Somehow, winter has come and gone and I am typing this while snuggled up on the couch on a relatively warm March evening. I am currently enjoying what I think must be the best part of any long-term partnership: Chris is currently making dinner, and has also explicitly said that he doesn't want me to help or to talk to him so he can cook while watching TV. The beginning of relationships are so fun, but I think my heart is partial to being able to give each other space without feelings being hurt. This is what a marriage of two introverts looks like, and I love it.
January and February have been jam-packed with activities and have been busy work wise, but somehow, I still feel like there's been a lot of time to just...exist? Throughout most of my adult life, I have considered myself a little better at working than at playing. From 18 until very recently, I've held down multiple jobs at once, had periods of life where I was training skating almost 20 hours a week, and been a student. I love the purpose that comes with being a "busy" person, and overall I think I'm more emotionally even when I keep my calendar relatively full. It is not good for me mentally, however, when that drive pushes me over the edge into anxious territory. I watched this Tik Tok from our light, our life, our love: Chelsea Fagan recently, and honestly have been thinking about it for weeks. I know I have internalized a sense of always needing to be busy, and I do struggle with my self worth when I do something as simple as take a day off because I'm sick. I want to be better at reframing the parts of my life that are self-imposed, instead of making myself a victim of my owl compulsion to do everything.
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| Heading off to Portland ME! |
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| Used bookstore in Portland. |
One of my goals for the New Year was centered around working more intelligently, and no longer allowing the constant sense of "always being working" to keep messing with my personal life. I decided to set a hard limit on the admin side of coaching. Since the start of the year, I have a hard rule about not working when I get home from coaching (depending on the day, this could be as early as 6:30 or as late as 9pm). It's been life changing! At night, I have no agenda and just hang out with Chris and Bear, make dinner, watch movies, or read my book. In the morning, I wake up with a lot less dread because I gave myself time to unwind the night before, and I've been so much more focused at getting stuff done during the day because I don't have the option of figuring stuff out in the evening. It also makes me way more likely to see friends in the evening, because I have no sense of keeping the time available in case I need it for work (which I always did when it was an option).
I think this mindset of actually "leaving" work at the end of the day has been especially important for me right now. Over the past few months, I've been working through a lot of self doubt and inadequacy, and all the shame that comes with feeling those things while also "getting" to "live my dreams." Weird territory! So it's satisfying (and grounding) to feel so proud of my personal life at the moment. For perhaps the first time, I feel like my life is full of friends, adventures, satisfying relationships, hobbies, and quiet time to lay on the couch with the dog. I love my personal life right now. It is joyful and playful and creative and life giving. I am proud of the years it has taken for me to cultivate this, and I don't want to take it for granted.
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| Saturday afternoon relaxation of choice: Youtube and a lunch beer. |
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| Tacos and beer on the coldest day of the yar. |
We've made room for so many adventures over this winter: In January, Chris and I took the train up to Portland ME to go to bars and walk around bookstores. It snowed SO MUCH but we loved it even when we got chilled, and catching the train back home was so fun. Towards the end of the month we had friends over for what I called a Friendsgiving (even though we were well past the holidays, I served pasta, and the only remotely festive thing was a pumpkin cake). It was the most people we'd ever had in our apartment for a party and I LOVED it. This will be the year of parties. In the beginning of February, we also experienced a few days with below zero weather. While we mostly stayed in, we did sneak out for tacos and beer at one of our favorite walking-distance spots and sitting in the warm bar while we watched frost form on the windows was exhilarating. For Valentines Day, we decided to be a Proper Grown Married Couple and got reservations for the Saturday before at Cava in Portsmouth, a *fancy* tapas place that we'd only been to once before. We sat at the bar and did their fixed menu option and really enjoyed it.
Also for Valentine's Day, I made Chris a homemade coffee cake. By a stroke of luck, I unlocked all my own nostalgia: this recipe tasted exactly like the Krusteaz mixes my mom would buy and make on Sunday mornings before church. Also in the homemade date category: February we experienced a Disney resurgence and watched so many movies, new and old. While Turning Red was probably my favorite of all the new watches, my favorite night was when we watched Ratatouille while eating homemade ratatouille, with crusty bread, a cheese board, and wine. Probably my favorite at-home date nights we've ever done.
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| Ratatouille date night. |
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| UNH Hockey Game |
Mid-February, I took a leap and got a wolf cut. I love it! And honestly feel like this is the most "myself" I've ever looked like. Styling bangs again is a trip but thankfully I'm much better than my 13 year old self was (scroll through the archive for proof, at your own risk). Other highlights of the month were seeing a comedy show at WHYM brewery, going to a UNH hockey game with friends, finding what we believe to be the best happy hour in town (it's The Brick on Wednesdays), and my first time night skiing in four years. To round out the winter, we saw Couch in Burlington VT with friends at Nectar's, a small bar and concert spot downtown and walking distance from their apartment.
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| Seeing Couch in Burlington VT. |
Overall, an epically full godsend of a Winter. I'm so grateful for my friends, my husband, our sweet Bear and Charlie, and the chance to be out here trying new things. Spring is looming and looking busy, so I'm excited for: soaking in and really noticing the sunshine and longer days, creating more at-home date nights, doing some fun travel, and getting outside more often. Thanks for being here! <3
