On Moving Forward In The Face of Unknowns

Lately, I've been hit with an overwhelming feeling of uncertainty, restlessness, and anxiety over what the future's going to hold.

This past January, I finally got an opportunity that I've been chasing literally since I graduated high school. I feel like I can't talk about it too much (don't want to jinx it), but I auditioned for a professional ice show. I would literally get to do what I love, every single day, for my job. Leading up to it, I pulled out all of the stops. I trained harder, an even focused on working on some of my mental blocks, so I wouldn't crack under pressure.

As far as I am concerned, all of that hard work paid off. I left extremely proud of what I put out there, and confident that I had showed them not only my best self, but also an accurate portrayal of what they'd be getting should the hire me. Since I auditioned when the show was closest to me, back in January, it's been a very long wait since contracts aren't really out until late spring. For a while, I was fine. I felt good, I didn't panic. But lately? It's all I can think about. I have to actively resist the urge to email them every day, begging them to just hire me.

I am still waiting to hear back with a definitive yes or no. I've followed up, but was only told that they don't have an answer yet. Which is definitely better than being told no...but still. I'm getting very nervous.

I don't even know if I can describe how much I want this. It's literally the only thing I've know, for sure, that I wanted to do with my life. While touring itself would be an amazing opportunity, it would also open up so many doors for my life after I stop wanting to live on the road. This could set the stage for my whole career, and therefore my whole life (I understand I'm being very dramatic).

All of this unknown is making it extremely hard for me to focus and push myself this spring. I have so many ideas for different projects, but I just keep starting them and then getting overwhelmed, sad, and feeling some major impostor syndrome. This summer, I could either be starting an incredible journey of living on the road and skating for a living, or I could just be...here.What am I going to do if I'm still here? What if I end up repeating this exact same year over again?

I understand that this kind of emotional crisis is what every other 21 year-old experiences, and that I'm being dramatic. I understand that one audition doesn't make or break a career. I understand that if I just stay positive, and work hard, I will end up exactly where I'm supposed to be. But like, tell that to the butterflies in my stomach because they will not stop the anxiety attacks.

My big question is, since there's not much I can do about this state of unknown, how can I continue to move forward and make progress, so that I'm in a good place whether it's the best or worst case scenario? Instead of exclusively focusing on how to make myself more hire-able (because I've already put a lot of work there, and obsessing actually holds back my progress), what do I really want to see happen in my skating, work, life?

I know that I want to focus on longevity. I don't plan on quitting skating, even once I become 'too old' (no such thing). So with that in mind, I can afford to take a breath. I want to focus on learning everything I can about the sport, and improving some technique that I'm not happy with. This is going to take a lot of time. Working on my jump technique has already been at the forefront of my mind for over a year, and it's still got a ways to go. But really, there isn't a rush.

I want to challenge myself artistically. While competing with my TOI team is always a great creative boost, I also want to challenge myself to create more of my own stuff. I'm planning on choreographing my own Showcase program this year, and am performing with AIT-Boston this spring, which involves a lot of improv.

I want to be trained enough to pass two freestyle tests. There are 8 freestyle tests you can work towards passing through USFSA, and I've only got three left: Novice, Junior, and Senior. I really, really want to pass through Junior by July (if you follow me on Instagram, this is my 100 day project). No going around it, for that to happen I have to be putting everything towards training. I need more stamina. More fight to get all my jumps in. And frankly, I need to actually consistently land the required jumps, which I'm not always doing, even out of a program.

And finally, I want to write more. Writing has always been something I'm passionate about, and I've often toyed with the idea of figuring out how to pursue it professionally. But what would that look like? Could I dedicate enough time to it on top of skating and work? Could I ever make it full time? How do I write what I enjoy, not just pound out 1000 words for content mills?

I feel like more questions than answers. I'm terrified that I'll look back in 10 years at this time of my life, and realize I missed so many opportunities (maybe even the opportunity to enjoy this?). I'm so scared that I won't amount to anything, or, gasp, I'll just be an average person. I know myself well enough to know that this time next week I'll probably be happy and go-lucky, and believing the world is all possibility, but right now I just feel a little stuck. It's also raining today. Maybe I'll blame my mood on that.

But regardless of whether or not I feel like I'm moving forward correctly, I have to recognize that my life is and always will be progressing. I don't actually get to choose when, or to some extent how, I'm going to 'move forward'. Life just hands me a situation, and I have to figure out how to deal with.

So maybe, that is the action plan I so desperately want. Accept the situation that I've been given. Be grateful for how much progress I had to make to be in this situation. And then press on. Keep working. Keep experimenting. Take myself a little less seriously, but also take my ideas, my potential, a good deal more seriously.

Happy Thursday! Be the grittiest!

xoxo Gillian

Choose To Live The Bigger Life

Monday night after work, my mom and I drove 10 minutes from our house and took a brisk, 1 hour hike that led us up and around 3 small peaks. It was the kind of evening that reminds me that no matter how badly I want to travel and move and experience different places, NH will always be my home. The fact that, with no more tools than my own two feet, I can trek through dense forests and out on craggy hilltops, my imagination calling the elevated fields the moors of England, is incredible to me. It was post-work at 5 o'clock on a Monday night, after what had been a 'not horrible but definitely meh' day. And there I was, having the kind of beautiful experience I keep stored in the back of my mind under 'bucket lists'.

The thing is, there is nothing magical about 5pm on a Monday. As a current day-job holder, it's tempting to call it the least magical time of the week. But the truth is, we can't spend our days waiting for the magical moments and perfect situations. They don't really exist. Instead, we need to be able to look at our lives with clear eyes and actively pursue the work, people, situations, and interests that will add the most joy. 

I occasionally listen to Gretchen Rubin's podcast 'Happier', and I've been ruminating on a point she made a couple of months back (I've searched for the episode, but I can't remember exactly which one it was). Rubin was talking about her family's long, drawn-out decision to get their dog Barnaby. As newbie-dog owners, they were reading everything they could get their hands on about dogs and training, the pros and the cons. Living in NYC, there was no question that choosing to get a dog would mean a substantial life change; but would it be worth it? Sure, having a pet ads a lot of joy to life, but would the extra hassle outweigh the newly-added joy?

Upon reflecting, Rubin thought, "choose to live the bigger life." Spoiler alert: they got the dog, and they are so happy they did. Yes, training is hard. Yes, having a dog in an apartment is hard. Yes, he's added an extra responsibility to their already-full plates. But alongside all of that, he's also made their lives bigger. He's made playtime more boundless, their bonds a little deeper. Turns out, adding complexity can quite often also mean we're adding depth. 

"Choose to live the bigger life" has not been absent from my mind since the day I first heard it. It spurs me on to stop playing small, and instead explore the outer reaches of my capability. What would happen if I tried for the better job? Started that side project? Started talking to my friend-crush? Asked someone out? Took that new class? Everything that is great, and exciting, and ultimately soul-filling, is on the the other side of an active choice to do something. Even the simple things. 

I've also discovered that living the bigger life does not always mean living the more Insta-worthy, crazy-solo-trekking-across-Europe-life, either (unless, of course, it does). Living the bigger life is choosing not to be satisfied with the same-old, same-old, that leaves you peevish and annoyed instead of happy. You can live your bigger life by starting your freelance gig on the side. Or playing pickup hockey. Or running a 5K. Or having a kid. Or going to see your friend's play. Or turning off the TV and reading really great books. It can also mean taking a job in a different state, going back to school, saving for an adventurous vacation, or working for yourself. My guess is, that for you, living your biggest life involves a mixture of crazy, toe-crinkling adventures, and some ridiculously pleasant hum-drum experiences. The sweet spot is in the balance. 

Last Monday, work was boring. I was tired. It was 5 o'clock, and I'd eaten a decent amount of chocolate already. I wanted to lay on the couch and watch Friends, but probably would have ended up attempting to be 'productive', and ultimately scrolling my phone. But instead, I got pushed out of the house and on a hike that has no joke, changed my entire week. It gave me time to catch up with my mom. It helped me re-calibrate after a busy weekend. It gave me time, and respite, to now look out at the rest of my week and know that I've been able to spend time doing exactly what 'dream Gillian' would be doing. 

I will always stand by the opinion that we have significantly more power over our lives than we think we do. No matter your situation, you're in charge of what you make of it. I don't want to look back in 20 years and think that I settled or cowered in a corner when life came and offered things that were exciting (and terrifying). Even on Mondays, I can check that I'm doing my best. Trying my best. Pursuing that bigger, more satisfied, more authentic life.

Happy Thursday!

xoxo Gillian

Learning from a Christmas Project

Last November, I got a random Instagram DM from a guy I grew up with. Caleb Chamberlain, who was part of the same local homeschool community as me, is a photographer/filmmaker now, and working on the creative team at a local branch of Next Level Church. We met for coffee, and he explained that he wanted to create a video countdown, centered around a figure skating program, to use during before the worship team came out at NLC's Christmas services. He had reached out to find out if I would be interested in choreographing/performing it.

I was interested right away (because all you have to do to get my attention is say 'skating'), but I also knew that this was a big undertaking for just one person. So, I told Caleb I would, if I could bring one of my friends on board. And with that, I'd roped one of my closest friends and TOI teammates, Katherine Vitaro into it (don't worry, she was elated).

This is what we came up with:

The filming and editing are great, Caleb and his team did a great job and were fun to work with. We filmed it pretty late at night in a local rink, and watching them set up (and fly a drone!) was so much fun, and a great experience.

It's been almost 3 months since this project was completed, but I took my time writing this because I didn't know what I wanted to say. It's taken a long time for me to sort out my feelings on this one. I have moments where I'm really proud of what we did, and then others where I'm disappointed.  Now that I have this footage, I wish I could take some white-out and a sharpie to a couple of places.

I do not consider myself a choreographer. At all. I love artistic skating, and I think I'm good at performing, but I don't think of myself as someone's who's great at choreography. My experience comes from one choreo competition, a handful of Christmas show numbers, and putting together programs for a couple of Learn to Skate students. Part of why I was so interested in this was the fact that it would be challenging: and it was!

This isn't about ripping apart the work that Kat and I did. We completed something! Something we'd never done before! That is an achievement. But, I do have some thoughts on what I'll do differently next time:

01: I will think through logistics much earlier, and much more thoroughly. Kat and I live 2 hours away from each other. We both have two jobs. Giving up ice that I use for my personal practice is hard, and something I don't really like doing. Next time there's a project like this, I'm going to be a lot more realistic with how long it will take, and identify definite times to work on it BEFORE accepting. Of course doing fun projects requires some long days and late nights! But a lot of stress could have been avoided if I'd pre-planned better.

02: I will have better communication with the rest of the team, and a have a process for evaluating first drafts. I think what we choreographed would have looked much better from the stands than it necessarily does in the video. Having never done anything like this, it was really hard to picture exactly how they were going to film it. I wish that I'd been more responsible about asking questions, and had thought to maybe do some pre-shoots or something, so we could both get a feel for how the other was going to handle their end of the project.

03: I would use smaller movements, instead of trying to cover so much ice. Again: our stadium-skater brains took over on this one. I think it would have looked much better on film if we had used more sustained movements that took up less space, than powering around the rink in traditional skater fashion.

04: I would have more movements featuring us together. Watching it now, this is what I want more of.

05: I'd do something about my hands. Sometimes I get these weird scarecrow hands. Personal pet peeve. I need to work on fixing them.

06: I would have asked to be part of the selection of what clips were used. I think it's very hard for a non-skater to pick out the same moments a skater would. There are definitely some mistakes and hesitations that I personally would have replaced with other clips of the same section, but I think it's hard to see all of that when you're a non-skater working without a skating vocabulary. This could be totally out of line, but I think it would have helped.

BUT. There are some things here I'd definitely do again:

01: Try something new. I am happy we tackled this project because I never would have learned the six things above without it. This is the creative life: you're inspired, you try, you don't like it, but next time you try, it will probably go better. Fingers crossed, anyways.

02: Don't give up on it. Kat and I hit many walls with this project. Both of us fell victim to being uninspired, stuck, and having lots of doubts. Luckily, we felt this way at different times, and could help pull each other out of it. I'm happy we stuck it out, even while not always liking what we were coming up with.

03: Try to give an unstructured prompt a very specific story. We were told to skate to Carol of the Bells. That was it. With so much room, the first thing we did was agree on some sort of storyline. While it may not be obvious to a viewer, it anchored what we were trying to do. I think this was really helpful to us both.

I just finished reading Jenna Fischer's new book The Actor's Life. I LOVED it, and think every person wanting to live a creative life should read it. In it, she talked about the importance of showing up and doing the work. Of course we all want to be perfect, or at the very least good. But that isn't realistic every single day. Instead of always aiming for perfection, we need to aim to challenge ourselves, try new things, and approach everything with a growth mindset.

There are many things I would change about this project, but I am looking forward to taking all of that to the next thing, instead of ruminating on this one any longer. There is work to be done.

Be the grittiest! 

xoxo Gillian

Remember To Talk To The Ice

Last night, I got to go to what the Boston skating community knows as an Underground. Adam Blake, who choreographs everything from Ross Miner, to the Haydenettes, to Disney on Ice, to our entire TOI program, puts them on occasionally. Usually held pretty late at night, he comes up with a dance combo for us to learn, and then we take it to the ice. He does a lot of hip hop in his choreography, so these combos usually have a lot of that, too. After we officially learn and practice it on the ice, we alternate doing it all together, splitting into big groups, and splitting into small groups. He films all the different groupings, and eventually pulls them together into a video. 

As we were warming up on the ice, he turned out the lights and set tea candles on the boards all the way around the rink. He told us to listen as we skated in our own space, without acknowledging other people, and take some time to talk to the ice. 

When you're in a relationship, he says, you can't ignore your person for days and weeks at a time, and then come home and expect everything to be fine. You need to talk to them. You need to show them you're grateful for them and excited by them. You can tell them when they make you nervous, or even when you're mad at them. You need to tell them when they're the reason you're happy.

It's the exact same thing with the ice. Adam said, that as we get busy coaching or choreographing or fulfilling contracts or even just doggedly training every day, we can forget to keep talking to the ice. And then, we're surprised when it doesn't talk back! To keep skating accessible to us, to bring our truest, strongest, most creative selves to the rink, we need to keep talking to it. 

It's not like I'm competing at the Olympics. But even while preparing for tests, local competitions, and auditions, it can be easy to loose sight of what I love about skating. With the pressure to check off accomplishments and rush to get things done, it's very easy to not take the time to think about what you're doing out there. When you're hustling to run your program, practice all your jump passes, and train your spins, it's easy to go a stretch of days or weeks when you skate a lot but don't make anything new. 

The best part, is that talking to the ice doesn't require a lot of time. You could make up new spin combinations, or funky arm variations. You could try doing different tricks into your jump entrances. You could put yourself through your own warm-up edge class with footwork patterns you create, or on empty sessions, put on music and allow yourself to do some improv. Talking to the ice is just like playing: it could be doing Showcase duets with a friend, doing knee slides across the ice, or even making a point to perform more in every program runthrough. 

Skating is an intense sport that requires a lot of physical ability and hard training. But it's also a performing art. Our programs aren't stagnant, they're living and breathing, and they're different every time we skate them. While it's important to be a great skater from a technical viewpoint, we can't ignore the fact that what we're doing out there is art. So it's worth it to look up. Perform. Understand the story you're trying to tell. And give yourself the room to create something that's honest, and that you're proud of.

Saturday night was an absolute BLAST. Thank you, Adam, for the incredible opportunity to do stuff like this. Feeling extra inspired and excited to catch up with the ice tomorrow.

Be the grittiest!!

xoxo Gillian

Reading in 2017

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2017 was the year I really got my reading life back. Ever since probably my freshman or sophomore year of high school, I’ve really struggled to read as much as I want to. After realizing I only read 11 books in 2015 (gasp!), I set the goal to read at least 12 in 2016. At the end of the year, I’d surpassed that goal and read 17! Taking advantage of that momentum, I set what I thought was an ambitious goal of 20 books in 2017. I hit my goal on September 7th, with The Actor and the Housewife by Shannon Hale. Since then, I’ve bumped my total up to 29 books finished in 2017!.

I’ve been thinking about how I managed to read so much this year. This is what I’ve come up with:

I finally jumped on the audiobooks train. As someone who commutes a lot for both work and skating, I know this seems like an obvious answer, but it’s taken me years to actually get into them. This year, though, I finally figured out that while I’m not good at paying attention to fiction audiobooks, I love fast-paced non-fiction on audiobook (at that point, it’s practically a podcast!). I also started throwing money at the problem, and paid for Audible. Yes, I could download free audiobooks from the library, but they don’t have the best selection (for me), and typically not the narrators I want. Paying for what I want has definitely helped me read more.

I read at work. I understand that this is very unique given my situation as a para, but when your kid is taking a quiz, what else is there for you to do? I also checked out for about 15-20 minutes almost daily while he was in advisory and not needing my support. Plus, his english class had 5 required reads last year, and I read along with him to make sure we could talk about them before class.

I consumed other media that made me want to read. Following book bloggers on Instagram and listening to podcasts like Literary Disco and What Should I Read Next? every week definitely served as a reminder to keep the TV off when I got home and spend the time reading instead. That’s a huge tip for any area of your life, really: in this social media age, make sure you’re following the stuff that motivates you and brings positive things into your life.

I traveled quite a bit. I started by Shannon Hale while on the plane down to Knoxville, Tennessee, for the ProSkater Performance Camp and Live Audition, and I finished it while driving back from Ann Arbor, Michigan, from Nation’s Cup. I finished Emma by Jane Austen on the flight home from Evansville, Indiana, from the National Theater on Ice Competition.

And quite simply, but most importantly, I just chose to read. I read in coffee shops between rinks, on summer afternoons between my am job and pm job, while waiting for dates to pick me up, and for hours on Saturday afternoons, when I didn’t have other plans. Some lunch breaks, I intentionally went and sat by myself because I needed the time alone to read.

I also read a lot of really good books in 2017, which definitely helped me stay motivated (and keep the TV off). You can view my full list on Goodreads, but I wanted to highlight my favorite reading experiences from the year here.

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin While I know Rubin barely needs an introduction, I enjoyed this book even more than I thought I would. While I’m a sucker for everything in the self-help genre, I really appreciated her memoir-style writing here. While I haven’t started my own Happiness Project (yet….I’ve definitely considered it), this book did change how I thought about my day-to-day. Perhaps most importantly, it made me stop apologizing for making time to just have fun, doing what I think is fun (instead of what other people around me consider fun). Definitely recommend, especially to start off the year.

The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin, and And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie I read these both back-to-back, and they will now be forever linked in my mind. The Westing Game is a piece of children’s literature my student had to read for school, and it tells the story of a mysterious millionaire who challenges his neighbors to solve the mystery of his own death, promising to reward to winner with his inheritance. Similarly, Christie’s And Then There Were None is definitely one of her creepier books, as a murder mystery unfolds on a secluded island as the houseguests disappear one by one. While reading them, it really did feel like I was reading the ‘kid’ version and the ‘grown up’ version of the same book. I loved them both, and they left me equally reeling.

The Two Towers by J.R.R. TolkienThis was probably my 4th reading of The Two Towers, but my first since probably age 14. Reading Tolkien will always feel like going home to me: his voice has such strong connections to my childhood. Whenever I’d open this up, I felt everything I was worried about just fall away and I just sunk into the story. Coming back to his writing as an adult is also exciting: it’s fun to see what parts I remember, and what went right over my head as a kid. The Return of the King is definitely due for a re-read this year.

Voracious: A Hungry Reader Cooks Her Way Through Great Books by Cara Nicoletti It was a Saturday towards the end of June: I’d had a crazy work week finishing finals at the school I work at, my team had practice all day that Sunday, I worked Monday and had team practice that night, then flew out Tuesday night after work for Nationals. That Friday night before, my boyfriend broke up with me. I woke up Saturday morning to a gorgeous, sunny day, with no good morning texts, and surprisingly, no rink to rush to. I lay down on the couch, and finished this book in one day. It was exactly what I needed. It was funny, and nostalgic, and told the best stories of what being a human is all about: friendship, hard work, family legacy, wine, and chocolate. Lots and lots of wine and chocolate. Her essays were fantastic, I wanted to try every single one of her recipes, and the illustrations were worthy of framing. I would read Nicoletti’s grocery list if I could get my hands on it (and the way she cooks, it’s probably worth stealing). She’s also hilarious on Instagram (if not Grandma-friendly).

Emma by Jane Austen As a lifelong P&P fangirl, I have a major confession to make: Emma has stolen my heart, and won the title of my favorite Austen work. I underlined and dog-eared and read aloud to my mom almost every single page. I snorted out loud on the plane while I was reading. While Darcy is still probably my first pick of Austen heroes, in real life, I think Mr. Knightley would be the best match for me. Emma is also the perfect heroine, in that she’s incredibly imperfect, and we love her anyway.

The Amateur Marriage by Anne Tyler If Voracious was the chocolate-covered binge that gave my heart a post-break-up-pep-talk, then The Amateur Marriage was the empowering friend helping me voice what I don’t want in the future. It was almost eerie: If my ex and I had stayed together, I guarantee you that this book would have been about us (and that’s not a good thing). It was refreshing, and gave me a vehicle to get a lot of important, big picture thinking done. It was also beautifully written, and while I know Anne Tyler isn’t exactly an undiscovered author, it made me realize that she may be underrated, at least in my circles.

Grit by Angela Duckworth. I LOVED this, and it’s probably the book I recommended the most this year. Duckworth pulls together everything she’s learned from years of studying the psychology of grit: how grit affects our success, and how to become gritter people (you know at the bottom of my posts when I say ‘be the grittiest!’? That’s from this book!). In it, she talks about why being tenacious is so vital to our success as a person, and even more important than intelligence, or talent. I loved it, and ended up applying a lot of her lessons to skating, in particular. I listened to this on audio (she reads it herself...and does a great job!), but I’m considering buying the physical book and re-reading it so I can take notes.

168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam. Another great research-based read, I found Vanderkam’s position that we aren’t busy, but have more than enough time for everything we want to accomplish, extremely encouraging. She helped me re-frame my own thought processes, and instead of complaining about being busy, stop and ask myself what it is I want to be doing. I also love her simple way to re-frame: what are we wanting all this free-time for, really? Don’t we want free-time so we can put things that are important to us in it? So why not just fill our time with those important things to begin with?

Spinster: Making A Life of One's Own by Kate Bolick. Forget the cheesy title: this is another research-based heavy hitter, talking about the history of the single woman in America from the Victorian era through today, and what that means to us as individuals. I also listened to this on audio, and often sat in my driveway after getting home so I could hear a bit more. I have not stopped thinking about this book since I finished it in September, and it’s another one that really changed how I thought about myself, my future, and how I want to (and whether or not I want to) add a guy to this mix someday. It also made me want to move to NYC and be a writer, but that might just be me. Since reading, solitude seems so much sweeter.

Letters From Father Christmas by J.R.R. Tolkien While his kids were growing up, J.R.R. Tolkien would write responses to their letters to Father Christmas every winter. This is a collection of his letters. Like I said earlier, Tolkien has changed my life and every time I read him I feel nothing but peace, so Christmas is the perfect time to get some of his work read. I loved his whimsical characters like Polar Bear, and the goblins that live in the mountains. I also found his letters from the WW2 years very poignant. This one is so quick, that I can see myself turning back to it every Christmas from now on.

Guys, I am so excited. I notice such a big difference in my mental clarity and happiness when I make the time to read. I am ridiculously looking forward to starting my list of reads in 2018, and setting a new goal on Goodreads (I’m going with 36!). I don’t really make ‘reading lists’ for myself (because the minute it’s required, I start dragging my feet), but I have been putting some thought into what I want more of in my reading life for 2018.

In 2017, I read a 50/50 split between fiction and non-fiction, and that is definitely a ratio that felt really good and I’d like to keep. I would like to read more classics in 2018, after Austen and Tolkien reminded me this year how good it feels to really have to think about a book. Some definites on that front would be The Return of the King, Persuasion, and The Canterbury Tales. I also want to read more Kate Morton, Anne Tyler, re-read L.M. Montgomery’s Emily series, finally finish L.A. Meyer’s Bloody Jack series, and get through a couple of poetry collections that have been waiting for me.

What did your reading life look like in 2017? What do you want in 2018?

Be the grittiest! xo Gillian

Merry Christmas!

Christmas with the fam, 2016.

As I'm typing this, it's 10:19 PM on Christmas Eve. Per Robidas family tradition, I've been banished upstairs so my parents can do their last-minute wrapping in the living room. No matter how old you are, some traditions never die.

To be honest, I've been hot and cold when it comes to Christmas this year. Before Thanksgiving, I was super excited and brimming with ideas. Over the last month and a half, though, work has become super stressful, I've had to have some tough conversations with my managers about changes in the new year, and my weekends have been full due to a second job (which I love!). On top of that, the rest of the family has been juggling school and multiple jobs and everything, too...so our whole house has been dragging a little going into Christmas.

But. This weekend, we are home. I went to church this morning and got to go to lunch with my amazing church family after. We spent Christmas Eve at my aunt's house, celebrating with my dad's side, which was fun. Tomorrow, we get to have a quiet morning with just our family, and then head out (in the forecasted snow!!) to my uncle's house for my mom's side's Christmas. It will be loud, and crazy, and filled with lots of running around and good food. I love big family holidays.

I love this time of year. I love Christmas and everything that comes with this season. But, every year I get a little sad, too. I always end up with a little knot in my stomach that won't go away. On the surface, I'll get a little sad about all the things I didn't end up getting done or thinking of. But, the root goes deeper than that. I get weirdly nostalgic; I start to miss times that I've never lived. I can't walk through a store without thinking about how weird it is that I'm so close to so many people at that moment and yet am never, ever going to meet them again. I get lonely for not just the people in my life, and the people who used to be in my life, but also the people who will never be in my life. I start to want to know all the alternate paths and random people and opposite lives I could be leading. And, I start to miss them all.

I don't hate these Christmas aches. They keep me grounded, I think; they help me see a little deeper than all the commercial stuff. But it's not comfortable to feel it. I start to miss life when me and my cousins were younger, or at least the times before girlfriends and boyfriends, when there weren't those family outsiders to talk around. I miss future us, too: I think about the inevitable day when this whole family unit won't be together, I think about my aunt and  uncle's divorce, and even though they both still do holidays together, all that unsaid tip-toeing. I think a lot about my friends, too; sometimes about how I wish I could spend Christmas with them, like when they all sing around the piano in You've Got Mail. I think about all those awkward family conversations, and how on earth we can become so disconnected to our own flesh and blood. I think a lot about what I wish I did during the year to make these talks better, whether it's spending more time with family or fixing my life so I have better things to talk about.

Personally, I feel (am) on the cusp of some pretty big things. I am hoping for them, praying for them, and so ready for them, to come true. But, it's also heart-breaking to think about future me not being here, so close to family, with the churches I've grown up with and little cousins everywhere. If I get what I want, and everything changes, it won't be the same again. How scary is that?

Since yesterday, I've been so uncomfortable with how cluttered the house is, and the piles of stuff everywhere and a planner I can't even read, that I've been dreaming of skipping over Christmas and getting a head start on my week off work to re-set and re-group. I am so looking forward to 2018: not because 2017 was bad, or just that I'm super excited for some cool opportunities, but just that I need a fresh start. But, these Christmas aches have made me slow down a little. Christmas Day, I want to make a point to take my time. Really talk and listen. Enjoy some good food and not sweat the small stuff (because let's be honest: at a family holiday, there'll be a lot of little things to possibly sweat over). Regardless of what does or doesn't happen in 2018, I do know that Christmas 2018 will be different just because it's a new year. 

I'm okay with taking a step back from a couple of traditions this year. We didn't have the time, and that's okay. Not every year is the same. My goal is to soak in all the wood stove, twinkling lights, loving family, giving spirit, stupid jokes, and snow falling New England Christmas vibes tomorrow. No matter where I am or who I'm with, today, tomorrow, and next year, it's special to have this day to relax and reflect and enjoy. I may lean into the Christmas aches for some perspective, but I'm excited to soak up the unique joy that every year brings with it.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Praying that you and yours have a safe, warm, joyful holiday.

Merry Christmas! xoxo

~Gillian

PS-As part of their gift, I made a Christmas movie with my cousins as our virtual Christmas card. It's cheesy and super fun. It's unlisted on Youtube, but I'm going to leave the link HERE for a couple of weeks if you want to take a peek. :)

Petitioning the Christmas Cop-Out

Christmas tree shopping with little cousins in tow.

Pre-Thanksgiving, I was already wicked excited for Christmas. I had so many ideas for gifts and parties and decorations, so many things I wanted to do with the little cousins. I imagined weekends spent at craft fairs and candles burning and lots of family snuggled together to watch a Christmas movie. It's been a few years since I really, whole-heartedly felt Christmas-y that early, and I was thrilled.

But. In my idyllic Whoville-esque world, I'd forgotten that full family on-board-ed-ness is a key ingredient. Over Thanksgiving, both sides of the family talked over Christmas plans and brought up the ever-present question of how to handle gift-giving. I don't know why, but neither side of our family has ever figured out a Christmas gifting system that works year to year. Sometimes, we buy for everyone. Sometimes, we buy for just the kids and grand-parents, and no middle-adults. This year, we decided to do a yankee swap for my Mom's side, and no gifts at all for my Dad's side. And, I don't know. That's really sucked a lot of the fun out of Christmas for me.

It's not that I want a bunch of gifts, obviously. I hate thoughtless-consumerism just as much as the next person, and I find nothing more soul-sucking than a cellophane-wrapped Walmart gift basket. But, at the risk of sounding like a Pinterest quote board, it's not about what you get! The best part about Christmas gift-giving is that it has almost nothing to do with the actual gift that's getting wrapped. There's a lot of joy that comes from meditating about a person, deciding on the best gift for them, and then going out of your way (but making room in your budget or time in your schedule) to give it to them.

When I was little, I always got a present for every single person in the family. Granted, I was 11. Most of my presents involved photos stuffed in thrift-store frames, cookie dough for the freezer, a badly knit dish towel, or, if I was being spend-y, a can of mixed nuts. I spent months planning these gifts out, and painstakingly wrapping every single one. At Christmas, I was so proud that every person had a present from me. I remembered that I would worry if I had left someone out; I was terrified that they would think they weren't as meaningful to me if I hadn't found them the perfect gift.

As an adult now, whenever I watch my little cousins give gifts, I understand what it must have been like to watch me as a kid. They get so excited whenever they've been the ones to pick something out, and they always have a fantastic reason for giving it. One year, my cousin Ena bought my Mom white coffee mug with the Lucky Charms logo on it. One one side, over the Lucky Charm's guy's face, sat a huge, orange 50 cents sticker. Ena was so excited, "I heard you loved Lucky Charms!" she said.

And she's right. My mom loves Lucky Charms! And now, a good 8 or 9 years later, we still have that mug in all it's Dollar Store glory. It's one of our favorites. If we do a yankee swap, moments like that won't happen. Every one will have a sterile, $20 gift for the swap and it will pass without a ton of talking. Don't get me wrong, I love a good yankee swap. But they work best when you're doing it with a huge group, or at a church Christmas party, and everyone can bring silly gifts. Those yankee swaps are amazing, but swaps in a normal-sized family, with serious gifts, are just lame.

I just can't stand the dicussion that always comes with this. All the "we don't have money this year!" and "we never know what to get!" and "you're all grown up now!". It's just laziness. Most of the gifts I give are homemade baked goods, because I never have the extra money, either. But the point is not the what of the giving. It's the taking time out of your day to really think about a specific person, and do something that's just for them.

I think we bring out a lot of our insecurities as adults as Christmas. We worry so much more about how much money we spend on each person, and whether or not that was the 'right' amount for them. I think that's ridiculous. We think that we can't do homemade gifts any more, and that it's better to give nothing at all than to give a plate of cookies, or something small. These are our families! They love us and value us and are happy when we think of them.

I find that heart-breaking. These are our families, and we should be able to love them as the people we are in the here and now: simple treats if you're broke this year, a heartfelt card, or if you're on the opposite side and have been really blessed this year, then something they can't get for themselves. No one else is (or should be!) judging you, no matter what side you fall. I petition that we get over our egos this Christmas, and get back to the heart of the matter: giving of ourselves, to those we love the most.

Happy Friday! xoxo

Gillian

PS-Here's a look back at what I was thankful for in 2015 (hint: if I'd written a list this year, there would have been a lot of repeats!), and some priceless holiday family pictures.