changing & questioning

How much can I coach? Where will I coach?

Will I skate in shows this year? Next year?

Do I want to be skating in shows this year? With everything going on?

Do I need another job?

Do I need multiple other jobs?

Should I go back to this old job, but make it better?

Should we move?

Will Chris be working from home FOREVER?

If he is, should we make a big move?

Is all the discomfort at church a sign that people need to change? Or that I need to change?

If I think differently than I did a few years ago, have I sold out? Or grown?

What do I do, now that I have no close friends in the area that I grew up in?

Now that I have the option to return to certain things, isn't it mean if I want to stop?

What if "getting back to normal life" fills me with a lot of dread?

These questions have been pounding around my head, in varying degrees and forms, since June. I don't have answers to any of them, but with fall right around the corner I'm feeling the pressure to.

 

Pre-covid, 2020 already held a lot of changes: moving in with Chris. Setting big goals together for the next few years. Coaching as my primary source of income. Knowing that the current pace I was working was not sustainable, and had to change.

During, but not directly because of, covid, has also held a lot of changes: I'm starting school this fall! We have a dog. I'm going to therapy. My closest friends are not local to me anymore. I'm questioning how I fit inside the church. 

To me, these changes and questions are all inextricable from each other. It feels like I can't answer one, without answering them all. I have been holding back from moving anything but the absolute bare minimum of work forward, for fear of pursuing the wrong thing too much, and trapping myself. 

I have busied myself writing out "dream schedules" on slips of scrap paper at work. Mystical, ridiculous schedules and dream lives, where I magically am an established coach at multiple rinks, I have plenty of time and money for school, working only a few hours a week at a second job is more than enough, and I can easily incorporate lots of time with my new, close friends. None of these fantasies are based in reality right now. And while I love making lists and dreaming of the future, doing this while I'm incapable of making even one decision about what the next few weeks should hold, doesn't seem healthy. 

Though I try to fool myself, most of these questions aren't about schedules and numbers. They're about saying yes to new things in the face of uncertainty, and saying goodbye to things I used to love. They're about taking risks and moving on. About opening myself up to making, potentially, very wrong decisions, or not seeing anything come from ideas I've floated out into the world. I am very afraid of regretting things in my future, and I know I tend to avoid it by changing as little of my present as possible.

We have seasons of life that are pretty neutral, and then seasons of life that are very transitional. I hate the transition. I hate the gray area. I keep finding myself thinking back on 2-3 years ago, when my life was extremely fulfilling and full of new experiences, but overall, didn't hold a lot of big changes.Conversely, I keep imagining 5 years in the future: this is behind us. I've booked a yoga retreat in another country with a close friend. I might be married, or at least, a lot more settled into living with Chris. I'm seamlessly managing coaching and school and working on new project that I'm excited about. I feel grounded, and confident. 

While being stressed about all the changes with work and routines is real, I also know that most of this is just me being scared to change, even in the face of desiring that change. I want closer friendships. I don't want the awkwardness of making new friends. I want to coach more. I don't want the risk of not having another job. I want large chunks of time for school and projects. I don't want the income drop. I want less anxiety in my day-to-day life. I don't want to admit that I can't do everything. 

I am not who I was 3 years ago, and I am not who I will be in 5 years. I may not love these transitions, but fighting through them is what gives us those yes! I feel good right now moments. Regardless of what work does or doesn't happen, regardless of what friends I do or don't make, regardless of any timeline I end up on, I can keep moving forward. 

I can make the first friend move.

I can pitch new coaching ideas. 

I can apply for jobs in and out of shows. 

I can block of time for school, 

for long walks,

for yoga,

for reading,

for going out,

for new projects, 

for sitting and doing nothing. 

I can actually do the exercises that help me feel less anxious.

I can keep throwing things at the wall, seeing what sticks, re-thinking, and keep making changes. 

While a global shutdown has made all of this seem more desperate and acute, a part of me thinks I would have ended up in this space, anyways. This is a season of change. Of questioning what I want, and what I think, so that I can be a better and truer me in the next season. Growing pains are tough. But this season holds a lot of hope, too. 

15 Joys of Right Now

I am extremely excited for August. There is so much good, exciting, long-term goal stuff that is coming this fall, and I am so ready for it. But with that also comes lots of change, a lot of decisions, and a lot of new territory. Even pre-covid, 2020 began as a year earmarked for lots of personal changes. Adding that to all the uncertainty covid has brought, and some big mental shifts I've been needing to make, hasn't been the easiest. 

But while I've thrown myself a few pity parties over the last two weeks (and let's be honest, the last two days as well), I also feel so excited for everything that is coming. I am working on staying present, and staying positive, so here are 15 joyful things that are happening right now.

01: Drinking sparkling water with fresh lemon. Some ice, a fresh wedge of lemon, and some seltzer in a mason jar has been my go-to refresher lately. It feels way more luxurious than it should. Once when I was feeling really fancy, I even added fresh thyme! And that was magical. 

02: Bear's new interest in playing. I still need to write the long-awaited post dedicated to our German Shepherd puppy, Bear, but for now I'll keep it to this: He's currently 6 months old (and 60 pounds!), and has just started selecting the toy he wants and bringing it to you to play with him. If you ignore him, he'll just keep putting his toy in your lap until you start playing with him. It is so endearing.

03: Quiet, peaceful, no-pressure Sunday afternoons. The last few weeks, our Sundays have been fairly busy with adventurous, outdoorsy stuff, like kayaking. The secondary benefit to this, is that in the afternoon, we (and Bear!) are already tired and ready to zone out. This has led to lots of snuggling up in bed, with a book or a movie or just to scroll through photos with some water and a snack. Nothing beats that sleepy Sunday feeling.

04: After a year of being on the waiting list, I am finally starting the Master Choreography Techniques certification with American Ice Theater this fall! This course is a semester long, with monthly meetings, readings, and homework, like creating pieces of choreography to discuss. I just got my book today, and am so pumped.

05: New hanging plants. A few Sundays ago, I went off to a local greenhouse and bought a few more houseplants. We now have a beautiful lipstick plant hanging in the living room window, and it just makes me love this space even more. 

06: Creating working space. Speaking of space, we've been re-thinking our apartment setup. Our space is small ( one bedroom, attic apartment), and now with two adults and a dog who are home and attempting to be productive at home more than we used to, we're having to rethink a few things. But, setting up private spaces that allow both Chris and I to work has been really fun. 

07: Bagels. It has been FOREVER since I'd had a bagel, and the other week, I happened to get one for lunch. It was a cinnamon crunch bagel, with honey walnut cream cheese, from Panera, and it made my entire day. I now can't get bagels out of my head, and we're planning to go out and get some for breakfast tomorrow morning.

08: Yoga with Adrienne INQUIRE. I love YWA forever and always, but her theme this month of "inquire" is just so good. I am working hard (and failing, but trying and trying) to get better at a daily practice, and this August playlist is really giving me what I need. Highly recommend.

09: Automatic savings accounts. I recently did a savings overhaul, and created a few new accounts to better help accomplish my current goals. Spending the morning creating those accounts and then setting up the automatic transfers gave me SO MUCH JOY! Life will look very different in five years, I think, and this is helping me get there!

10: Gnocchi, greens, & sausage. My favorite go-to meal that has come from quarantine has been: any kind of freezer gnocchi, scrambled sausage, and broccoli rabe (or any other bitter greens), all mixed together, with cheese. It is quick and doesn't really require planning, with a cheesy comfort factor. 

11: Nuanced people. This isn't the moment to go into crazy amounts of detail, but lately there has been a lot of conversation, in my community, about decisions I've made. This can feel hurtful, at times, and emotionally draining, always. The people who have been helping the most are the people around me who are able to have kind, nuanced conversations, and don't spend much time dwelling in the black and white "facts." I appreciate them.

12: Orange Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies. Another quarantine discovery. Now I don't even want to make normal cookies.

13: Our bedroom. I LOVE this room. I am so happy I painted it blue. That I got the new blanket for the bed. That I bought new plants. It's a beautiful, cooling, calming space.

14: WATER!! Lately, I have been so attracted to the water. I crave seeing the ocean and swimming and even just wading. I've taken Bear to boat launches in the early mornings so he can cool off, have packed up solo dinners to eat at the beach, and have been researching local swimming holes. I just can't get swimming off my brain. 

15: Following lots of great voices for mental health. Lately, I've been doing a lot of reading, podcast listening, and Instagram scrolling through voices of psychologists and therapists. I've found so many recent insights extremely helpful, and it gives me hope to keep moving forward.

Of course, there is more. There is always, always more. And I need to do better at reminding myself of that.

Even though 2020 can feel like a mess for so many of us, it’s extremely lucky and privileged to be “frustrated” by it and not broken by it.This is life. The ups, the downs, the re-calibrations, and the ability to look at what’s in front of us and choose the best path forward, even while wishing for different choices.

I am excited to enter August. I am grateful the new phase of life this year feels like. While we press forward, here's to staying grounded in the joys of right now, too.