Thursday, August 26, 2021
Leaving Middle Street
Wednesday, August 11, 2021
A Wedding!!
I am not going to lie: the past few days have been a bit shitty. Actually, just very shitty. Not in a bad day way, but more so in a heart-breaking, sad way. I feel lost. We got a pretty brutal response to some wedding related things, related to the fact that we live together. I feel stupid, and naïve. I feel misunderstood, and unseen. I feel like I've misunderstood, and failed to see clearly. But mostly? I feel sad. Like my dear friend said during a tear-streaked phone call the other night, "you're on the precipice of something." That feels very, very true. I'm just not excited about it. The hard changes and conversations coming are things I actively did not want now. But here we are! And the only way is through. This is life I guess.
I would love to talk about this in more detail, and I will. Someday. In my frantic googling to find some voices to lean into, I've discovered that there is not enough conversation about stuff like this. I don't have the heart for that conversation today though. So instead, fun stuff! In the classic cyclical nature of life, THERE IS STILL SO MUCH GOOD, ALWAYS. And the good I am leaning into today is that there! is! a! wedding! to! plan!! Incredible. I am so excited for a wedding.
I thought it would be fun to do a little brain dump of everything I'm thinking, wedding wise:
When
October of 2022! Official date TBD. I am thinking early, early October. We just need to pick venues.
Where
Chris and I's entire relationship has been centered around where we currently live in Portsmouth, NH. Our first date was downtown! So many dates after were downtown! We've met friends here, quarantined here, had our first apartment together. So even though Portsmouth is pricey, we want the wedding to be here.
In terms of the actual venue...we don't know? We're looking at a very cute little chapel for the ceremony this weekend. And then there's a historic home down the street, that I would love to see if we could rent the lawn of for the reception. So we'll see. Octobers outdoors are also a little chilly? So it may be better to get inside.
Bridal Party
Chris knows exactly who is bridal party will be. I mostly know mine. Once I officially decide, we will ask everyone. In stalking OG Elise Joy archives recently, I stumbled across her cute bridal party "invites". I love this idea, especially to officially lay out some of the plans and expectations, and it's such a cute way to connect the people that don't know each other together.
Chris wants five groomsmen, and my list is looking like I will also have five in the bridal party. So then the question is, do we attempt to make them exactly even? Does one cut/add people to make them even? When have you crossed the line into adding so many friends to the bridal party, that you have no friends as guests haha?
Clothing wise I want to be really chill. I'm planning to ask all the bridesmaids/MOH to to pick a floral printed dress that they love for the ceremony. Mismatch, dark floral prints seems so fun! And then I'm thinking the groomsmen will have dark printed floral ties? Or maybe just different shades of darker vibrant colors?
Food
I want mulled wine. And comforting, good food---not gross typical wedding food. But most importantly, I want a DESSERT TABLE!! A whole spread with pies, different cakes, little cookies, tarts....a whole spread. And I want to make our "main" wedding cake, that we slice. I don't know why, but somehow I know for sure that's what I want to be doing the day before the wedding.
Colors
For colors I am picturing vibrant, rich earth tones with gold. Lots of greens, navy blues, golden yellows, some cranberry reds.
Dress
I know I want to feel like me. Nothing too fluffy, something a little timeless, a little glam, but also very comfortable and chill. And killer shoes, and great, big earrings. I'm not sure if I want a veil or not, but I'm leaning towards no.
I'm also not opposed to an ankle length dress. That's actually what I'm leaning towards...long but not too long? I definitely don't think I want a train.
The rhythm of the day:
We would love a late afternoon ceremony on either a Friday or Saturday night. We'd follow with a fun reception, hopefully out doors, that doesn't go too late. And then whoever wants to would go out downtown! And we spend the rest of the night out on the town in Portsmouth. Maybe we'd make a reservation for the first place? But then moving forwards, we're just out!
There is so, so much more. We need a photographer! And engagement photos! And approximately 1000 other things. I have been so excited to be married since we got engaged. But a light switch finally clicked, and now I feel so excited to actually plan a wedding.
Thursday, May 20, 2021
These Are The Days
As I'm typing this, I am sitting in West Palm, Florida, in between ice shows. I'm here skating with Rosstyn Ice Shows & Rink Designs at the South Florida Fair; we're almost to the end of our run and only have four show days left.
I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of fresh starts, and a new era. It's been over a year since I was away at a skating contract. Once I get home, I'll have left my other job and be setting out as a full time skating coach and full time student. The previous year, with all it's challenges, changes, and unknowns is starting to slip away. There are vaccines! There's live entertainment! We are coming back, and this pocket of in-between time will be gone.
I don't believe in sugarcoating everything, or always seeking "lessons" and "bright spots" in bad situations. Not everything has to be great! Some things can just be hard. But this season has held lots of growth for me. Mainly, my newfound appreciation for the present moment.
I am a rusher. I am always working towards, living for, planning for, the next thing. For me, COVID took that away. With everything up in the air, I had to learn to focus on what I needed in the moment, and making the best out of the situation we were in. And being forced to do that really helped me to appreciate this part of my life. Sure, there were a lot of things I wanted this year that didn't happen...but there were also so many things that did! And I am so incredibly lucky to have had the experience through covid that I had, and not something worse. There is so much to appreciate here.
March and April 2021 held so much goodness for us. Personally, I felt a rhythm set in. Vaccines helped us return to some of our favorite things for the first time. We got to experience all that ooey gooey joy of being newly engaged. We made good food. We kept the apartment clean. Bear became more manageable. Work found some consistency. We saw friends! Before I rush out of this spring, and into the newness of summer, I wanted to highlight some moments and rhythms from the spring that I want to remember.
SUNDAY RUNDAY: We ran together almost every Sunday. Our "Sunday Runday" became a wonderful part of the weekend to look forward to. I typically coach all day on Sunday, so getting up early and both getting a work out and quality time together was so wonderful.
DOG WALKS: Sort of connected to running, I made a concerted effort this spring to walk Bear, by myself, more often. Chris does 95% of walks for Bear. Often, I get frustrated with him...and I had fallen into the bad habit of getting irritated with him at night when I had stuff to do, but he needed attention. I started planning taking him for a walk as just part of my routine some days, and it helped so much. Walking's good for me, too!
BRYANT PARK: I ended up skating with American Ice Theatre for a one-day show in Bryant Park, NYC in early March! It was so fun! Rehearsals involved being on the ice, an hour away from home, by 6am for a few weeks...but it was worth it! The show was so fun and we turned into a sweet little weekend in NJ to see Chris' parents.
AIT NH: In March we also launched American Ice Theatre, NH! We hosted our first workshop, and made plans to start our junior performance company later this month! So exciting!!
TACOS: I forget why we started, but we fell into the habit of Taco Wednesdays and loved it. We went with Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays because Chris usually works Tuesdays...and a fun, easy dinner we can both work on turned out to be a great way to reconnect after not seeing much of each other for the first half of the week!
EDGE CLASS: Doug Webster from Ice Dance International has been hasting a pro-level edge class in NH this spring, and attending every week was such a highlight of the year for me. It was so fun to improve and work with so many skaters that I really admire, and that have turned into wonderful friends. Hoping this can continue once I'm home!
WEEKENDS: While I didn't take really any weekends off, I did have Saturday afternoons mostly off. We did a lot of lunch beers, afternoons spent downtown, and power cleans of the apartment together. We hiked with friends, and went to friends houses. I tried hard to never have school, or work, that had to happen past 12 on Saturdays. It wasn't always successful, but more often than not it led to me feeling so much less stressed going into a full workday Sunday.FEELIN LOVED: Obviously, everyone is happy and excited when they get engaged. But Chris and I weren't prepared for how much deeper, and more connected, this time has made us feel. We feel more like a couple, and a family unit, and we're excited for everything that's coming. This spring, we worked hard to preserve time together as a couple and also make sure each of us was doing the things that were important to them. It's a balance, and we're excited to keep striving for that once I'm home.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the phrase “these are the days”. These are the days we’ve been waiting for! I have been waiting my whole life to coach so much, be engaged, have my own place, skate well enough for a pro level edge class, have a close friend group. And somehow, I’m here! So I don’t want to rush through. I want to enjoy all of it. Every sunset streaming through our kitchen windows, every time we throw sticks for Bear, every time Chris and I catch up over homemade margs, and every time I laugh with a student. These are the days we’ve been waiting for. Why waste this moment by not appreciating it?
Friday, February 19, 2021
Just Wow!
Saturday, January 23, 2021
The Ups & The Downs
![]() |
| December 2019. I was THRIVING. |
![]() |
| February 2020. I remember getting dressed this particular morning to meet up with a friend, and really struggling. |
| A few weeks ago. I feel like the fog is finally lifting, and I feel so much more like me again! |
Monday, January 11, 2021
One Year of Shacking Up
This past Sunday, January 10th, marked the one year anniversary of Chris and I moving in together. I can't believe that it's been that long, but I also can't imagine it being any other way.
December of 2019, I was skating at Sea World's WWOI. I had left for Florida in November with a rough plan that we would most likely move in together after I came home. Over the next two months, we decided for sure.
December 2019, we talked a lot about living together, and what it would mean. That conversation, though, had really started over a year earlier, and became a serious topic over that summer. We talked about every side of it, from timelines and expectations about marriage, to how we'd split finances, to how we'd make time to do things without each other. For me, though, the number one topic I kept coming back to was a little less helpful: how would we handle people's reactions?
I was worried about what my parents would think. What my grandmother would think. I was worried about the thoughts of people at church, and especially worried about my closest friends at church. I was worried I would disappoint someone. I was worried that people would think I was some kind of fake Christian, or just a terribly weak one. I was worried that somehow I was failing. And all that worry made me obsess, and attempt to prepare for, so many worst case scenarios. I was prepared to be openly ridiculed, excluded from people I loved, and get the cold shoulder from family.
But, I also knew that I really wanted to live with Chris. I knew that after all the time I'd spent staying over at his apartment, I was happiest there. Going through normal, daily rhythms with him made me feel the most grounded, the most whole, and the most like myself. Our time together made me want to keep growing as a person. A year and a half into our relationship, I found our love the most exciting, and most nourishing, part of my life.
We also knew that this was just really good for us. We wanted more space, more time, a routine. We wanted to live with less of an audience. We felt like the next step of our growth as a couple was to act like a proper, partnered couple.
And while I worried a lot about the opinions of my church, I also didn't believe this was wrong. Maybe those reasons will be their own post some day, but suffice it to say, deciding not to move in together would have been a decision made out of fear of resentment, not fear of actually doing something wrong. Even on my most people-pleasing days, I couldn't live with the idea of that fear shaping my life.
This year, perhaps, wasn't the easiest one to start our lives together: there was that pandemic, bouts of unemployment, disappointments, actual criticisms my church members, and coming to terms with some deeply rooted anxiety. But on the flip side, every single good thing that did come out of 2020 for me, is somehow linked to the happy little life we've made together. Without Chris vacuuming dog hair and doing home workouts beside me, this year really would have been unbearable.
A year later, I am proud of us. I'm proud of the life and the cozy little home we've built. I'm proud that in the face of knowingly opening ourselves up to criticism, we stuck together and focused our actual decisions on what we needed as a couple. I'm proud that we've both been open and eager communicators, to make figuring out what we need doable.
We have so many more ways to grow, but the growth we did experience is something I'm very proud of. Happy one year of shacking up, Chris. I am so beyond grateful to get to be delinquent with you.
For anyone thinking through this transition: listen to your gut, not everyone else's reactions. You absolutely know what the right decision for this moment is.















