Grateful for in 2020

Way back in November of 2015, I wrote a pretty standard holiday blog post about what I was grateful for. This week I re-read it, and marveled at how different life is now, five years later. In my head, 2015 still doesn't seem like that long ago, but five years is more than a fifth of my life. A lot has been packed into those five years! 

For context: Thanksgiving of 2015, I had just graduated high school that spring. I was still working at Market Basket. I was only in my second season of skating with TOI Boston. I was single, and living at home. 

Today, I'm living in an apartment with my boyfriend. We have a dog. I'm in college, and working fulltime through two jobs. A large portion of my work is self-employed. I'm skating professionally. 

On Thanksgiving Day 2015, I wrote: "2015 was the year of the unexpected. It held so much heart ache, and so many achieved goals. I'd say I grew up more this year than I ever have before. I've been doing a lot of thinking to what was going on in my head this time last year, and it seems both just yesterday and a million years ago. For a lot of reasons, I'd say I'm not even the same girl."

Replace 2015 with 2020, and insert a (slightly) less dramatic attitude, and I could have written that paragraph today. This year has held a lot of hard decisions and heartache for most of us, but it's also given me the opportunity to chase some goals that I might not have otherwise. I feel like I have grown up a lot this year, and truly embarked on my adulthood in a way that 18 year-old Gillian certainly hadn't. I am for sure the same person I have always been. But I do feel more grounded, a little older, and a little more capable. 

For Thanksgiving 2020, I am thankful for:

My work, which is finally starting to feel like a "career" and not just a "job."

The fact that coaching is now the vast majority of my income. 

The other local coaches that do so much to encourage, support, and teach me. 

Youtube yoga videos. 

Renewed energy towards skating, and making time to focus on my growth as a skater again. 

Getting to perform in a Christmas show locally. 

Learning more about choreography and stretching my creativity with American Ice Theater's MCT course. 

My (much more reliable than in 2015) car. 

Houseplants, and my patio veggie garden this summer. 

Our cozy little apartment, it's great natural light, and our quick walks to downtown. 

The cozy sweatpants I've been living in lately. 

The Creative Bug subscription I just found I get for FREE through our library!

A puppy I've grown to love way more than I thought I would. 

M planner. 

My Airpods. 

Audiobooks. 

Building new friendships, and stronger friendships. 

Coffee, and seltzer water. 

Chris, and the adventurous yet grounded life he gives me. 

The hard work of navigating new family dynamics. 

Challenging myself to critically think about what I believe, and what I support. 

A holiday season spent at home!!

Show opportunities coming up. 

Therapy. 

Good books. 

This year is different. We ended up driving down to New Jersey to be with Chris' parents for the holiday (limiting exposure before, and no indoor stops on the way down, of course). I hope you've all found safe and cozy ways to celebrate. "These are the days" has been echoing in my head lately, and I'm trying to be conscientious about soaking up the remainder of the year, instead of wishing it away. All we have is today. 

Happy Thanksgiving! xoxo. 

A Saturday

 

Yesterday was one of those unremarkable days that was just perfect. Nothing crazy happened, I still did homework and worked a little, but the whole day felt calm, productive, relaxed, and like there was time for everything. 

I got up at 6:30am, let Bear out of his crate, made coffee, and settled in at the kitchen table. I cracked open my laptop, and got through some admin stuff for work I hadn't done on Friday. Then, I checked off a few last minute homework items so I wouldn't have to think about them for the rest of the day. 

Somewhere in the middle of that, Chris got out of bed and started making breakfast. Chris making a fancy breakfast on the weekends has become a sort of quarantine-tradition, and I absolutely love it. He made scrambled egg, cheese, and bacon biscuit sandwiches that were heavenly. We've discovered that the Trader Joe's canned biscuits are the best ones. 

Around 9am, I made myself a cup of post-coffee tea and jumped into the shower. Within the last year, I've become the type of person that never showers without a drink...be it wine, beer, coffee, or seltzer. I always have something propped on the edge of the tub. It's become such a habit that I don't just bring whatever drink I have in with me, I specifically start making one to take into the shower. It's a habit I love. 

After a hot shower, I wrapped my hair in a bun and left for the rink at 9:45am. I'm currently only teaching a quick Learn to Skate session on Saturdays, just a half hour away. I was on the ice at 10:30, and done by 11:10. This particular class has some of the sweetest kids. 

On the way home, I took the backroads and listened to Laura Vanderkam's Off The Clock. I devoured this on audio over the past week, and could really feel her thoughts permeating the way I went about daily life. In the book, she talks about how we all really do have time to feel like happy, whole people. It is possible to have a career, workout, have good family relationships, read, and see friends. She als talks about how a lot of our thoughts about how scarce time is, is really just an attitude. She talked about doing memorable things, and being intentional. I think this book is especially relevant right now, as so many of us are navigating completely new schedules and life situations, and finding it easier to feel sorry ourselves, due to covid. It definitely prompted me to breathe more, call friends, and be grateful for everything this week held. 

I got home around 12pm, and changed. Chris took Bear outside for a quick walk and then at 12:30, we headed downtown for lunch. We sat outside, bundled up in hats and coats, at our favorite local brewery. We split a burger and nachos, people watched, and just chatted. Going out for lunch at a brewery on Saturdays has also been a new quarantine habit. It's fun to not be out late, and to feel like we're avoiding the Saturday night crowd that may be less covid-conscious. We make reservations before we go, so it all feels pretty low contact. I love this tradition, and we've vowed to stay outside as much as possible even as it gets colder. 

After lunch, we headed off to a craft fair. It was so fun to stroll through the vendors. We bought an adorable felt Santa, and a set of clothes pin The Office ornaments. I am so excited to decorate the apartment for Christmas! This fair felt like the beginning of really prepping for the holidays. 

We got home a little after 4pm. Chris took Bear out again (he is totally becoming the primary puppy parent, and I'm so grateful for that). I reviewed some choreography I'm learning for a Christmas show, and cleared some laundry off the floor. After eating a small bowl of soup, I left the house at 6pm. To drive to The Skating Club of Boston, about an hour and a half away, for a rehearsal for that Christmas show. It's a free community show in Boston with Joy Skate Productions, and it's been so much fun to be putting together. On the way, I ended up finishing Off The Clock. The rehearsal was so fun with the rest of the cast, and I started driving home around 9pm. I got home at 10:30, snuggled with Bear, took him for his last walk, and watched some TV with Chris. before heading to bed. 

This Saturday held so many unrushed parts: a fun coaching day, checking homework off my list, going to a craft fair, getting quality time at lunch, and getting to skate with a really inspiring group of peers. It was the rejuvenating mix I needed this weekend. I'm relishing not working all day on Saturdays this season, and preserving pockets of time on the weekend for fun, for work, and for chores. More days like this, please. 

Living in November 2020

It is November 9, 2020, and we are here! Here and just...doing. Today, I am feeling bedraggled, overwhelmed, grateful, hopeful, sad, and relieved. I have hit a weird point in this covid era where I feel so skeptical of every plan being made, that I'm not even surprised when things change last minute. Frustrated, yes, but not surprised. 

This fall, though, is making me feel a little more grounded and invigorated. I want to round out this season, and year, by working hard to be a better friend, girlfriend, coach, dog mom, caregiver, community member, and relative. Additionally though, I'm working hard to be a better parent to myself. To embrace self-care not in a bubble bath way, but with the intention to actually spur myself on to healthier habits. I'm ready to put in the work. 

3 Things From Last Month

COVID Scare: In early October, I got word that two of my private skating students tested positive for COVID. They and their families are fine, for the most part didn't have symptoms, and are ready to go! Once I found out, I canceled everything for the week and Chris and I got tested. Everything is fine, but it was a little scary and stressful and came at the same time as lots of other big news. In a way, though, it was good. It was good to be forced to get a test, and understand what that entailed. Since then I've had to get another test for work, and we're planning to get some over the holidays so that we can travel and see family. I'm happy I know what to expect. 

A new job: In October I started a new job! I'm working as a Direct Support Professional for One Sky Community Services. I am paired with a disabled adult, and support him as we go out into the community, clean his apartment, volunteer, and exercise. It's very similar to being a para (which I loved!), just without the academic side. We are having a ton of fun! And it's been fun to think of different things to do and go see, especially with keeping COVID in mind. 

Skating: Before all NH and MA ice rinks shut down at the very end of October, I was having a blast getting back to skating. I had a jumps lesson with my old coach, and started partnering during my ice dance lessons. After almost two years of training to maintain instead of training to grow, it feels really good to be pushing myself again and setting some goals. Rinks are opening back up now and I'm SO READY to get back to skating (and teaching). 

3 Things From Right Now

A show!: After deciding not to travel for ice shows this holiday season, because of how precarious everything is, I'm really excited to be part of a show in the Boston area. I'm skating in Joy Skate Productions Kendall Ice Show, and have been having a BLAST learning all the choreography. The show is upbeat and happy and fun, and free to the public. Working on a show with people is making my heart sing. 

Election: I know: duh. Biden has it! And like, wow, what a relief. I am excited, especially, for Kamala Harris to be our VP. This election, Chris and I both sat down with sample ballots and googled everyone on them. For every seat, from president all the way down to local county offices, we made an intentional choice. We were excited to jump around the ballot, and not vote straight down the line for either party. We were also excited to vote for some more diverse opinions in NH legislature: more women, LGBT individuals, and individuals with disabilities. We got so much satisfaction from it, and will be doing it at every election moving forward. 

Joy The Baker: Here's something a little lighter for you. The infamous Joy the Baker wrote a holiday magazine!! I went to Barnes and Noble this weekend and bought a copy right away. It is joyful, comforting, and makes me feel all kind of festive. I've been slowly flipping through it all week and reading the recipes like their pages of a novel. I am extremely excited to start making things from it, and pie may be in my future this weekend. 

3 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

Thanksgiving, and the holidays in general: This year, we're planning to go to New Jersey to be with Chris' family for Thanksgiving. In general, I am incredibly excited for Christmas shopping, seeing family, baking lots of good food, and decorating the apartment. While I still feel pangs that I'm not doing Sea World's Christmas show this year, I'm incredibly excited to make the most of it while I'm home and be really festive, with a full kitchen to help!

Working out again: This one is laughable because I'm largely *not* but, after virtually giving up on working out since June, I'm attempting to start up again. I'm starting to feel extremely out of shape at skating and that's just miserable. Currently, I'm trying to skate 2-3x per week (but more often than not, it's 1x), run a little, do Youtube Barre videos, and complete Yoga with Adrienne's November playlist with my friend. 

Possible New Apartments: I am extremely happy where we are. But we looked at a bigger apartment this week and if we get accepted, I'll be very happy with that too. It's close to where we already live, cute and historic, has access to a fenced in yard, and extra room for us to have a workspace that isn't the living room or the kitchen. 

Happy Monday, everyone. What is this November like for you?

changing & questioning

How much can I coach? Where will I coach?

Will I skate in shows this year? Next year?

Do I want to be skating in shows this year? With everything going on?

Do I need another job?

Do I need multiple other jobs?

Should I go back to this old job, but make it better?

Should we move?

Will Chris be working from home FOREVER?

If he is, should we make a big move?

Is all the discomfort at church a sign that people need to change? Or that I need to change?

If I think differently than I did a few years ago, have I sold out? Or grown?

What do I do, now that I have no close friends in the area that I grew up in?

Now that I have the option to return to certain things, isn't it mean if I want to stop?

What if "getting back to normal life" fills me with a lot of dread?

These questions have been pounding around my head, in varying degrees and forms, since June. I don't have answers to any of them, but with fall right around the corner I'm feeling the pressure to.

 

Pre-covid, 2020 already held a lot of changes: moving in with Chris. Setting big goals together for the next few years. Coaching as my primary source of income. Knowing that the current pace I was working was not sustainable, and had to change.

During, but not directly because of, covid, has also held a lot of changes: I'm starting school this fall! We have a dog. I'm going to therapy. My closest friends are not local to me anymore. I'm questioning how I fit inside the church. 

To me, these changes and questions are all inextricable from each other. It feels like I can't answer one, without answering them all. I have been holding back from moving anything but the absolute bare minimum of work forward, for fear of pursuing the wrong thing too much, and trapping myself. 

I have busied myself writing out "dream schedules" on slips of scrap paper at work. Mystical, ridiculous schedules and dream lives, where I magically am an established coach at multiple rinks, I have plenty of time and money for school, working only a few hours a week at a second job is more than enough, and I can easily incorporate lots of time with my new, close friends. None of these fantasies are based in reality right now. And while I love making lists and dreaming of the future, doing this while I'm incapable of making even one decision about what the next few weeks should hold, doesn't seem healthy. 

Though I try to fool myself, most of these questions aren't about schedules and numbers. They're about saying yes to new things in the face of uncertainty, and saying goodbye to things I used to love. They're about taking risks and moving on. About opening myself up to making, potentially, very wrong decisions, or not seeing anything come from ideas I've floated out into the world. I am very afraid of regretting things in my future, and I know I tend to avoid it by changing as little of my present as possible.

We have seasons of life that are pretty neutral, and then seasons of life that are very transitional. I hate the transition. I hate the gray area. I keep finding myself thinking back on 2-3 years ago, when my life was extremely fulfilling and full of new experiences, but overall, didn't hold a lot of big changes.Conversely, I keep imagining 5 years in the future: this is behind us. I've booked a yoga retreat in another country with a close friend. I might be married, or at least, a lot more settled into living with Chris. I'm seamlessly managing coaching and school and working on new project that I'm excited about. I feel grounded, and confident. 

While being stressed about all the changes with work and routines is real, I also know that most of this is just me being scared to change, even in the face of desiring that change. I want closer friendships. I don't want the awkwardness of making new friends. I want to coach more. I don't want the risk of not having another job. I want large chunks of time for school and projects. I don't want the income drop. I want less anxiety in my day-to-day life. I don't want to admit that I can't do everything. 

I am not who I was 3 years ago, and I am not who I will be in 5 years. I may not love these transitions, but fighting through them is what gives us those yes! I feel good right now moments. Regardless of what work does or doesn't happen, regardless of what friends I do or don't make, regardless of any timeline I end up on, I can keep moving forward. 

I can make the first friend move.

I can pitch new coaching ideas. 

I can apply for jobs in and out of shows. 

I can block of time for school, 

for long walks,

for yoga,

for reading,

for going out,

for new projects, 

for sitting and doing nothing. 

I can actually do the exercises that help me feel less anxious.

I can keep throwing things at the wall, seeing what sticks, re-thinking, and keep making changes. 

While a global shutdown has made all of this seem more desperate and acute, a part of me thinks I would have ended up in this space, anyways. This is a season of change. Of questioning what I want, and what I think, so that I can be a better and truer me in the next season. Growing pains are tough. But this season holds a lot of hope, too. 

15 Joys of Right Now

I am extremely excited for August. There is so much good, exciting, long-term goal stuff that is coming this fall, and I am so ready for it. But with that also comes lots of change, a lot of decisions, and a lot of new territory. Even pre-covid, 2020 began as a year earmarked for lots of personal changes. Adding that to all the uncertainty covid has brought, and some big mental shifts I've been needing to make, hasn't been the easiest. 

But while I've thrown myself a few pity parties over the last two weeks (and let's be honest, the last two days as well), I also feel so excited for everything that is coming. I am working on staying present, and staying positive, so here are 15 joyful things that are happening right now.

01: Drinking sparkling water with fresh lemon. Some ice, a fresh wedge of lemon, and some seltzer in a mason jar has been my go-to refresher lately. It feels way more luxurious than it should. Once when I was feeling really fancy, I even added fresh thyme! And that was magical. 

02: Bear's new interest in playing. I still need to write the long-awaited post dedicated to our German Shepherd puppy, Bear, but for now I'll keep it to this: He's currently 6 months old (and 60 pounds!), and has just started selecting the toy he wants and bringing it to you to play with him. If you ignore him, he'll just keep putting his toy in your lap until you start playing with him. It is so endearing.

03: Quiet, peaceful, no-pressure Sunday afternoons. The last few weeks, our Sundays have been fairly busy with adventurous, outdoorsy stuff, like kayaking. The secondary benefit to this, is that in the afternoon, we (and Bear!) are already tired and ready to zone out. This has led to lots of snuggling up in bed, with a book or a movie or just to scroll through photos with some water and a snack. Nothing beats that sleepy Sunday feeling.

04: After a year of being on the waiting list, I am finally starting the Master Choreography Techniques certification with American Ice Theater this fall! This course is a semester long, with monthly meetings, readings, and homework, like creating pieces of choreography to discuss. I just got my book today, and am so pumped.

05: New hanging plants. A few Sundays ago, I went off to a local greenhouse and bought a few more houseplants. We now have a beautiful lipstick plant hanging in the living room window, and it just makes me love this space even more. 

06: Creating working space. Speaking of space, we've been re-thinking our apartment setup. Our space is small ( one bedroom, attic apartment), and now with two adults and a dog who are home and attempting to be productive at home more than we used to, we're having to rethink a few things. But, setting up private spaces that allow both Chris and I to work has been really fun. 

07: Bagels. It has been FOREVER since I'd had a bagel, and the other week, I happened to get one for lunch. It was a cinnamon crunch bagel, with honey walnut cream cheese, from Panera, and it made my entire day. I now can't get bagels out of my head, and we're planning to go out and get some for breakfast tomorrow morning.

08: Yoga with Adrienne INQUIRE. I love YWA forever and always, but her theme this month of "inquire" is just so good. I am working hard (and failing, but trying and trying) to get better at a daily practice, and this August playlist is really giving me what I need. Highly recommend.

09: Automatic savings accounts. I recently did a savings overhaul, and created a few new accounts to better help accomplish my current goals. Spending the morning creating those accounts and then setting up the automatic transfers gave me SO MUCH JOY! Life will look very different in five years, I think, and this is helping me get there!

10: Gnocchi, greens, & sausage. My favorite go-to meal that has come from quarantine has been: any kind of freezer gnocchi, scrambled sausage, and broccoli rabe (or any other bitter greens), all mixed together, with cheese. It is quick and doesn't really require planning, with a cheesy comfort factor. 

11: Nuanced people. This isn't the moment to go into crazy amounts of detail, but lately there has been a lot of conversation, in my community, about decisions I've made. This can feel hurtful, at times, and emotionally draining, always. The people who have been helping the most are the people around me who are able to have kind, nuanced conversations, and don't spend much time dwelling in the black and white "facts." I appreciate them.

12: Orange Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies. Another quarantine discovery. Now I don't even want to make normal cookies.

13: Our bedroom. I LOVE this room. I am so happy I painted it blue. That I got the new blanket for the bed. That I bought new plants. It's a beautiful, cooling, calming space.

14: WATER!! Lately, I have been so attracted to the water. I crave seeing the ocean and swimming and even just wading. I've taken Bear to boat launches in the early mornings so he can cool off, have packed up solo dinners to eat at the beach, and have been researching local swimming holes. I just can't get swimming off my brain. 

15: Following lots of great voices for mental health. Lately, I've been doing a lot of reading, podcast listening, and Instagram scrolling through voices of psychologists and therapists. I've found so many recent insights extremely helpful, and it gives me hope to keep moving forward.

Of course, there is more. There is always, always more. And I need to do better at reminding myself of that.

Even though 2020 can feel like a mess for so many of us, it’s extremely lucky and privileged to be “frustrated” by it and not broken by it.This is life. The ups, the downs, the re-calibrations, and the ability to look at what’s in front of us and choose the best path forward, even while wishing for different choices.

I am excited to enter August. I am grateful the new phase of life this year feels like. While we press forward, here's to staying grounded in the joys of right now, too.

But where do we go from here?

Today is the 4th of July, and here in New Hampshire, things are starting to open back up. We can dine in restaurants (even inside, sometimes). More shops are open. I went back to skating and coaching a few weeks ago. Small gatherings with friends and family are happening, and with a lot less taboo around them.

I am so happy to be back to work. I feel significantly more like myself than I did throughout March, April, and most of May. When everything shut down, not seeing my students and getting to hear the little snippets of their lives was one of the biggest voids I noticed. Being back with them a few days a week is incredible. I've also gone back to Market Basket (a NH and MA only grocery store), although a different store than I used to work at. While I didn't want to go back, and don't love it, it does feel so good to be out of the house and out of my own head and just getting something done. I've been working a lot of longer shifts lately, and it honestly feels so good to feel tired again! It's fun to get back home and be excited to take your shoes off, relax, and have a glass of wine.  I really missed that.

But! But. COVID is so not over. I have been getting so frustrated at the people who are acting like it's all over. It's not. Read any study, and they'll all tell you that there's a super high chance of us surging again in the fall/winter, and having to go into lock-down again. Rates in NH have continued to drop, but in other nearby states, they haven't! So, no, I don't want to act like it's over.  People around me are starting to plan and put dates on the calendar again and, honestly, I just don't want to.

I have gotten a little comfortable in our little cocoon of an apartment. I love being at work, but I'm finding myself being really resistant to doing much else. Quarantine wasn't easy on me, and loosing literally everything I had been doing for work or fun had me crawling up the walls. But, once I found a rhythm, I grew to kind of like being home. Hanging out with Bear. Making dinner. Re-decorating. Reading. Doing yoga. Going for walks. I felt like I was buried and hiding out from the world. My circle got really small, but I've kind of liked it. At the best, I feel a little hesitant to return too quickly to normal life. At worst, I feel scared to.

I find myself constantly repeating in my head, but what now? Where do we go from here? 

our boy is growing up!

COVID is not over, and I personally want to be stricter with precautions than our state is requiring (and many people are doing). But what does that actually mean? Yes or no to family get-togethers? What kinds of friend meet ups are okay, and which aren't? Go to church? Wear masks at church? Go out for a drink? Don't hold my student's hands (honestly, really hard to actually do when you're teaching skating)? Hold their hands with gloves? I feel the need to have our own list of household rules, but I don't even know where to start.

I want to return to work, see how much I can build coaching back up, and get another job other than MB. But is going into Massachusetts so often irresponsible? How many hours am I even looking for in another job, since I can't predict coaching? Is full time too much? Is part time not enough?

I feel pressure to make a thousand little decisions right now, and I am overwhelmed by it. Even before March, I knew that this summer and fall would be different for me. Work was shifting. I was coaching a lot. The skate shop I was working at almost 4 days a week was moving further south, and I couldn't deal with what was already a long commute getting longer. I wanted to go back to school. My mental state and relationships were suffering, and I knew I needed to make some changes to do any of this sustainably. To make enough money, progress a career, go to school, and have a balanced life was going to require lots of changes. I wasn't sure how to do them, but I was confident that I could get there.

Now, though. I have no idea where to start. I feel a pull to make big, bold decisions, and a pull to keep things simple since we still can't plan for anything right now. I don't feel like I have anything to aim for, because a Best Possible Scenario isn't something anybody can guess at right now. I have a thousand questions. Lots of ideas. But no where to start, and literally no where to end. I don't know what I'm shooting for right now.

The irony, of course, is that COVID is just one problem affecting the world right now, and so many people are dealing with so much more. The pressure of COVID has done so much to expose the thousand other pressures people, particularly low-income families and minorities, have to deal with every day. I don't know what direction to turn my own life right now, and I definitely am struggling to find ways to help the world at large as well. There is so much pain. Where can one start to do anything that's meaningful? What now? Where do we go from here?

The one thought that has helped me lately, though, is the comforting notion that this--this complete shit show--is very simply life. It is a messy, scary, un-plannable, unclear, totally new season of our lives. I don't mean that we should take COVID or BLM or anything else going on lightly (we shouldn't). I don't mean that we should attempt to just retreat into what we know (we shouldn't). But, I do mean that our only way through, to figure any of this out, is by living through it. Living through it, listening, thinking, reading, trying, and committing to re-calibrating ourselves every single day. I don't know how to move forward personally, but I do know more than I did in March. And if we surge in the fall, I'll know more then, too. While there is no way to know if things will get better, we can hold on to the fact that we get to choose to keep going, and keep trying.

This Isn't Unemployment, This is Employment FREEDOM!

The day after sharing last week's post about what my days looked like, I got laid off of my remote-work job. It was unexpected. It was sad. It was extremely frustrating. Like many people, so much of my income had already been stripped away, that loosing this felt like loosing my last sliver of independence.

At the beginning of this self-isolation, I was grateful for the slow down. I went from having panic attacks in February after seeing that almost every weekend in April, May, and June, was already full, to seeing cancellation emails rolling in every afternoon. I felt an overwhelming sense of relief as space opened up again and the world seemed to pause. That, and what I thought would be 2 weeks at home to chill and make good food, seemed like a great idea to me. This was the re-set button I had been longing for.

You see, life has felt like train I'm chasing after since September. Last fall I was working 3 jobs, 7 days a week; then I was in Orlando for a show all of November and December; then I was home, moving in with Chris, and working 4 jobs about 6-7 days a week and commuting several hours each day. I had just packed up and headed off to Miami for another skating show when COVID-19 started getting serious (in the US, anyways). I was there for a week when they canceled, and we all scrambled back home.

 I've always gotten a lot of my validation and self-worth from work. I've always worked multiple jobs, and over the last year, I've been lucky enough to do a lot of work that I really, really love, which makes it that much easier to keep piling things on. I've grown in ways I'm incredibly grateful for this year. I've taken leaps in work, and leaps in my life. I've started just asking for the opportunities I want, instead of waiting. There has been so much good stuff. But there has also been A LOT OF STUFF! A lot of change. A lot of fast moving pieces that make me feel like I can't find my footing.

I wanted a re-set. I prayed for a re-set. We are currently 3 weeks in, and have at least a month left, of this quarantine. This still feels like a re-set, but a much less comfortable re-set than I initially had in mind.

Turns out, getting used to not having a schedule is just as hard as getting used to having a hectic schedule. While loosing work has been scary on the financial side, in my day-to-day it feels more unsettling on the emotional side. I don't know how to write lists. I don't know how to structure my day. I don't know what to focus on, or what is "good" relaxing and what is "bad" relaxing (and I realize thinking of relaxing that way is probably part of the problem). I want to be thought of as a smart, hard-working, goal-driven, person that does interesting things and contributes something meaningful to the world around her. But how do you do that if you can't work? And how do you show you're contributing if you're not getting paid, or getting asked to be anywhere?

In a moment of panic-driven positivity, I told Chris: this isn't unemployment! This is employment freedom! And in many ways, maybe that is true. Perhaps the key to getting through this in one piece, mentally, is to stop making it a problem of "finding work". Maybe instead of stressing about money, coming up with new work ideas, and attempting to set myself up for when I can start my regular work again, I should focus on everything but work. I know who I want to be as a person. I want to be purposeful, creative, kind, patient, positive, focused, and fun. If I can't meet those things through working, how can I work to meet them in the rest of my life? What parts of my life have I been ignoring, while I attempt to become everything I want to be solely through work?

Fast forward to this past Saturday. After months of talking about getting a dog, and then talking about puppies, we finally brought one home. His name is Bear, and he's a 9-week old German Shepherd. I am not a dog person, and while I've been excited, I've also been nervous and a little resistant.

We happened to bring him home right before Chris started a string of long Fire Department shifts. Because of that, Bear and I spent Saturday night (his first night) alone, then Sunday night alone, then all day Monday and Monday night. This fact definitely scared me. I have never owned a dog, and honestly don't know the first thing about puppies. I had visions of him howling all night and bothering the landlords. I pictured everything being chewed, him constantly using the bathroom in the house, and generally things being terrible.

While I'm writing this its's mid-day on Monday. The first night was rough but we worked through it-and I definitely slept 4 extra hours after Chris got home and took care of Bear. The second night was SO MUCH BETTER, and the idea that I had a part in making it that way? Fantastic. He's a lot, for sure, but he is also so happy and sweet and funny, and loves us so much after just a few days!

I need to spend some time figuring out unemployment and next steps, and be prepared to jump back in when this lifts. But perhaps there is a lot of value in focusing on the present day right now. Today, what friend can I call? How can I make the house cozier? How can I exercise my body and mind? What can I make? How can I help? What can I do to make sure Bear becomes a great dog? How can I validate myself as the person I want to be, without looking at external things like work to do it?

These times are strange, my friends. I'm extremely grateful that income, puppies, and cabin fever are my problems right now, because I know most of the world has it a lot worse. While definitely not one of my strengths, my aim right now is to focus on creating the future I want, through prioritizing the little things each day. I'm just a little disappointed it took a global pandemic for me to figure that one out.

PS-more puppy stuff coming! More about me worrying about the future and choosing to live the bigger life.

Routines in Quarantine

I don't know why I've never given up this blog. I started it in 2012, for goodness sake. In 2012 I was a sophomore in high school! You'd think that at this point I'd feel like I'd outgrown this space, and during some periods of time, I have. Every time I make a "comeback" to blogging consistently, I think about just starting something new. Throwing all of this out, and creating something fresh. Sometimes I get so far as creating a new website or signing up for a newsletter service, but I never actually write anything for it. I just don't want a new space. I like the idea of years and layers and different seasons and chapters of my life just being dumped here, even it it's sporadic and messy. The messiness is why I choose to follow random, normal people online, instead of glossy celebrities.

So I'm going to keep this mess. And what better time to come back, than a global pandemic!

As I'm writing this, we're closing out Week 2 of self-isolation in the US due to COVID-19. It looks like we'll be in this same sort of situation for at least another month. Like most places in the world, everything is shut down: restaurants are takeout only, all non-essential businesses are closed, and gatherings are limited to less than 10 people.

Like most things, this feels complicated: I'm happy for time at home, and tired of being stuck at home. I'm happy to finally have time to do a few projects, and frustrated that over 3/4 of my work is gone. I'm worried about money, and grateful that I also know I won't starve, or become homeless. I feel useless for being at home while knowing medical professionals are really struggling. I can't wrap my head around the fact that something so challenging, feels so incredibly easy in my day-to-day life.

This entire world is going crazy, people are sick and hurting and broke, and yet I'm here, still getting through work, watching tv, and planning what to make for dinner. We're all still just living hours and days and weeks, and waiting until something happens to change our routines again. Life is absolutely ridiculous, and I don't understand it.

But anyways, right now....

mornings have been cozy & slow. All of my work at the moment is from home, as well as all of the work for Chris' office job. We've been sleeping later than usual, usually getting up around 7:30 and then actually being out of bed by 8. We play the news in the bedroom while we're getting up. We make coffee and eat breakfast together. About half of the time, we watch watch TV with breakfast, too (right now it's always either The Newsroom or Dave).

I've been making really good to-do lists. Not aspirational "today is the day I fix my life" lists, but real, actionable to-do lists. The night before, I've been setting 3 essential things that must happen the next day: at least one is a workout, and the other two are for work. The rest of the day is organized around making sure those three things happen. On top of that, I've been chunking out blocks of hours and being specific from what I expect from each hour. For instance: from 10-1:30, I need to finish that list of cold calls, plan out a week's worth of Instagram posts, and create a list of interview questions. The day seldom actually looks exactly like my list, but it's at least a start, and some way to check in with how productive and focused I'm actually being. Plus, if I completely loose myself along the way, I can just come back to the day's 3 essential things and get them done.

I'm attempting yoga every day, and running every other day. The yoga is sorta happening, but is probably still hovering around 4-5 days a week like the beginning of the year. Running is getting better though! I'm trying to not overthink it and just get out every other day and run. I've never been a fantastic runner, but the times in my life where I've felt the best about it have always been when I was really consistent.

I've been taking my plants on field trips outside.  I planted a container veggie garden this week (no I'm not a doomsday-er....yet), and that's led to me being much better at remembering to water the houseplants, too. Since it's been sunny and warm during the day, I've also been taking them outside to soak up the sun! It's been extremely enjoyable to set them up outside on the porch, and then bring them all in, like I'm calling for pets at the end of the night or something.

we've been making the bed together. I'm a really clean person, but I'm not a neat person. I have to make a really concerted effort to not just throw my clothes around, and leave piles of notes and books and pens on every surface. We've been making a point to make the bed together every single day, and that's definitely been motivating to keep the rest of the house clean, too. Here are some other habits I'd like to work on making second nature right now: sweeping the floor every night, vacuuming at least once a week, not leaving clothes on the floor, and wiping down the bathroom every weekend.

I've been making lots of sourdough. We haven't bought a loaf of bread since late February, and I'm excited to keep that streak going. I've been making a quick, cheater-version of sourdough that I'm really liking, but I'm excited to try the real version soon.

Work Stuff Happening: Lots of zoom meetings for TOI Boston, creating curriculum for running our practices virtually, creating content and running the Instagram for Floquiya.

Listening to: Tedeschi trucks band. It's the only music I can have on in the background while I work, and I love it.
Reading: The Return of the King, The Hobbit (we're reading this together!), and You Are A Badass At Making Money. Just finished Untamed on audio.
Eating: Out of the freezer, and lots of sweet potatoes.

Looking forward to: Watching all my new plant babies grow (hopefully)!

A blog post on essential oils I wrote for Floquiya, and what life looked like this past October.