential oils I wrote for Floquiya, and what life looked like this past October.

Life Right Now

Hey friends.

I have become the absolute worst kind of blogger: the sporadic, only-posts-life-updates kind. Luckily, though, I'm not naive enough to think that anyone actually cares that I've not posted since June. And I'm certainly on top of things enough to understand that if at one point anyone did care, that person definitely doesn't read blogs anymore. Because who reads blogs?

Well, I guess I still read blogs. The other day I was combing through Elise Joy's blog archives for a knitting tutorial and I got caught up reading old posts about her early marriage. While reading one of her anniversary posts, I actually teared up. Elise has been so inspirational to me in her way of presenting herself; there are few people with online presences as large as hers that do it so authentically. While (of course) there is always so much behind the scenes we don't know about, I love how great she is at capturing the feeling of specific chapters of her life.

Though the 15 year-old Gillian that started this blog definitely couldn't articulate that, the ability to form a written time-capsule is what 22 year-old Gillian still wants from blogging. I journal, sure, and I'm on Instagram a lot, but I'm missing long form writing again. I want to challenge myself to capture my life in type.

So, here we are. I'm excited to come back to this world, and excited to write earnestly again. The goal is a post published every Sunday morning at 5am. Though I know I've said it a thousand times over the last two years, I'm back for real this time.

A major contributing factor to my lack of posting over the last two years has been the seemingly constant changes in my life. Especially since this time last year, no two-months have looked the same. So to get started: here's a bit about what life looks like right now.

work. I am currently working as a professional figure skater, performing in professional contracts. At the moment, I'm in-between shows, and have been home since April. For work during these in-betweens, I'm still working as a skate technician at Home Ice Boston, coaching both group and private skating lessons, and working at a coffee shop.  It's an exciting time because for the first time in my life, skating (through shows, coaching, and the skate shop) is making up the majority of my working hours and the majority of my income. What a crazy thing to say. It's also an exhausting time, because I don't have a regular day off and I'm commuting to Boston (3 hours round-trip) 5 days per week. But, busy-ness is a good problem to have.

skating. Speaking of skating, I'm finally buckling down and getting myself back to training for my Novice Freeskate test. This summer was busy and wonderful, but unfortunately not the greatest skating summer. But my jumps have been making progress, and I'm excited to finally be in the right headspace to make this test happen. I've been spending a lot of time beating myself up for being 'bad at it', and that isn't helping. So here's to digging deeper, committing, and challenging myself in a way that is fun and encouraging.

chris, family, and friends. Chris and I have been dating for a year and a few months now, and he truly makes life wonderful. He deserves a proper blog introduction, but us being together has led to so many adventures, good talks, belly laughs, and new perspectives. There's been a lot of relationship changes for me over the last year: making new friends, discovering new things about old friends, changing how I interact with my family, and generally attempting life as part of a committed couple. Lots of change, but still exciting.

anxiety. While 2019 has been an incredible year, it's also been one full of insecurities, self doubt, self loathing, and major anxiety attacks. Perhaps it's because of there being so many changes? Regardless of the cause, my self-talk, perfectionism, and worrying has led to a lot rough nights, arguments, wasted days, and general lack of joy. I'm currently actively working on improving and managing my anxiety, and talking about it more openly. I am still debating about whether or not counseling or medication is something I should turn to right now. In the meantime, I'm trying to be conscientious about what I can do.

reading. On a lighter note, 2019 has held some incredible reading experiences. So far I have read 21 books, which is a really big number for me. Most of my reading time has been coming from audiobooks, because of my long commutes. It's really satisfying to be able to get through books quickly, as paper books generally take me a month at least. Reading consistently (and diversely) makes my life so much better. Some favorites of the year: Station Eleven, Burnout, Pachinko, Big Magic, and The Defining Decade.

the rest. Outside of this list, I've been getting back into yoga and running, cooking a lot more (yay!), wrapping up a re-watch of The Office, planning roadtrips, and starting to put cinnamon in my coffee.

If you asked me at 2pm in the middle of the day, I'd probably say that life right now is "CRAZY! unmanageable. Busy. But good? But crazy. and stressful." Right now, though, I will say that life feels pretty great, actually. I don't often take a step back, but I'm at a point where I can trace the work, people, and good habits in my life back to tangible decisions I made over the last few years  (as well lots of luck and coincidence, as always), and that feels amazing. I'm tip-toeing, but I do feel myself coming up on the life I wanted a few years ago. It's coming. Curating a life is exciting!

Thanks for reading, guys. Hope this Sunday finds you well. These are the days, let's enjoy them.

What's Up on June 4, 2019.

It's currently 2:11 PM on a Tuesday.

// I'm sitting upstairs in my parents house, planner open and trying to crank through my to-do list. So far today: I went skating, stopped for groceries, made a few decisions about upcoming wedding/birthday presents, and did more scheduling with some skating students for the summer. I also got payments set up for my car loan, pre-paid for highway tolls through EZPass, and made a truly spectacular hummus and veggie pita wrap.

// Speaking of cars, there's some big news that's escaped the blog so far: I have a new car! A few weeks ago, I purchased a 2014 Chevy Sonic RS. It's my first proper, non-junker car, and while the prospect of buying something so nice and having a loan was daunting, I'm so glad I did it. I feel like I'm living in luxury: it has AC! and heat! and power steering! What a miracle. Of course, as is the case when you buy anything new, I've resolved to turn over a new leave and keep it exquisitely clean, trash free, and current on maintenance. I even bought Febreeze to spritz on the seats. Joking side, I really do want to keep this car much better than my last. We'll see how long it's free of trash, though.

// In mid-May, I went to Palm Springs, CA, to skate with American Ice Theater in the US Open. It was an incredible experience, and I'm so happy I went! We learned a new piece by Kate McSwain entitled "Juxtapose" in just two days and then competed it. It was so cool to be skating alongside a group of people that were not only capable of learning a piece in such a short time, but really brought it to life. Here's a link to an Instagram video with some clips of the piece.

// Right after getting home from California, Chris and I left to camp in Bristol, VT for Memorial Day weekend. We had an incredible time, and I'd say our first camping trip together was a huge success. We were in the same area last fall for a weekend with his parents, so it's been fun to get to know our way around and find our favorite spots. I'm planning to write a post in the next few weeks with a list of our favorites in case anyone finds themselves looking for a weekend getaway! I'm really falling for Vermont. Definitely a great weekend spot if you're looking to explore New England.

// There have been so many family events and reasons to celebrate lately. A few weekends ago, my cousin and my brother's fiance graduated college from the same school. After watching the ceremony, we had a family barbecue and got to use the fire pit for the first time this year. This coming Friday, we have another cousin graduating high school, and then a close friend's wedding on Saturday! Chris' birthday is the Monday after that, his parents are visiting the following weekend, it's Father's day, and then our 1 year anniversary is the weekend after that. So much to celebrate! I caught myself getting overwhelmed by it this week, and the pressure to make each moment special, but that's a silly thing to worry about. I'm very grateful that I get to worry about too much celebrating.

// I've spent a lot of time thinking this month about the trajectory of my life, and what career shifts I want to start making. As with every new season, there are things to push harder for and things to let go of. I've set some goals within skating and coaching for the next year, but I still feel like I have a lot of soul searching to do about what path to choose. All in all though,  I realize we typically find our paths instead of expertly designing them. I'm currently attempting to strike the balance between being open to where life goes, and being intentional with what I want.

// Oh also, I cut my hair. It's very exciting.

Happy Tuesday, guys! What's up with you?

xoxo Gillian

What's Up on May 3, 2019

From a walk in Boston.

It is currently Friday, May 3rd, at about 3:45 in the afternoon. 

I'm working at Home Ice today. I've actually been here every day since the Wednesday before last, since the owner's traveling. The drive is definitely tiring (it's an hour and a half drive for me), but I love being here. Especially over the last week and a half, I've basked in how fun it feels to be responsible for something like a shop. Obviously, actually owning something like this is a ton of work, and super stressful. But I can't help but find myself loving the idea of making something that's all yours. 

The other thing sparking these small business fantasies is my new job. Last week, I officially started working at a coffee shop in Portsmouth. Like I wrote about on Tuesday, I was a little hesitant to start another job, simply because I don't have a contract yet and don't know exactly where I'll be going. But, I'm home now. I want to buy a car, I want to travel this summer, I just bought new skates...so another job it is. 

But, I'm super excited about this. Everyone is nice, and once again, it's fun working in a small business. I'm excited to learn to make lots of fancy coffees, and see where this goes!

From a walk in Portsmouth.

Outside of work, I've mostly just been skating. I got new boots a few weeks ago, so I've been breaking those in. In some ways, it's kind of fun to slowly start jumping again in new boots. It forces you to slow down, and really focus on the technique since everything feels so alien. Definitely good since I've been trying to change my technique anyway. I'd really like to pass my Novice Freestyle this summer, hopefully in June, so I'm seeing lots of training days in my future. 

Chris had work in Boston today too, so we actually drove into the city together this morning. Since I had time to kill before the shop opened, I skated a quick session and went for a run. After that, I walked to a coffee shop and sat for over an hour reading Glittering Images by Susan Howatch. First off, I've been loving this book. It's definitely a slow read, but it's also intriguing and funny. It follows all the scandalous drama among church of England clergy in the 1930's; I really can't believe I left it on my TBR shelf for so long. 

Just a fairy-tale worthy spot in Portsmouth.

Secondly, I definitely need to make more of a point of going to coffee shops and reading. On the drive in today, I was talking to Chris about how I'm frustrated with the lack of joy I'm currently getting from my 1 Second Every Day video. I loved my first one, and was excited to start one for 2019. But while this project gave me so much joy and perspective last time around, I'm finding I'm just not happy with it this time. That's fine, of course; I'm allowed to change up the little projects and habits that make me happy. But I do feel the urge to start something new to look back on and find perspective in. I'm wondering if making time for a nice coffee and a book is my new project. After all, what's better for prompting reflection than sitting down quietly with a treat just because you want to?

Anyways, Chris is swinging by the shop once he's done with work, and then from here we'll go out somewhere in the city. I'm excited; for someone who's in Boston so often, I don't often explore much. We're hoping to grab a beer and see some live music somewhere.

The weekend is looking pretty low-key. I'm working, but the plan is to meet up with a friend Saturday night and then go to church Sunday night. Ideally, I'll go for a run and try a coffee shop for breakfast, but we'll see. 

What's up with you? Hope everyone's having a great day, and heading into a safe and happy weekend. 

Thanks for reading! Be the grittiest.

xoxo Gillian

April Check-In

First stop the day I got home: the Portsmouth Brewery!

Writing From:

Home. Technically at the moment, work in Boston. But I am home for a good bit now! So that will be nice.

Skating:

I am definitely excited to have more time to practice now that I'm home. My big goal is to pass my Novice Freestyle this spring/early summer. If I end up staying home throughout summer, I may even push to train Junior Freestyle and test that by the end of summer. But we will see!

Towards the end of May, I'm going to be skating in the American Ice Theater piece at the U.S. Open! Very excited to do some contemporary skating again; it's been almost a year and I've missed it.

Read 3/4 of Pachinko laying in the grass in between shows. 

Reading:

I finished Pachinko while still in Miami and LOVED it. Definitely recommend to anyone that is intrigued by the words "multi-generational family saga." I also just finished listening to Inheritance by Dani Shapiro on audio. Super interesting, easy read.

I'm kind of in between books right now. I'm thinking of reading Mansfield Park (is that enough of a springtime read?), and maybe listening to The Man in the High Castle? Not sure what I'm gonna do. Maybe I just need to meander through the library tomorrow.

Working On: 

I really want to keep growing my coaching base, but I am worried that I won't be able to make much progress since it's spring and a lot of beginner skaters aren't in the mood for lessons at this point. But we'll see, I haven't lost hope yet.

Other than that, it's really figuring out what I'm gonna do for work while I'm home. I still have the skate shop, but I definitely need something else and if coaching doesn't pull through, I'm not quite sure what I'll turn to.

Mom: The cats haven't even noticed the fish yet!

Eating:

I really want to cook more while I'm home, and have been making lots of burrito bowls. I can't wait to try this recipe for curry chicken and rice. For Easter next weekend, I'm making an apple cake. Also, I recently discovered Trader Joe's JoJo's cookies (they're like Oreos, but so much better). Obsessed.

Trying To:

-Not stress.
-See my friends more often.
-Enjoy downtime.
-Apply to every opportunity I can think of.
-Get rid of clutter.

Looking Forward To:

Skating with AIT, my friend's wedding (it's in August but I already can't wait), our favorite local spots opening up their patios.

From April 2018.

This Time Last Year: 

I was in the throes of AIT and Ice Chips, Kelsie and I went hiking during spring break, I spent time exploring Boston and the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum with Caroline.

March Check-In

Have been wanting to break back into blogging, and thought I'd start with a little check-in. Thanks for reading, guys! I want to be here more often again.

Writing From:

Miami, FL! I'm here for a short skating contract. I've never been to Miami before, so I'm enjoying experiencing a new place. Our cast is staying in two apartments, six people in each, so it's a bit tight. Everyone is so nice that it's not a big deal, though.

Skating:

As I said, I'm currently on a contract! The show runs about a half-hour, and we're doing 3-4 every day. It's a fun, energetic show to skate. We just opened this weekend, but I'm looking forward to getting back into my own practice again in a few days.

Over the past two months, I'd worked a lot on my jumps. Definitely want to keep the progress up, and keep chasing my double-loop.

Reading:

Currently, I'm in the middle of Pachinko by Min Jin Lee and am LOVING yet. Definitely recommend to anyone that perks up at the words "sweeping multi-generational novel". I want to do a reading update soon, because I've actually done some great reading this winter. A few weeks ago I finished Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mendal, and I'm planning to start re-reading Tolkien's The Return of the King once I finish Pachinko.

Working On:

Before I left home, I was putting a ton of effort into growing my student-base as a skating coach. I made some good progress, and loved every second of teaching, so I'm excited to be home again and get to pursue that more.

Otherwise, I've been spending a good amount of time working on my writing and applying to different blogging positions and freeelance gigs. Excited to see where that goes!

Eating:

A lot, haha. Since I'm in the show right now, meals have been a lot of scrambled eggs, salads, fruits, and anything sustaining but healthy. I've been topping it off with a bit too much wine. Oh, and we had some great sushi the other day!

There's also a really cute tea shop a five minute walk from our venue, so I'm excited to start walking there more often. They sell Bobba tea, which I haven't tried yet but definitely want to! While here in Miami, I'm excited to get some Cuban coffee, and try some aerapas.

Trying:

-To get back into running!
-Not to worry if Chris and I don't call every night.
-To be a good roommate.
-To make baked oatmeal (hopefully this weekend!).
-Essential oils! Currently using Bergamont in the mornings, and Vetiver before bed.

Looking Forward To:

A beach day on our first day off, Chris visiting and getting to explore with him, hearing back from different shows and writing gigs I've applied to, and skating for myself again soon. Also, Chris and I have been making plans to camp a lot this summer, so I'm excited for that!

This time last year:

I spent a weekend in Burlington, VT for a Theater on Ice critique with my team. I was getting more comfortable working at Home Ice. And I started rehearsals with AIT Boston.

Amazing to look back and realize how much I was hustling to be as big a part of the skating world as possible, and a year later I'm in my second professional show. It really is the work you put in.

Thanks for reading! 

Be the grittiest xoxo.

PS-check out my new skating reel!