are we still trying for this balance thing?

Tonight, I feel an odd mix of overwhelmed and content. I am excited and nervous for the coming busy workweek. I am proud of what I've accomplished as this work year wraps up, while also counting the hours until we're on a full summer schedule and my weekends truly open up. As the worlds top Chelsea Fagan fan, I know I've mentioned her Tik Tok on not being busy. Well--this is the follow up and I honestly love that one even more. 

At this point on the internet I feel like we understand that the quintessential "work-life balance" is not really an equation anyone has ever solved. Self-care lists are just that--more lists and to-do's and things to leave undone. It seldom feels like we have enough choices about our work lives, our circumstances, to be able to make the changes we need for life to feel more manageable. This spring when life was feeling overwhelming, the phrase I kept saying to myself was I need my life to be tenable. Tenable! Maintainable.

That is tonight's cosmic question into the void: how do we make our lives maintainable? I love working. While the go-go-go schedule of late nights and early mornings and weekends is a little much, I also know myself and know I wouldn't be happy at a more typical 9-5. I love variety in my days and weeks. I love the different seasons of my work. I love being both out of the house and in the house. I love having so much personal autonomy. I love that I am the one in charge. 

And: I hate that it feels like I'm the only one keeping things afloat. I often feel overwhelmed. I dislike driving as much as I feel like I have to and I wish that work was easier to turn off. It feels like I am putting out fires all day--and that's exhausting. I want to feel like I'm building. 

This coming week marks the last huge event of the season, and I'll be in Boston just about every day next week. After that, it's Saturdays off and once July hits, Sundays off! This summer I am planning to help myself reset. I want to make time to learn and invest in the future, not just cram my schedule so I get a larger short-time paycheck. I will be home a little earlier in the evenings. I am going to try to do summer Fridays and only work a half day. I want to do "low dopamine mornings" and try to really curb my scrolling habits. I am going to try, try, try, to really stay on task and intentional with work and then put it away when I'm done. 

To be clear, life is pretty amazing. I go on walks every day. I've read 8 books so far this year. I see friends every week, and am religious about deep cleaning the apartment once a week. We just got back from a vacation to Mexico--and the fact that this outpouring of overwhelm is happening after a week on a beach should be perspective giving, but alas, not quite. I just want to ask, how much happiness is appropriate? How much contentment is...realistic? 

But instead: I would love to ask the age-old question--how do people do it? What is everyone's secrets? Is there a way to clean your house, read, work, go to school, have friends, while not feeling overwhelmed? What is a normal level of overwhelm? Is this really just a reframe, or do I actually need to burn my life down and build something--softer?