changing & questioning

How much can I coach? Where will I coach?

Will I skate in shows this year? Next year?

Do I want to be skating in shows this year? With everything going on?

Do I need another job?

Do I need multiple other jobs?

Should I go back to this old job, but make it better?

Should we move?

Will Chris be working from home FOREVER?

If he is, should we make a big move?

Is all the discomfort at church a sign that people need to change? Or that I need to change?

If I think differently than I did a few years ago, have I sold out? Or grown?

What do I do, now that I have no close friends in the area that I grew up in?

Now that I have the option to return to certain things, isn't it mean if I want to stop?

What if "getting back to normal life" fills me with a lot of dread?

These questions have been pounding around my head, in varying degrees and forms, since June. I don't have answers to any of them, but with fall right around the corner I'm feeling the pressure to.

 

Pre-covid, 2020 already held a lot of changes: moving in with Chris. Setting big goals together for the next few years. Coaching as my primary source of income. Knowing that the current pace I was working was not sustainable, and had to change.

During, but not directly because of, covid, has also held a lot of changes: I'm starting school this fall! We have a dog. I'm going to therapy. My closest friends are not local to me anymore. I'm questioning how I fit inside the church. 

To me, these changes and questions are all inextricable from each other. It feels like I can't answer one, without answering them all. I have been holding back from moving anything but the absolute bare minimum of work forward, for fear of pursuing the wrong thing too much, and trapping myself. 

I have busied myself writing out "dream schedules" on slips of scrap paper at work. Mystical, ridiculous schedules and dream lives, where I magically am an established coach at multiple rinks, I have plenty of time and money for school, working only a few hours a week at a second job is more than enough, and I can easily incorporate lots of time with my new, close friends. None of these fantasies are based in reality right now. And while I love making lists and dreaming of the future, doing this while I'm incapable of making even one decision about what the next few weeks should hold, doesn't seem healthy. 

Though I try to fool myself, most of these questions aren't about schedules and numbers. They're about saying yes to new things in the face of uncertainty, and saying goodbye to things I used to love. They're about taking risks and moving on. About opening myself up to making, potentially, very wrong decisions, or not seeing anything come from ideas I've floated out into the world. I am very afraid of regretting things in my future, and I know I tend to avoid it by changing as little of my present as possible.

We have seasons of life that are pretty neutral, and then seasons of life that are very transitional. I hate the transition. I hate the gray area. I keep finding myself thinking back on 2-3 years ago, when my life was extremely fulfilling and full of new experiences, but overall, didn't hold a lot of big changes.Conversely, I keep imagining 5 years in the future: this is behind us. I've booked a yoga retreat in another country with a close friend. I might be married, or at least, a lot more settled into living with Chris. I'm seamlessly managing coaching and school and working on new project that I'm excited about. I feel grounded, and confident. 

While being stressed about all the changes with work and routines is real, I also know that most of this is just me being scared to change, even in the face of desiring that change. I want closer friendships. I don't want the awkwardness of making new friends. I want to coach more. I don't want the risk of not having another job. I want large chunks of time for school and projects. I don't want the income drop. I want less anxiety in my day-to-day life. I don't want to admit that I can't do everything. 

I am not who I was 3 years ago, and I am not who I will be in 5 years. I may not love these transitions, but fighting through them is what gives us those yes! I feel good right now moments. Regardless of what work does or doesn't happen, regardless of what friends I do or don't make, regardless of any timeline I end up on, I can keep moving forward. 

I can make the first friend move.

I can pitch new coaching ideas. 

I can apply for jobs in and out of shows. 

I can block of time for school, 

for long walks,

for yoga,

for reading,

for going out,

for new projects, 

for sitting and doing nothing. 

I can actually do the exercises that help me feel less anxious.

I can keep throwing things at the wall, seeing what sticks, re-thinking, and keep making changes. 

While a global shutdown has made all of this seem more desperate and acute, a part of me thinks I would have ended up in this space, anyways. This is a season of change. Of questioning what I want, and what I think, so that I can be a better and truer me in the next season. Growing pains are tough. But this season holds a lot of hope, too.