But where do we go from here?

Today is the 4th of July, and here in New Hampshire, things are starting to open back up. We can dine in restaurants (even inside, sometimes). More shops are open. I went back to skating and coaching a few weeks ago. Small gatherings with friends and family are happening, and with a lot less taboo around them.

I am so happy to be back to work. I feel significantly more like myself than I did throughout March, April, and most of May. When everything shut down, not seeing my students and getting to hear the little snippets of their lives was one of the biggest voids I noticed. Being back with them a few days a week is incredible. I've also gone back to Market Basket (a NH and MA only grocery store), although a different store than I used to work at. While I didn't want to go back, and don't love it, it does feel so good to be out of the house and out of my own head and just getting something done. I've been working a lot of longer shifts lately, and it honestly feels so good to feel tired again! It's fun to get back home and be excited to take your shoes off, relax, and have a glass of wine.  I really missed that.

But! But. COVID is so not over. I have been getting so frustrated at the people who are acting like it's all over. It's not. Read any study, and they'll all tell you that there's a super high chance of us surging again in the fall/winter, and having to go into lock-down again. Rates in NH have continued to drop, but in other nearby states, they haven't! So, no, I don't want to act like it's over.  People around me are starting to plan and put dates on the calendar again and, honestly, I just don't want to.

I have gotten a little comfortable in our little cocoon of an apartment. I love being at work, but I'm finding myself being really resistant to doing much else. Quarantine wasn't easy on me, and loosing literally everything I had been doing for work or fun had me crawling up the walls. But, once I found a rhythm, I grew to kind of like being home. Hanging out with Bear. Making dinner. Re-decorating. Reading. Doing yoga. Going for walks. I felt like I was buried and hiding out from the world. My circle got really small, but I've kind of liked it. At the best, I feel a little hesitant to return too quickly to normal life. At worst, I feel scared to.

I find myself constantly repeating in my head, but what now? Where do we go from here? 

our boy is growing up!

COVID is not over, and I personally want to be stricter with precautions than our state is requiring (and many people are doing). But what does that actually mean? Yes or no to family get-togethers? What kinds of friend meet ups are okay, and which aren't? Go to church? Wear masks at church? Go out for a drink? Don't hold my student's hands (honestly, really hard to actually do when you're teaching skating)? Hold their hands with gloves? I feel the need to have our own list of household rules, but I don't even know where to start.

I want to return to work, see how much I can build coaching back up, and get another job other than MB. But is going into Massachusetts so often irresponsible? How many hours am I even looking for in another job, since I can't predict coaching? Is full time too much? Is part time not enough?

I feel pressure to make a thousand little decisions right now, and I am overwhelmed by it. Even before March, I knew that this summer and fall would be different for me. Work was shifting. I was coaching a lot. The skate shop I was working at almost 4 days a week was moving further south, and I couldn't deal with what was already a long commute getting longer. I wanted to go back to school. My mental state and relationships were suffering, and I knew I needed to make some changes to do any of this sustainably. To make enough money, progress a career, go to school, and have a balanced life was going to require lots of changes. I wasn't sure how to do them, but I was confident that I could get there.

Now, though. I have no idea where to start. I feel a pull to make big, bold decisions, and a pull to keep things simple since we still can't plan for anything right now. I don't feel like I have anything to aim for, because a Best Possible Scenario isn't something anybody can guess at right now. I have a thousand questions. Lots of ideas. But no where to start, and literally no where to end. I don't know what I'm shooting for right now.

The irony, of course, is that COVID is just one problem affecting the world right now, and so many people are dealing with so much more. The pressure of COVID has done so much to expose the thousand other pressures people, particularly low-income families and minorities, have to deal with every day. I don't know what direction to turn my own life right now, and I definitely am struggling to find ways to help the world at large as well. There is so much pain. Where can one start to do anything that's meaningful? What now? Where do we go from here?

The one thought that has helped me lately, though, is the comforting notion that this--this complete shit show--is very simply life. It is a messy, scary, un-plannable, unclear, totally new season of our lives. I don't mean that we should take COVID or BLM or anything else going on lightly (we shouldn't). I don't mean that we should attempt to just retreat into what we know (we shouldn't). But, I do mean that our only way through, to figure any of this out, is by living through it. Living through it, listening, thinking, reading, trying, and committing to re-calibrating ourselves every single day. I don't know how to move forward personally, but I do know more than I did in March. And if we surge in the fall, I'll know more then, too. While there is no way to know if things will get better, we can hold on to the fact that we get to choose to keep going, and keep trying.