Knoxville, Part 2

Part 1.

I'm just going to say it: I was actually really disappointed with myself about my Knoxville ProSkater audition.

I felt like I wasn't friendly enough. Bright enough. Good enough. Like I wasted an opportunity to make a great first impression by selling myself short.

And, yes. I still feel that way. Next year, there's a lot of things I'll be doing differently.

But there will be a next year. As I was processing my disappointment over these past few weeks, it sparked a shift in my own thoughts. I will stay committed to my dreams. To my goals. I will keep working hard, keep improving, keep experimenting until I hit on where I need to be. 

Throughout highschool, continuing to skate and putting 'Disney on Ice' as my goal was shiny, exciting, and very, very far off. This year, my first out of school, has been scary and stressful for the simple fact that now, I need to actually make something happen. And that's a huge jump to make.

But I'm in the process of shifting my attitude. Regardless of the fact I didn't get a job from this particular audition, I'm proud that I went. I'm proud I put myself out there and tried something new. I didn't leave with a job, but I left with the tools to keep trying to get one. And while in the moment that felt disappointing, I'm realizing that's a huge step, too.

Knoxville brought to light a couple of key takeaways:

I am building a whole life.

Don't get tunnel vision to the point that you hurt yourself. I'm focusing on being healthy and happy on the ice, but also off the ice with church, coaching, writing, and being social. There's a lot of life to live, and I don't want to miss an opportunity because I was hyper-focused on one path.

Which brings me to...

There is no one path.

Every presenter in Knoxville had a different story. There were only three common factors between them: they worked hard, they were open to opportunities, and they loved skating. Outside of that, every single one was wildly different.

I've never been 'normal' a single day in my life. I was homeschooled K-12 in a conservative church of Christ home where we had horses instead of dogs and should chickens through 4-H instead of selling girl scout cookies. Never in my life have I taken the busy road, so why would I start now? Rather than worrying about the things I feel I should have done, I'm focusing on actively doing great things now. I'm excited for my path to be different.

I have not even come close to trying. Not yet.

And I mean that in the most positive way possible.

My initial reaction coming home from Knoxville was, "WHAaaaaatTTTT will I do nooooowwww?! I'm done! Done! Unwanted! Washed up! I will never make it! I tried. Yes, I tried this one singular time, and that's it! They did not want me! They will never want me! I missed my shot."

I don't care what your goal is, but at 19, that monologue will never (ever) be accurate.

There is so much more room for me. So much more room for me to grow, mature, put things out there, and chase other opportunities. I have not even scratched the surface on chasing this goal, which means I have amazing options in front of me, and that is very exciting.

I was on the ice for three and a half blissful hours yesterday. My senior moves are on the brink of peaking again for my test in two weeks. I landed five double salchows after a horrible few weeks of not landing any, and I was *this* close to landing a double toe-loop. Yesterday was such a fantastic day, and I'm still beaming about it.

I have control of my life. Often, I freak out and fully believe I don't. But I'm getting better at stopping when that happens, figuratively poking me ribs, and saying: No. You are in control of the choices you are making, and you have the power to keep making choices that bring you towards your goals.

And isn't that an amazing thing to be grateful for?

Happy Thursday! xoxo

PS-Here's the video from the audition if you're interested! Music is Lady by Regina Spektor.

Knoxville, Part 1

Photo Cred: The Ice Chalet

Doubt is a killer.

For months now, I've been living with a tireless pit in the bottom of my stomach. It flares up when I've had a bad practice. It flares up when I'm at my part-time retail job, so far removed from what I really want.

Being a show skater has been my end goal for years. It is a very integral part of what I hope is a lifelong career in skating. But as a 19 year-old, almost a year out of high school, I've been feeling so much pressure to really get it going. 

Now granted, most of that pressure is coming from me. I'm the one worrying. Comparing. Judging. I'm the one who believes I'm a horrible skater just because I've had a bad practice, or not put together because I've made one clumsy mistake. All this pressure I'm talking about is coming from me, not others. But it is no less anxiety-inducing. 

I have an extreme fear of being stuck. It may seem contradictory, given my love of routines and how uncomfortable I can be with new situations, but I live in fear that I will end up stuck. That a year from now, nothing will be really that different. That I'll miss my opportunities to leave my job, be skilled at my passion, create something new. 

That's what was on my mind on a Saturday afternoon in February. I was excited about skating and was making lists of everything I wanted to do...but I was also giving myself a panic attack over the fact that I might not be able to make all those dreams come true. 

And that's when I stumbled on ProSkaters. And, right on the home page, an advertisement for the 2016 Pro Skater Performance Camp and Live Audition in Knoxville, Tennessee. 

I quickly read through everything. Held in March, it's a weekend camp focused on educating aspiring show skaters with on and off ice classes. It culminates in a show with group numbers you learn over the weekend, and a chance to audition a solo. The best part? Casters from major ice shows sit in the front row the entire time. A fun-filled weekend put on by top choreographers, it has a high success rate and many skaters have been cast after being spotted there.

I showed it to my mom. And in the matter of an afternoon, just three weeks before the event, we decided I had to go. 

And I am so glad I did. Doubt is a killer. It's debilitating. And I have spent far too much time worrying about whether or not I'm good enough, instead of simply putting myself out there and finding out. 

I don't believe I'll be getting any offers this go-around. We had the opportunity to speak to all the casters after the auditions, and I have to admit, I was scared. In my 4-H days, I spoke in front of crowds, led groups, and was interviewed constantly. But now, I'm supposed to be an adult going for a real job and unlike my 4-H self, I'm not completely confident in my ability to nail it. And that shows.

And, as I've learned, comes back to haunt me. I'm not overly proud of the first impression I made. I didn't feel put-together, or confident, or strong. My routine was clean, but the performance was sorely lacking. I was nervous and didn't put my best foot forward.

Doubt is a killer. It got to me this weekend, and my skills--my work--suffered because of it. 

I am not allowing that again.

It is the human condition to have insecurities, to sell ourselves short. It's something I've personally dealt with on a seemingly daily basis since Freshman year. I've made a lot of progress towards having confidence in myself, but I definitely take steps back sometimes. Skating, unfortunately, always seems to bring up the worst insecurities. 

I took so much away from this weekend. I learned on ice techniques, some great choreography, what I have to work on, and tips for getting a contract. But I was also made aware about parts of myself I haven't had to deal with before. On the ride home, I made a long list of skating moves I want to learn or improve on. But I think I'll be making a second list of mental shifts to make as well. 

Like to stop feeling so down about this 'rejection', because it was my first time trying. And to stop feeling like I'm running out of time, because no 19 year old can possibly have tried hard enough yet. To spend less time worrying about what others will be wearing/eating/doing, and simply be myself. To realize that no one will think you're silly for trying to sell yourself. To realize that you're trying to be a show skater, and silly is allowed (duh!). To be more present and focused and learning in the moment instead of always running a few steps ahead (or behind!). And to take more deep breaths, and walk up and start talking to more people.

I'll admit, doubt got the better of me this past weekend. I let it control me and it cost me the ability of  making a good first impression. But while doubt may reside in the back of mind for awhile, I no longer have to listen, and certainly not give in to it. I am in control of my life. My choices. And to a large degree, my feelings. I, no outside force, decides if I'm stuck or not. And I am decidedly not. 

Thanks for reading! xoxo

PS-Check back in on Sunday for Knoxville, Part 2 where I share more details on what I learned, who I met, and my program! 

Just A Reminder

Just a reminder that...

You're the one in control of your life. YOU.

No one is going to work as hard for you, as you.

If you're off-balance with yourself, everything around you will start to explode.

Everyone's journey is different, and you'll appreciate yours in the end.

All you can do is focus on doing the best you can every single day, taking small steps, and making progress. Don't chase perfection.

You need to know yourself enough to to give yourself what you need to feel less stressed and do better work.

The only way to 'make it' is to show up for your thing at every. Single. Opportunity. Show up every time you can.

No one ever achieved anything by feeling sorry for themselves and sitting on their couch. Get up. Do the work. Smile. And imagine the best for yourself once and a while.

Unofficial blogging break has officially ended. You're welcome.

Happy Thursday! xoxo

Some Super Advice

I've just started listening to This American Life. I know, late to the party, as usual. But I'm seriously in love with the short-story concept. My favorite episode so far is How To Win Friends and Influence People, and my favorite part within that is "People Like You if You Put A Lot of Time Into Your Appearance."

In it, Luke Burbank tells the story of a man he met on a plane. The interesting part, is that the man was wearing a superman costume.

But he doesn't just wear it on the plane. Luke stays in contact with Superman, and eventually spends the day interviewing him. Superman's wife died at a young age--and since then, he had simply decided that life is too short to be boring and mediocre. He wanted to do something special, something with meaning, something unusual.

So he took his love for superheroes and starting sewing his own costumes. He wears Superman in the summer, and Batman in the winter. After work, he'll go out for the day all dressed up, hanging out in public places and talking to anyone who's interested.

What the hell? Is probably the first question that comes to mind. But actually, his 'why' is pretty simple.

It makes people happy. The way he sees it, if someone is pumping gas and Superman pulls up at the next pump, you've just made their day. They have something to talk about. A funny story to tell. And can anything bad really happen on a day you say hi to Superman?

We live so much of our lives chasing arbitrary shoulds and check-points. We all complain about how society wants to trap us in boxes, yet we still beat ourselves up when our lifepath doesn't look like Jane Jones' or the most recent "25 Things To Do Before 25" list. Even worse, we're still so quick to judge others when they start challenging how 'it's supposed to work'.

So just as a reminder: these lives are ours, and we create them every day through the choices we make. We are never done. We are never stuck. We have tremendous (usually untapped) power within us to stand out, make a difference, be happy. And so long as we're not hurting anybody, there's no real reason to avoid the crazy thing written on our heart. Just go do it.

A grown man walking around his small town in a Superman suit is pretty crazy. But dedicating your life to making strangers smile is pretty genius.

Happy Thursday! xoxo

January Book Report

source

I don't remember if I've specifically shared it on the blog or not, but one of my goals for 2016 is to read every single day, even if it's just a page (here's an Instagram of the goal tracker I made!). I started counting on the 28th of December, and now three weeks later, I've only missed 6 days. Definitely room for improvement, but so, so much better than I was doing last year.

I'm already almost done with my third book of the year, which is a big deal to me, since I only read 11 books in all of 2015! I'm loving this boost and want to try really hard to keep it up.

First off, I finished He Loves Forever by Thomas Olbricht. The book's about the love of God in the Old Testament, challenging the mainstream thought that the God of the OT is angry and overbearing, whereas the God of the New Testament is loving and carefree (spoiler alert: it was the same God the whole time!). Our family's known Tom through the church since before I was born, and he gave me a copy of this book after our VBS in 2014. I loved the book, and found his writing comforting and hopeful. The very best part to me, though, was hearing Tom's voice on every page. He writes just like he talks, and I loved every minute of it.

At the same time, I finished The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley on audio. I loved it! It filled the void that can only be filled by a totally British mystery told by a brilliant, 11 year-old chemist. It was funny and quirky but still very well written. I'm going to try the second in the series as a print book to see if I prefer it on audio or a 'real book' better.

I'm almost done with Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell. Once I get going I have a really hard time putting this book down, but in the beginning I almost had to abandon it! Gladwell looks at the outlying situations that end up making someone successful, and in the beginning, it felt so hopeless that I was leaving it really depressed. Luckily I stuck with it, though, and the rest has been more than inspiring! I think Gladwell glosses over the importance of actively choosing to take advantage of your unique situation a little too much, but still it's a very interesting read. The chapter on geniuses was fascinating and almost eerie.

I just bought I Like People, Too: A Field Guide for Introverts by Lindsey Kubly as an ebook. It's much shorter than I thought it was (only 42 pages!) so I'm planning on reading it on my phone at work over the weekend. I've heard nothing but good things about her tips in this book, and seeing another big goal for me right now is being more social and building better relationships, I'm excited! I'll probably use it as my 'book you could read in a day' for the MMD Reading Challenge.

Looking ahead to what I want to read after Outliers and I Like People, Too: my first thought was Jane Austen's Emma, as it's been awhile since I read a good classic and I would love to get through more of Austen's books this year. Another heftier book I'd love to get into is Kate Morton's The Secret Keeper. I actually attempted listening that to audio on CD two or three years ago, and while I loved the story, I just couldn't listen fast enough and had to abandon it. I'm thinking I should pick it up at some point in February and do it justice!

On the other side of the coin, I might do something fluffy: the third Blackbird Sisters Mystery, Some Like It Lethal by Nancy Martin, or finally finishing another audio I eventually abandoned, Austenland by Shannon Hale. I should also finally finish reading yet another book that's been languishing half-read since 2013, The FitzOsbornes in Exile by Michelle Cooper. That one's actually the second out of three books, but I didn't know it was a series when I started, so I read through it #3, #1, then #2.

Strategic as I might like to be, I'm really just enjoying the extra reading I've gotten done! I'm refraining from making any specific goals of which titles I have to read, and simply going with what I most want to read in the moment. It's been such a release for me lately, and I look forward to that goal tracker being much more full in the future!

Happy Thursday! xoxo

PS-I track all my reading on goodreads and would love to see you there! I also sometimes share book thoughts on Instagram and tumblr!

14 Things For The 14th

01: I LANDED MY DOUBLE SALCHOW! Yesterday. We didn't get the first one on video but we got the second one! I landed about 5 or so after that. So an exciting day! I'm chomping at the bit to get back on the ice and practice them again. Friday come sooner! I want to write a much more in-depth post about double-salchows, but for now here's a preview from Instagram:

LANDED my double salchow today! Literally my first thought in the split second between landing it and turning to my coach was "oh! That's how you do it!" 😂 #figureskating #doublesalchow #sohappyourehere

A video posted by Gillian (@gmrobidas) on Jan 13, 2016 at 2:37pm PST

02: Speaking of, I got an Instagram! I've loved Instagram for awhile and mercilessly stalked bloggers on it, but I didn't have a smartphone so I couldn't have my own account. I got an iphone 5s for Christmas, though, and the very first app I got was Instagram! Definitely jump over there and follow me!

03: I know I'm super late to this party but Elise's small business story is well written, addicting, and a great series for those of us who often forget that there's not set path.

04: I'm in love with my phone. Seriously though. I feel like I should be ashamed to admit that but I'm just not. Right now some favorites are being able to easily send photos/videos, Instagram (duh), budgeting apps (through Every Dollar), constant access to email, and listening to audiobooks and podcasts.

05: I am loving the fact that it's only January 14th and I'm already working through my 3rd book for the year. That's quite a feat considering I only read 11 books in all of 2015! The extra time is coming from just a page or two everyday as part of my daily reading goal I mentioned here, and being able to listen to audiobooks easily!

06: I've been working on getting up early again and while I hate it in the moment, I love it the rest of the morning. Before the holidays I was up at 6:45 perfectly everyday and now I'm going for 6:30 and might go as far as 6. I'm in love with being able to have a slower (but productive) morning routine.

07: Last week I had a really bad asthma cough, and it got to the point where I couldn't talk without talking. My side also hurt a ton from coughing, but not just an ache, actually pain. So Saturday after skating and coaching I went to the urgent care. They gave me a new inhaler but didn't seem concerned about the pain at my rib cage...but I totally think I either bruised it from coughing so much, or cracked it, because it just hurts too much.

08: I'm dreaming of soup again. I should learn to cook.

09: I'm back to obsessive clutter attacking. I want to focus on consciously taking care of myself in 2016 (fluffy as that sounds), and I've become really in tune with how much my stuff being sprawled everywhere puts me in a bad mood. So I need to stop!

10: Does anyone use Periscope? I'm intrigued and want to try.

11: Coaching on an outdoor rink is a ridiculously beautiful experience. There's fresh air, sunlight, and it just feels magical. It's also miserably cold and will have you in tears if it starts to rain, but seriously. It's an experience I'm very grateful for.

12: Every day I realize how blessed I am to have my family (for the most part) close by. Especially grateful for my grandparents on my dad's side moving down this summer, so I can see them every weekend!

13:This guy has created a video game called Level Up Your Life where you essentially break your life goals into levels, and can earn points for working towards them! It's pretty cool. Learned about it from the College Info Geek podcast which I just re-discovered and can't wait to find out more.

14:Putting a lot of trust in gut feelings and doing what's on your heart. If something keeps coming back, and just won't leave your mind alone, maybe you should stop ignoring it.

Happy Thursday! xoxo

2016 Will Be Quite A Year

See also: 2015 Was Quite A Year.

Happy New Year, my friends! I don't know about you, but I am very excited to put 2015 behind us and move on to a bright, beautifully blank-page 2016.

I'm really into resolutions. 3-month plans. January 1sts, Monday mornings, fresh starts. I love all of that. This year, I'm taking two very different (and seemingly hypocritical) approaches to goal setting and I am so excited about it.

First, I'm getting REALLY persnickety and focused. This part of my goal setting speaks to the Type A perfectionist that hides away inside of me. I'm letting her out by:

-Coming up with a short list of big goals for year, which I've displayed on sticky notes on my motivation wall.

-Building a budget and making real saving goals.

-Committing to two daily habits I aim to do everyday in 2016: practice a yoga headstand every day (because headstands) and read every day. I made colorful daily goal trackers and everything!

-Writing a 3-month plan that gets broken into goals for each month and objectives for each week.

-Focusing on creating a rhythm and work flow that is not only productive but happiness and inspiration inducing.

But secondly, I'm also coming at 2016 with more relaxed intentions and mantras for the year. These objectives are just as important to me as my clearly-defined ones, and often, make the clearly defined ones possible.

-Getting better at unwinding. As in hanging out with friends more, knitting, and reading.

-Showing up every single day. Not waiting for inspiration, chasing my dreams now!

-Finding joy and actively pursing joy. I love the work I'm trying to do, but lately I've been very frustrated with my personal skating. A huge goal for me in 2016 is to get back to joy, love of the sport, and love of the art and always keeping that in the forefront. So I'm working on checking in with myself more, focusing less on 'better' girls out on the ice, and not getting down on myself.

-Refusing to be walked on. I don't want to rehash 2015 again, but a huge theme from last year was feeling pushed around and stepped on. In 2016 I'm going after what I want and not putting up with crap.

I love the concept of choosing a word to guide you through the year. It may sound silly, but for 2016, I want my word to be stubborn.

Stubborn as in refusing to give up on dreams.

Stubborn as in digging my heels deeper when the risk of failing seems to get bigger.

Stubborn as in refusing to be put down...

And stubborn as in going after what I want even when others don't believe in it.

2016 is going to be quite a year. I can feel it.