About Last Week #4

 I am sitting here on the Monday after Christmas, lots to do, my room a mess, and the period cramps setting in. We officially have only ONE WEEK left of this contract! It has completely flown by. Later today, I will be picking Chris about at the bus up from Ft. Lauderdale (he spent Christmas with his family down there), and he will be with me trough our last show week! Definitely looking forward to some more family time, some snuggles, and some gentle planning for the new year. 

MONDAY 12.20.21

Monday morning I went to Sofritos, our favorite local spot, with Kelsie and Connor. We messed around in the super touristy gift shop next to it for a bit, and then I dropped them off at the airport! That night I went into work and did two shows, both of which actually ended up getting rained out. We were still at the venue all day though. Afterwards, I curled up at home with some tea and did some blogging. :)

TUESDAY 12.21.21

Tuesday morning I had public skate, and we got all the way into the venue in the pouring rain before they canceled it! We were drenched, but happy to not have to be there all day. We went home and I spent the rest of the day watching You've Got Mail, and starting this embroidery kit! I am in love! Can't wait to work on it some more. After that it was just some meal prepping, and then back to the venue for our shows (the rain stopped). 

WEDNESDAY 12.22.21

Wednesday I was crazy tired...went into shows obviously, but honestly I didn't do much else. Just couldn't get out of my way for the whole day, and I felt pretty off. 

THURSDAY 12.23.21

Thursday was a complete whirlwind! I was busy all day going shopping for last minute Christmas treats, ordering last minute gifts, and prepping for a busy Christmas weekend. I got home from shows at 10:30pm, and immediately got to work making three batches of fudge, and a batch of white trash haha. I literally stayed up until 3am, making fudge and listening to podcasts and getting a little wine drunk in the middle of it all. For fudge I made: chocolate and toffee, peanut butter molasses, and white chocolate raspberry. So, so fun....maybe I'll post the recipes so I remember what I did next year! I love to come up with new ones every year. 

FRIDAY 12.24.21

Friday was Christmas Eve! I was up and moving pretty early because I had public skate. I worked public skate from 9:45am-3:30pm, then raced back to the hotel to package up my fudge and back for the night. I made six little fudge boxes: one for the cast, one for some close friends, one for Chris' parents, one for the hotel desk, on for the hotel housekeeping, and one for costuming. These little Christmas tins were 98 cents each at Walmart, and I couldn't help myself. So so cute!!

So after packing up the fudge, I zipped back to work for two shows. Then I went back to the hotel, showered, and hopped in the car for a 3-hour drive to Ft. Lauderdale to see Chris! Phew haha. I got in to his hotel at 2am; definitely a long day but any chance to spend Christmas morning with family is a no-brainer in my book. 

SATURDAY 12.26.21

Christmas day! Woke up in Ft. Lauderdale with Chris. :) We immediately went on a Starbucks run, then opened our stockings together. Afterwards we hung out with his parents, grandmother, and cousins on the rooftop of the hotel. It was a wonderful, relaxed family morning. I left early at about 1pm to zip back up to the show. I was SO TIRED on the drive...had to stop partway through to grab a coffee because I was convinced I was going to fall asleep. But it was also an easy drive, no traffic, some great podcasts, and I just felt so happy! I got back to Orlando at 4pm and zipped right over to the show. We had a super fun secret santa gift exchange at notes, then our typical two shows. That night we had an epic hotel party (I didn't go to bed until 6:30am...whoops!). Being together as a cast is always the best part of any ice show!

SUNDAY 12.27.21

Sunday was chill, and I have no pictures haha. I slept in pretty late, then had a relaxing afternoon to myself before heading in to work. Two good shows! Then a shower and to bed, where I got very distracted by watching videos of people cleaning their dishwashers on Instagram. I can literally not wait to go home and check our dishwasher filter. I'm taking time off from work once I get back, and I am stoked to finally get to deep clean everything!!!!

This week between Christmas and New Year's is always one of my favorites. Hope everyone has a good one!

xoxo Gillian

25?!

 

Last week, I turned 25! So weird. So fun! But honestly, crazy. There is something really interesting about being, inarguably, in your "-mid-20's." 25 seems to hold some kind of grown-up gravitas that 24 just didn't. 

I love getting older. I can truthfully say, even a pandemic later, that every year has been better than the last. I would never want to go back in time to live at a previous age: with each year that passes, I feel myself becoming more like the "me" I'd really like to be. Bumps and all, I am 1000% happier with myself, than I have ever been. I don't just mean "happy"--there are definitely days/weeks/seasons/years where I am depressed, or just not bright and positive. I mean happier with who I really am, as a person. Like I like myself. That's a new feeling! And one I hope just keeps getting better with age. 

Today at 25, I barely recognize myself. The past two years have held the most growth of possibly any other time in my life. I feel unrecognizable to my 22 year-old self...let alone my 20 or 15 year old selves. The past year held so many wonderful things and so many hard things. I am grateful for all the people that were a part of it, and let me lean on them. But also: I am very proud of myself. I am proud of who I am entering 25. There is not a single moment, of a single day, that I am not astounded by my good fortune in life turning out this way. Someway, somehow, I've ended up in a life story that I think is pretty cool, and as a person that I think is pretty cool, too. It's humbling. 

I was listening to a podcast recently and they were talking about how often we are sold this narrative of "Successful people are successful because they are ambitious, work hard, and refuse to give up!" In reality, however, there are lots of talented people involved in any art form or any industry....and not all of them are on the top or "successful" in our narrow definition of the word. Being "successful" requires ambition, hard work, a refusal to give up, and a lot of chance, luck, and circumstance. It's not going to shake out the same way for everyone. 

But what do we do with that information, as ambitious people? For me, I'm choosing to find a lot of freedom in it. I can own both my successes and my failures, but I also don't have to beat myself up for either of them. Sometimes I will fail because of my own short-coming, and sometimes I will fail because of a circumstance. They are both okay. They are both great! They both are opportunities for growth. 

At 25, I want to move forward into allowing myself more space for that concept. More space to be ambitious and ask for the things I want, as well as more space to be honest about what really doesn't feel good for me. I want to show up and challenge myself towards growing into the type of creative I want to be, while also knowing that who I am as a whole person today also holds incredibly value. At 25 I want creative projects, work, school, learning, studying, building, as well as deeply nurtured friendships, a precious marriage, time for books and crafts, dinner in the oven, long hikes with Bear, art on the walls, and flower gardens. Time, space, and openness of heart and mind towards all the things that make life worth living. I want that elusive "balance", or perhaps more accurately, the ebb and flow. 

I am setting this time aside to be proud of how far I've come, and to hold some hope that there is still so much time for a thousand more crazy, wonderful things. Here are a few things I am proud of myself for, in the past 25 years:

• Taking a real look at my skating self when I turned 18, and acknowledging that if shows were something I wanted to do, I'd have to make some changes. 18 year-old me knew nothing, had no connections, had no money, but honestly was pretty ballsy. I switched coaches, joined different teams, trained 6 days a week, watched countless videos, and talked to everyone, all while working full-time with a part-time job on the side. 3 years later I got a show! And was a fundamentally different skater. Honestly, I'm amazed I did this. 

• Always having a very clear gut feeling about whoever I was dating at the time, that I trusted. Even when I was with certain people longer than I "should" have been, I always knew what was and wasn't going to be a good situation. I trusted that feeling when it meant not being with people, and I trusted it when I met Chris!

• Moving out! Moving out was a really, really scary experience for me. It was emotionally heavy and anxiety-inducing to tell my parents what I was doing. But it was also the single best decision I've possibly ever made, and really led me to feel so much more myself and therefore just so much happier. Forever grateful for making that happen. :)

• Being a really good paraeducator. I don't think I talked about it on the blog much, but I worked as a para at high school for two years. It was so hard, and I was only 19 when I started there. My student was pretty high need. But I dug really deep, took lots of feedback, and I know I did a really good job. That job was an awesome experience, and sometimes I get nostalgic about it. 

• Running 4 miles last summer haha. I know that is nothing for some people, but I used to not like running, and have always struggled with pacing and distance. Running 4 decent miles was huge! As well as the fact that I am finally at a point where I really enjoy and crave running. 

• Starting to coach full-time. I fell into coaching a lot post-COVID, and then this spring I made the leap to make coaching and skating my full-time thing. Very, very proud of this, and honestly never expected it. 

• Being pretty great in the kitchen. Growing up with a mom that was always baking and cooking definitely helped, but over the past two years I've also experimented with lots of new recipes, and read quite a few blogs and books on food. I feel pretty confident to try basically anything, and to know that I can salvage most things. I love to cook, I love to bake, and I love the canning I've been able to do. Part of it just feels innate, and I really love that. 

• Having a really strong relationship with Chris. I'm proud of how neither of us played any games when we started dating, how we've both always been honest about what we wanted and needed, the way we talk about things that aren't working, and how much fun we have together. I'm very proud of just the healthiness of it. 

• Outgrowing old opinions. I used to be a far more judgmental person than I am today, and I had a lot of black and white thinking. I would love to write more about this at some point, but for now: I am proud of moving myself past that. I'm proud of how even when I was in the midst of it, I was open enough to entertain other ways of thinking, and how that listening eventually led me to re-evaluate some strongly held beliefs. I'm definitely a kinder person today, because of it. 

• I'm proud of being more fun that I was growing up. Hear me out: I used to be really uptight. I am still very uptight! But I'm much better at relaxing and letting myself enjoy things now. Life's a lot better that way!

• I'm proud of finishing MCT, the choreography training by American Ice Theatre. Another thing I haven't talked about a lot, but I'm really proud of not only taking the course but the work that I put into it. I'm especially proud of my final piece. 

• Having good taste in beer! I am weirdly delighted in my decent but rudimentary knowledge of beer, and I'm proud of how much I like it and like to talk about and seek out new ones. 

• Going to therapy! Even leading up to March of 2020 I was feeling so, so low, and the pandemic really exacerbated it. I am so glad I started going to therapy early on. It's been life altering and so, so helpful (if any part of you thinks you should go...you should go!).

25 is the year I'll get married! And maybe run a 10k? Do a new ice show? Move somewhere new? I'll definitely go for winter hikes and keep focusing on coaching, choreograph some fun stuff and make lots of food. It's going to be a good year. :)

About Last Week #3

 This past week was all over the place: last days off of the run, my birthday, closing out the semester of school, a holiday party, and friends visiting! Lots of good stuff. I also had a cold which was less fun, and honestly just felt a little off most of the week...but nothing a little quality time with friends and some self care didn't fix. 

Monday, 12.13.21

Honest, Monday was a blur. I feel like I barely remember what I did! We had the day off, and I had my last day of class for one of my remote classes. Then I spent the evening in the pool and ordered pizza with a cast mate. Somehow I didn't take a single photo all day...but enjoy this one Chris sent me of Bear!

Tuesday, 12.14.21

On Tuesday we had a party at one of my local cast-mates house! It was SO FUN! We all got dressed up and had a great time. Everyone made and brought food, I made barbecue chicken in my Instant pot to top baked potatoes with, and I also made some cookies at their house. 

Wednesday, 12.15.21

Wednesday was a bit of a recovery day from the night before! I took my very last final, cleaned my room and read my book, then had a good long soak in the hot tub and worked out. That night Chris and I had a wonderfully long video chat. We don't video call very often, and even though we talk every day we don't always have time for long calls. It felt like a cozy date night!

Thursday, 12.16.21

Thursday was my 25th birthday! I kept it pretty chill though. I went to a wax appointment in the morning, and then a Target run to get some Christmas stuff. I treated myself to two new pairs of earrings! Then I worked the public skate session at work, and hung out with my friend, Emily, for the evening. A perfect, low-key day. 

Friday, 12.17.21

I don't know what was the matter with me, but Friday morning I just felt...bad? Tired, and definitely with a bit of a head cold. I also felt kind of anxious and depressed, just melancholy and generally off. Did my best to pull myself together and clean the room, but I honestly didn't do much outside of getting myself to work. After shows, though, I showered and went to the airport to pick up my friend Kelsie and her boyfriend!

Saturday, 12.18.21

Saturday we spent the day in the park together, and they got to see the show! So fun. :) I've honestly never had a non-skater friend visit me at a contract before, and it was such a treat to get this time together since we don't see each other enough, even when I am home!

Sunday, 12.19.21

Sunday morning Kelsie and I went to Celebration (Disney's residential neighborhood) to grab breakfast at their diner! They also had a farmer's market going on in their market square, so we got to explore that as well. It was a perfect morning of chatting and eating great friend and just relaxing together! We headed back to the hotel in the afternoon, where I dropped her off and headed in to work myself. 

Overall, this was such a fun week with so much good social time. We are in the last two weeks of this contract! It has gone by so quickly; much quicker than in years past. I'm honestly not ready for it to end!

About Last Week #2

 Proud of myself for showing up for week #2 of this little series, haha. Here is to attainable goals! Last week featured lots of wrapping up of the semester, shows, and some family visits. A good time! 

MONDAY, 12.6.21

We had Monday through Thursday off last week, so I spent the day focusing on getting as much homework done as possible. Chris sent me this adorable snapchat. That night I sat in the hot tub, and then what was going to be a chill cast hotel room hangout turned into QUITE the night of Margaritas, ridiculous games, and lots of laughing. A good time. 

TUESDAY, 12.7.21

Not gonna lie, I was not feeling my best Tuesday morning haha. But a slow start led to a productive day working on a huge paper I needed to write! I took a lot of my writing to the pool, and then finished the night with a glorious bubble bath. 

WEDNESDAY, 12.8.21

Sometimes I struggle to eat enough while I'm away from home or busy, so I've been making sure to have lots of snacks. These little crackers from Trader Joe's are the perfect thing to much on when I just need something. Wednesday morning I got up early and went skating at the real rink. I worked on my Bronze ice dances with some friends from the cast! Then I went to the grocery store, and came home to more homework. Wednesday night we had a cast BBQ at the grills outside the hotel!

THURSDAY, 12.9.21

Thursday I was on the grind for school from 9am until 11pm. The big due date was submitting my creative non-fiction portfolio, which when completed was 45 pages long! I spent all day writing, then put on makeup and real clothes to film me reading some excerpts from it. Got it done!

FRIDAY, 12.10.21

I had a ton to do Friday: we were back to shows, we had a re-block rehearsal in the afternoon, and my parents were flying in. I needed to do lots of HW but honestly I was so drained from Thursday that I gave myself time Friday morning to just watch Seinfeld and slowly drink my coffee. It was divine. I did get a few things done, but overall I let myself take Friday slow!

My parents were here on Saturday! After a slow morning we spent the day at Seaworld, then they saw both shows. After shows we went out to dinner at Yardhouse. 

Sunday, 12.12.21

Sunday morning my parents and I made pancakes and then hung out by the pool. Around 12:30 we left for me to drive them to the airport, and then I went to work. This has been where 99% of my schoolwork as been done since I got here: at the venue between shows, on the floor, sitting on a show towel, laptop in hand (and snacks close by).

This coming week we have more days off, a cast holiday party, and officially my LAST DAY of the semester (finally!). I'm excited to do some good relaxing, spend time outside, and crank through the last bit of school. Then my birthday is Thursday, and then we're in shows from Friday all the way until January 2nd! My best friend also comes to visit this coming weekend, so I'm looking forward to that. 

Happy Monday, everyone! xoxo

About Last Week #1

Gonna try a new little thing! I've always wanted to be more consistent at capturing "real-life" on the blog. For me personally, I love looking back on posts with lots of photos. I don't scrapbook or anything, so Instagram and this blog is a huge way that I reminisce! Here's what last week looked like, a photo a day. 

MONDAY 11.29.21

MONDAY 11.29.21

The semester is wrapping up, and Monday I tackled some larger final projects so I could fully relax while Chris visited! I also painted my nails for the first time in a long time and I am obsessed! Why don't I do this more?!

TUESDAY 11.30.21

Spent the morning doing homework and working out and then picked up my baby at the airport! This was the shortest 36-hours visit but it was so fun and so resetting. :) Tuesday we just hung out at the hotel, sat with some of the cast around the fire pit, and I made a new pasta recipe from the Joy The Baker Holiday magazine!

WEDNESDAY 12.1.21

Wednesday started with breakfast at our absolute favorite Orlando place, Sofritos! We discovered it when I did Sea World in 2019 and it's become our go-to. :) Amazing coffee, and I always get the arepas! Later we did some Christmas shopping, then shut down Disney Springs haha. 

THURSDAY 12.2.21

Chris left for the airport early in the morning. :( I went back to sleep, then had a lazy morning before working Public Skate at SeaWorld, and skating a show for a special staff event that night. 

FRIDAY 12.3.21

No photos. It was kind of a stressful workday, and I struggled to get as much homework done as I'd been planning.

SATURDAY 12.4.21

Had a great little skate on ensemble ice, with a beautiful sunset! Lots of homework and then two shows in the evening.

SUNDAY 12.5.21

A very busy day! Got up at 6:30am to do a few hours of homework before getting to the venue, worked at Public Skate 9:45-3:30, then skated ensemble ice at 4:30, and then the whirlwind of notes, makeup, pre-setting, two shows, plus staying up late to submit a big final! Quite a day, but I treated myself to a Starbucks coffee partway through!

Happy Tuesday! These are the days xoxo.

Grateful For in 2021

This Thanksgiving was so good, and also kinda hard. I am back performing in Winter Wonderland on Ice at Sea World! I am right in the middle of finals for school. This is our first (and last!) Thanksgiving engaged! I had a wonderful morning watching the parade and sipping coffee quietly in my PJ's. I had a good cry. I watched a friend's dog. I did some yoga. I went to work. I felt sad and lonely and anxious between shows, and wasn't sure if I could muster. We got back to the hotel at 10:30, and we had a fantastic Thanksgiving cast party in my hotel room. There were Apple Cider Margaritas, a cheese board, and pancakes! A truly wonderful time. All in all, so grateful for the day (even the hard parts). 

My overwhelming feeling as we enter the holidays this year is just awe. I am in awe of this incredible life, and the fact that I get to live it. I am honored that I do feel like I'm making my middle-school self proud. I am dizzied by how much life has changed in two years, not to mention five years! I am so, so grateful to feel myself inching closer to the brave, kind, put together, fun type of person I want to be. What an honor to grow older! What an honor to grow deeper. 

I am still so much in process, but I am grateful to be in the process. Coming out of this year in particular, here is what I'm grateful for:

I am proud & grateful for the boundaries I have set with family.

I am proud & grateful for getting a dog, and learning I actually love dogs. 

I am proud & grateful for the relationship Chris and I have built, and the ways we prioritize each other.

I am proud & grateful for how much Chris and I value growing outside of each other.

I am proud & grateful that I went back to school, and am still in school, even when it's hard.

I am proud & grateful to still be skating, and to know that this is what I really, really want.

I am proud & grateful for learning how to cook over the past two years.

I am proud & grateful for how much easier it is this contract to sit quietly by myself.

I am proud & grateful for the friendships I have from so many different places.

I am proud & grateful for our adventurous Instagram-able life.

I am proud & grateful for our cozy, private, slow-cooker life. 

I am proud & grateful for how I'm learning to be more nuanced in every area of my life. 

Hope you're all cozy & safe & cared for & having a wonderful start to your holiday season. 

xoxo Gillian

Grateful for in 2020, Grateful for in 2015.

An Artist's Pep Talk

 

I am currently sitting in my hotel room in Orlando, FL. Last weekend we opened up shows at Sea World Orlando, and tonight (a Friday night) we started a long run of shows for Thanksgiving week. I am curled up on the couch: freshly showered, eating scrambled eggs for dinner, with my second (large) glass of wine beside me. For whatever reason, the scene is very You've Got Mail to me. I always feel that way when I'm here doing shows at Sea World. Maybe it's the fact that I spend a decent amount of time alone? All those single lady vibes? Or maybe it's the holidays (You've Got Mail is a holiday movie, in my mind. It just is). 

Anyways. I am here. I am struggling to stay on top of school. I am loving every second of the show. I've been shopping almost exclusively at Trader Joes. And, I've been met with equal parts desperation to do more and skate more and push myself to develop more, and disgust at my own work and my own skating. 

Yes, disgust. That is a horrible thing to say! But there it is. I get frustrated on ensemble ice. I doubt my abilities constantly. I second guess myself. I don't believe any compliments. I get so, so down on myself. And I recognize it as useless, and dumb. But somehow I just can't stop. 

On some fundamental level I'm ashamed of my skating. Ashamed I never got to train "properly," ashamed that I never got to reach a higher level of skating. I worry that others perceive me as a very bad skater. I feel like everything I know how to do is just...boring? And bad?

Of course, on a logical level I know that really, not that many figure skaters exist in the world. And the percentage of figure skaters that go on to do shows is pretty low. That the number of skaters that get hired to do shows is also low, and that therefore I can't be the worst (otherwise, I wouldn't have a job!). And yet, the demons of doubt come creeping in. I'm sick of them. 

All of that to say: it's exhausting to feel that way about your art, when all you want to do is go out and make art. I have not even afforded myself the luxury of thinking I could do anything else. At the end of the day, the only thing I can really do is skate and teach and make things and write. That is all I can do, and all that I want to do. So, I must settle at being mediocre at it. 

Or: I could do the hard work of starting to acknowledge that I might possibly be good at something. That there might, somehow, in this very world, be room for my energy, ideas, expression, skill level, self. The hard work of acknowledging that there are certainly thousands of things I'm not good at, but also thousand of things I'm so good at I don't even notice. And that while working hard and improving and striving is so important, I can also allow myself to--STOP!--breathe, breathe, breath--and know that I am capable and worthy and deserving of it all. 

So the challenge this week is the asking. The asking of others to give me opportunities. The asking of myself, to believe that those could happen and then to believe that I could be really good at them. My being is restless...it's time to start making and creating and doing, and not waiting. 

Cheers To More Space

Hello all, and happy Monday! I am currently writing this from a slightly damp picnic table, in the backyard (!!) of our new apartment. That's right! A yard! True luxury. Chris is cooking salmon on the grill. Bear is curled up next to me. We've had a lovely, productive but relaxed, last weekend before skating season is officially back. 

We've been in the new place for a week now and it feels very, very right. This is where we need to be. The apartment has two floors, a basement, and outdoor space. We have an office. A full-sized kitchen. Two parking spaces. We are very, very excited to turn this into our home, but it already feels very cozy and very us. 

A word that's been echoing in my head as we unpack and settle in this week has been space, and the many ways we need space in our lives. Sure we are starting this "new year" off with more physical space at home, but with this new back-to-school season I am finding myself craving more space in every sense of the word. 

More space to do good, good work. For one of the first times in my adult life, I am entering this season with just one job. I am currently a full-time skating coach, and a full-time student. I have been making myself absolutely sick all week worrying about if I will be making "enough" and how this is all going to work, and feeling pretty bad about myself for not chasing more opportunities. But, enough. I need this space. I am ecstatic for school. I love it so, so much, and I am not giving the opportunity to really be able to focus on it up. And I love my skating students. I have so many ideas to grow my coaching business, and I'm excited to have the real space, during real work hours, to make some dreams happen.

More space to do what feels good. Last spring, I hit an insanely good work out streak. I was probably in the best shape of my life. But, with a busy summer and a stressful move, I've fallen off that train a bit. My body has been feeling it: I am lethargic and moody and just sore, so often. I went on a run this morning, and I did a strength workout yesterday. I've also done yoga a record three days in a row. So, yes. Getting back to making time to feel good in my body. 

More space to know myself. I hide behind being busy. I run myself ragged, and then get upset (and blame others) when my needs aren't being met. I have been in therapy for well over a year now, and some of it is actually starting to stick. I am feeling much lighter. And I know (even if I don't necessarily know how) that the work of maintaining that mental health comes down to me, not others. My skating parents will always text at bad times. My friends won't be able to read my mind. Strangers will cut me off while driving. And it's not Chris' job to walk on eggshells around me. Through better knowing myself, and acknowledging what I actually need, I can put myself in a position to be content and happy. That is my work, but one needs some brain space to do it. 

More space to care. A huge shift I have felt in the past 6 months or so has been how much Chris, Bear, and I really feel like a family. I want to care for this family. I've been thinking a lot about the term "homemaker". Not in the 50's housewife, make me a sandwich way: but in a way that really honors the sacredness of family, and my desire to create a healthy and thriving one. I want to create a comfortable, safe home for us. I want us to be nourished and happy. I want us to have the space to change and grow, because we know that we are secure. And I want to be a better friend: more space for catch-up phone calls, and thank you notes, and having people over to play cards. 

More space to mess up. I want to try new hobbies, and mess up! I want to be more public with my friends about what's hurting! I want to have hilarious stories of mishaps to share over drinks, and send embarrassing texts to friends. I am so, so tired of protecting myself and sharing just the glossy bits (or possibly worse....the hard bits I've polished into some sort of "authentic" Instagram caption essay). When I am a mess, I just want to be a mess. Sometimes, there's beauty in that. Sometimes, it's just a mess. But it's real, and that's what I'm craving. 

More space to just BE. When all of the church stuff concerning our wedding went down, I felt sad and angry. But I also felt a release. It was the final rip of the Band-Aid: no matter how hard I tried, I never would have been able to be the full, in-the-flesh version of myself in front of them, and been accepted. That was never an option; I just wasn't aware. And now that that is officially not an option, I no longer have to try. I can just be me. I can just BE. I can be tired. I can be hungover. I can be happy. I can be sensual, and ambitious, and annoyed, and curious. I can be all the thousand things that I am, but always experienced rules around. Cheers to that!

A prayer for space in your new season: may you get to be yourself. May you choose to be yourself. May you have room to mess up. And may you have space to celebrate each and every thing, and best of all, not overthink them. Amen to that, and cheers to you. 

Happy Sunday, friends! xoxo.

Leaving Middle Street

This coming Saturday, Chris and I will be moving out of our Middle Street apartment. Our landlord decided to sell the house, so for the past few weeks we (well, mostly Chris) have been hustling to find a new place. We're going to be moving about 20 minutes south, two towns over from where we are now in Portsmouth. We're moving into the middle unit of a tri-plex in a small town; we'll be across from a large park with walking trails and have a yard!

We are excited to move. A spare bedroom! Two parking spots! A yard! A full size kitchen! Laundry hookups! But, this also feels a little sad. This chapter is closing. I have loved every minute in this cramped little apartment. 

Chris moved into this apartment in June of 2018, just a week before we met. It was his first apartment without roommates. I came over for the first time sometime in early July. He had two beach chairs set up in the living room, and I helped him put an AC in the window before we left for our third date. 

This apartment is an attic one-bedroom, on top of an older house about a 10-minute walk from downtown. All the walls have slanted ceilings. In the bathroom, the shower is built into the slanted ceiling, and the shower rod sits so low that you can see Chris' shoulders above the curtain. You enter the apartment through a galley kitchen, and directly across from the front door is the bathroom. From there you cross into a little hallway, with the steps down into the main unit cutting up through the floor. On one side of this hallway is our bedroom, and on the other side is the living room. There is a very long, angled closet in the hallway, which we sarcastically called the shed. We keep the pet food and camping supplies and paint cans and tools in there. We've called it the shed so often, though, that now we call it that unironically to everyone, which is confusing. 

The rooms are choppy and none of the doorways flow into each other, which makes it horrible to cool down in the summer. Attics are always so, so hot. To get up to our apartment, there's a huge outdoor staircase that ends in a little landing right outside our door. We spent a silly amount of time on that little, maybe 3x3, landing. We squeezed a tiny grill out there. Last summer during quarantine, I had flowers and veggies going up and down the stairs. The landing is Bear's favorite spot to perch, and every day when I leave he gives me kisses through the slats. 

This apartment was so fun in the first year or so of our relationship. We went on motorcycle rides, went on early morning runs, and went downtown for drinks. I had never consistently stayed over at a boyfriend's before, and I really reveled in showing up for the weekend and getting to live an almost alternate life.

 Sometime in that first year, we had some of Chris' friends come over and I made homemade buffalo chicken dip. We dropped it directly on the newly-installed carpet, of course. We cleaned it up, and I scrubbed and scrubbed the spot with baking soda to get the stain out. Finally, Chris asked how I was planning to get the baking soda out of the carpet. "I'll just vacuum it!" I said, and that's how I learned that Chris didn't own a vacuum, even though he'd been living there for months. 

Of course, this apartment was Chris'. But I took it as mine well before moving in. I had a part-time coffee shop job at the time, and in between those shifts and coaching I'd often hang out at his apartment even when he was at work. He got me a very ugly dresser from the side of the road, that had two drawers missing. Over time we acquired everything necessary to make cookies whenever I got the urge. We at a lot of frozen pizzas, often with the office in the background and a new bottle of wine from the store directly across the street. Other nights, we'd go out for a quick drink before dinner, then spring for an appetizer, and then go to a second place, and just eat appetizers the entire night. 

I moved in in January of 2020. I cannot thank my lucky stars enough that we moved in together before covid. Moving in was a Big Deal. But, I don't know if I've ever felt something that felt so right, straight from the start. It was such an obvious decision. This apartment--and more importantly, Chris--were already home to me. I just needed to move all my stuff in. 

Even so, that first year of living together was hard. It took us a long time to get in the rhythm of things. It took a long time for the apartment to feel like mine. But this year, we've really hit our stride. The apartment stays relatively clean. There is always food in the fridge. We make a good, decently healthy dinner most nights a week. We spend a lot of time chatting at the kitchen table, and a lot of time working quietly in separate rooms. Our favorite weekend activity this summer has been curling up on the couch with Bear, while I read a book and Chris plays videogames. 

I love waving to the neighbor I park my car in front of at 5am every morning, while I head off to coach and he walks the dog. I love seeing Bear wait for me at the top of the steps. I love the light that streams in through the kitchen window at golden hour. I love how cozy the slanted ceilings make each room here. 

This apartment was many firsts, for both of us: first dog, first place together, first time living with a significant other, first time buying furniture, first time trying 1000 new recipes. This was our quarantine home, my oasis on long workdays, where we fought and laughed and made plans and made up. This is where we lived when we got engaged. This has been the place we celebrated, and relaxed, been productive, and retreated when we were sad and tired. 

I have a thousand more photos that are making me teary-eyed, but I'll close it here. Here is to new chapters! New things! Growing together! This new chapter feels very grown up. But I am sad to leave this tight, old apartment. This little place has given us so much space, and so much freedom. Middle Street, you've been the place both our adult lives really started. We'll miss you!