Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Plant Your Own Gardens

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One day, you're 16 and you're boring holes in the back of the head of the cutest guy in driver's ed. And you're watching all the couples and all the flirtations in the room, feeling completely outside of it.

Then one day, you're 17 and you're distraught over a date with a guy who likes you but you...don't.

And then, you're 18, and you've dated 3 guys since Christmas. And you can never decide if that number's big or small, and you never got official, so maybe they don't even count.

And you learn that the off-times between dates are so much lonelier than all the off-time a year ago. A simple case of not knowing what you're missing till you've had it, I guess. And you dig up insecurities you'd thought you'd buried. And you question things you'd always taken for granted. And you find out it's so much harder to make real-life, real-time decisions about things you've previously only thought about hypothetically.

And you find that your heart jumps from very high highs, to very low lows, very quickly. And you find your happiness too dependent on the speed of text-backs. And you actually start to question if setting out with hope, and focused on the best outcome, is the way to go about it. And you hate that you have to think that.

And in a multitude of little ways, you loose yourself. It's been a whirlwind, and we're only 8 months into 2015.

But it's okay that you went a little crazy, because you came back and found a better version of the girl you used to be. And you learned to judge more by actions than words, and how to laugh off lame excuses as a reflection of them, not you.

And you find peace. Since you don't remember when, you find peace, and soak it up. You come back to what you love and you decide to dig yourself deeper. You crave quiet time with just your thoughts, and journal entries and walks and all the things you had stopped making time for. And you realize the absolute, obvious truth that your life is yours. And that is so exciting!

So what will it hold? You can build it from scratch. What will you eat for breakfast? What will you pursue? What will you save money towards? What will you let slide? The idea of independence invades every one of your goals. You start craving your own space. Your own experiences. Your own, personal, coffee dates. And with a dark green car, and a bright green wallet, possibility is at your fingertips.

And you become so enamored with the idea of crossed off goals, new pursuits, new planners, new phases, that you're happy to leave old baggage behind. You crave presence and commitment, dreams and hope, faith and positivity. So you start chasing those things yourself. Because you're the best at filling your own voids.

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Happy Tuesday! xoxo

2 comments:

  1. Great post! I think it's really important to let yourself let things go. Sometimes we want to hold on to things that made us comfortable once upon a time, but are now holding us back. Trying new things and having adventures of our own is all part of growing up:)

    P.S. I love that first graphic you shared!

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    Replies
    1. Definitely! I'm trying to adopt more of a 'growth comes through discomfort' mentality. And isn't it? I love the flowers!

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