I've fallen in love with being independent.
I love having my own car. I love paying all my own bills. I love figuring out my schedule for the week without having to clear it with anyone else. I love taking myself out for coffee when I want to and coming and going as I please. I love making last minute plans with friends. I love (finally!) being able to actually do life and really pursue my goals.
In August I wrote Plant Your Own Gardens. I'm really proud of that post, because it's one of the few times I nailed expressing where my heart was at the time.
This summer, I took a mental step back from guys. I finally learned that weird, undefined half-relationships weren't making me happy. So I didn't wish for anything. I didn't look for anything. I took the time to get better about being confident on my own. And not just as a 'single lady', but alone. Driving down to Mass by myself. Going out without friends. Making my own decisions without feeling like I had to run it by 3-million people.
I am the only person that is going to get me where I want to go. So I needed to intentionally get more comfortable with myself.
And I did. I am so much more confident--and happy--than I used to be. I know myself better. I demand more of myself when it comes to focus and working towards goals. But I also loosen up more. I recognize when I need alone time, and I recognize when I need to stop being alone and choose to be social.
Plant your own gardens has turned into one of my favorite mantras. And to me, it means initiating. Not waiting. It means asking friends to go out, and then going by yourself if they bail. It means doing what you like, not what you think you're 'supposed to'. And it means giving yourself tough love when you need a pep talk.
I love being my own person. And I've learned that no relationship status can (or should) change that. Next time I'm in an in-between stage with some guy, I'm going to keep it in perspective and not let something so undefined dictate my time and emotions. Instead of messing up my mood with overthinking, I'll just let it be what it is and listen to my gut.
And should I ever move from in-between to something more, I'll only do it with the gut feeling that it's right. And only with the knowledge that I'm better, and happier, and more content with that person than I would be without them.
In You've Got Mail, Kathleen Kelly is asked if there's someone else. And she replies, "No. But maybe, the thought of someone else."
I am already in love. I'm in love with my life right now. I'm in love with the vision for my life in the future. And I'm in love with the feeling I'll have towards whatever guy ends up in my future. And since all that is already written on my heart, I'm sure I'll know him when I find him.
Happy Sunday! xoxo