These Are The Days

As I'm typing this, I am sitting in West Palm, Florida, in between ice shows. I'm here skating with Rosstyn Ice Shows & Rink Designs at the South Florida Fair; we're almost to the end of our run and only have four show days left. 

I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of fresh starts, and a new era.  It's been over a year since I was away at a skating contract. Once I get home, I'll have left my other job and be setting out as a full time skating coach and full time student. The previous year, with all it's challenges, changes, and unknowns is starting to slip away. There are vaccines! There's live entertainment! We are coming back, and this pocket of in-between time will be gone. 

I don't believe in sugarcoating everything, or always seeking "lessons" and "bright spots" in bad situations. Not everything has to be great! Some things can just be hard. But this season has held lots of growth for me. Mainly, my newfound appreciation for the present moment. 

I am a rusher. I am always working towards, living for, planning for, the next thing. For me, COVID took that away. With everything up in the air, I had to learn to focus on what I needed in the moment, and making the best out of the situation we were in. And being forced to do that really helped me to appreciate this part of my life. Sure, there were a lot of things I wanted this year that didn't happen...but there were also so many things that did! And I am so incredibly lucky to have had the experience through covid that I had, and not something worse. There is so much to appreciate here. 

March and April 2021 held so much goodness for us. Personally, I felt a rhythm set in. Vaccines helped us return to some of our favorite things for the first time. We got to experience all that ooey gooey joy of being newly engaged. We made good food. We kept the apartment clean. Bear became more manageable. Work found some consistency. We saw friends! Before I rush out of this spring, and into the newness of summer, I wanted to highlight some moments and rhythms from the spring that I want to remember. 

SUNDAY RUNDAY: We ran together almost every Sunday. Our "Sunday Runday" became a wonderful part of the weekend to look forward to. I typically coach all day on Sunday, so getting up early and both getting a work out and quality time together was so wonderful. 

DOG WALKS: Sort of connected to running, I made a concerted effort this spring to walk Bear, by myself, more often. Chris does 95% of walks for Bear. Often, I get frustrated with him...and I had fallen into the bad habit of getting irritated with him at night when I had stuff to do, but he needed attention. I started planning taking him for a walk as just part of my routine some days, and it helped so much. Walking's good for me, too!

BRYANT PARK: I ended up skating with American Ice Theatre for a one-day show in Bryant Park, NYC in early March! It was so fun! Rehearsals involved being on the ice, an hour away from home, by 6am for a few weeks...but it was worth it! The show was so fun and we turned into a sweet little weekend in NJ to see Chris' parents. 

AIT NH: In March we also launched American Ice Theatre, NH! We hosted our first workshop, and made plans to start our junior performance company later this month! So exciting!! 

TACOS: I forget why we started, but we fell into the habit of Taco Wednesdays and loved it. We went with Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays because Chris usually works Tuesdays...and a fun, easy dinner we can both work on turned out to be a great way to reconnect after not seeing much of each other for the first half of the week!

EDGE CLASS: Doug Webster from Ice Dance International has been hasting a pro-level edge class in NH this spring, and attending every week was such a highlight of the year for me. It was so fun to improve and work with so many skaters that I really admire, and that have turned into wonderful friends. Hoping this can continue once I'm home! 

WEEKENDS: While I didn't take really any weekends off, I did have Saturday afternoons mostly off. We did a lot of lunch beers, afternoons spent downtown, and power cleans of the apartment together. We hiked with friends, and went to friends houses. I tried hard to never have school, or work, that had to happen past 12 on Saturdays. It wasn't always successful, but more often than not it led to me feeling so much less stressed going into a full workday Sunday. 

FEELIN LOVED: Obviously, everyone is happy and excited when they get engaged. But Chris and I weren't prepared for how much deeper, and more connected, this time has made us feel. We feel more like a couple, and a family unit, and we're excited for everything that's coming. This spring, we worked hard to preserve time together as a couple and also make sure each of us was doing the things that were important to them. It's a balance, and we're excited to keep striving for that once I'm home. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the phrase “these are the days”. These are the days we’ve been waiting for! I have been waiting my whole life to coach so much, be engaged, have my own place, skate well enough for a pro level edge class, have a close friend group. And somehow, I’m here! So I don’t want to rush through. I want to enjoy all of it. Every sunset streaming through our kitchen windows, every time we throw sticks for Bear, every time Chris and I catch up over homemade margs, and every time I laugh with a student. These are the days we’ve been waiting for. Why waste this moment by not appreciating it?

Just Wow!

This past Friday, February 12th, Chris and I got ENGAGED!!

Back at Christmas, I had booked us a two-night stay in a Yurt in Chatham (near Jackson/Conway), New Hampshire for Chris. We had missed our typical traveling so much over the year! And Chris was such a supporter of me over all the changes in 2020. I wanted us to have a fun getaway, that was in-state and therefore could happen even with restrictions, and that was isolated enough that we could "forget" about the pandemic. 

The yurt was incredible. We snow-shoed in with our stuff, about a mile from where we parked the car. The yurt had plenty of room and a woodstove for heat. Bear came with us, and was just living his best life. Going outside whenever he wanted! Running around without a leash! Spending the whole day with both of us! He's such a mountain dog. 

We arrived on Thursday night, and spent Friday morning snuggled up reading and drinking coffee. Later on, we pulled on our gear and went snow shoeing on all the snow mobile trails that crossed the property. On the way back, we stopped at a clearing where we could see the mountains in the distance. After a beer, and a PB & J, Chris proposed! It was the sweetest. I was so surprised, and honestly wasn't even processing what was happening. My only regret was not being giddier while it was happening! But I was plenty giddy after (and still am, tbh). 

The rest of the trip was bonkers, but so worth it and a little funny in retrospect. Friday night we went out for an engagement drink. By the time we got back up to the yurt, the fire had gone out and the stove was too cold for me to get a new one going. We tried for an hour and a half but couldn't get it to start. Finally, Chris called it and we hiked back down to the car at 10pm and slept there. In the moment, I was really frustrated. But it is a hilarious story. 

Saturday morning, we both were wide awake at 5am (the car isn't the most comfortable, after all). We drove to a Dunkin Donuts and then drive all around watching the sunrise over the mountains. We ran into Walmart and bought a Duraflame log, then hiked back up to our yurt and started the woodstove. We snow shoed a bit more, packed up, and had some time to just enjoy the yurt for the last few hours. We stopped for a fun lunch on the way home, and had a great, talkative drive. 

I was completely surprised. We've talked about it a lot, obviously, and I knew it was going to happen at some point this year. But I definitely wasn't expecting it this early, or on that particular trip. I didn't even know he had a ring, and for whatever reason, I thought I would just know when he had one. It was the best surprise!

Ecstatic doesn't really cut it. I am so excited for this, and for us! This feels like the perfect timing. I love the time and experiences we've had together so far, and they give me confidence that we will be able to continue to grow together. And I love that we aren't waiting, just because we're relatively young. I am so excited to get to start this phase of our relationship. 

I also just feel...different? Like much more grown-up. And much more motivated to get back to working on building the life I really want, and "correcting" the parts of myself that I feel like are just a little immature. I feel responsible for something incredible fragile, and important. If I'm going to be a married person, I want to put in the work to make sure I'm bringing a solid, mature, and less chaotic version of myself to it. 

Chris put it really well. He said, "It feels like one less part of life that's abstract." YES! It's not a someday anymore, we are really doing this! We are really showing up and doing the things. 

I love you Chris! Are we really doing this? Just wow!!

The Ups & The Downs

December 2019. I was THRIVING. 

Last week hit me with being especially anxious, extremely low-energy, and generally feeling a little pessimistic about life in general. There are a lot of reasons for this: the terrorists at The Capitol, the following news cycles, dreading potential future family conversations, being cold all the time, having the stress of a big project deadline coming up, talking with lots of new coaching clients and the resulting logistical stuff, and the fact that my period is coming. These reasons are valid! And it makes sense that they're getting me down. 

More interesting to me than the reasons, however, are the way these moments cycle. These ups, and these downs. December 2019, I was feeling GREAT: I was high energy, in really great shape, excited about possibilities, and embracing friendships. February 2020, I was really hurting. I was too busy, too stressed, and felt like I was really loosing a true sense of myself. Obviously, March 2020 hit, and the rest of the year has been those same ups and downs, in every area of life. There are have been weeks, days, and hours, where I feel fine, and grateful to be where I am, only to follow the next moment with a dizzying spiral into some pretty dark places. 

These ups and downs have always been a part of my life. I vividly remember times as a kid, and times in high school, when I experienced the same thing for months at a time. I have anxiety, and often for me, extended periods of time with high anxiety lead to bouts of depression. Beyond that, I am a melancholy person. I am introspective, and tend towards brooding in my own thoughts. That can make it difficult to stop the cycle once it's started. Sometimes, I'm just mad, sad, or overwhelmed; and there doesn't feel like much I can do about that. 

February 2020. I remember getting dressed this particular morning to meet up with a friend, and really struggling. 

I've been in therapy for most of this past year, and have spent a lot of time reading, watching videos, journaling, talking, and learning more about how to work with this. I don't want to be controlled by my anxiety. I want to consistently feel more excitement, and more passion, in my life, instead of the dread and neutrality I can sometimes fall into. I would like to feel a little more stable, and less like one thing going wrong can send me into a tailspin. 

I have made significant progress. I have broken several old habits, and old loops. Becoming more independent over this past year has helped me shed some previous skins that weren't serving me. And overall, as we enter 2021, I am feeling so much better. Time between breakdowns is getting further and further apart. I can articulate the things that help me re-center when I am getting overwhelmed. I notice unhelpful thought patterns I fall into. 

Yet, despite this progress, this week has still thrown me for a loop. And there's a part of me that feels like I just need to accept that. These cycles are part of my makeup, and while I can learn coping mechanisms and do tons of work to better live with them, they will still exist. Forcing myself to maintain "perfect" level of positivity is not possible, and seems like a surefire way to guilt-trip this loop into starting again. 

A few weeks ago. I feel like the fog is finally lifting, and I feel so much more like me again!

It's been about a week and a half since I started writing this post, and I'm proud of what's happened these last few days. I did feel like an anxious piece of trash, but I didn't dwell on it the way I often do. I did have a panic-induced argument with Chris, but we talked it out and noticed how it was much more manageable than similar arguments we've had. I did feel a lot of overwhelm as my work schedule filled for the week, but I was able to prioritize the important things, and cancel a few things that were just extra. 

Accepting that I will have ups and downs, and that outside of me life is also full of ups and downs, is giving me a lot of peace right now. It's going me the ability to say, "Yes! I'm anxious. I probably need to step back and maybe drink some water." Or, "Yes! I'm super overwhelmed! I'm going to focus on these three things and let the rest go." Acknowledging that the feeling exists, helps me to deal with it. We will have ups and downs...and that's okay. Our job is not to be happy all the time! Our job is to strive to move through stressful, unhealthy situations in the healthiest way possible. And thinking of it that way seems extremely manageable to me. 

One Year of Shacking Up

This past Sunday, January 10th, marked  the one year anniversary of Chris and I moving in together. I can't believe that it's been that long, but I also can't imagine it being any other way. 

December of 2019, I was skating at Sea World's WWOI. I had left for Florida in November with a rough plan that we would most likely move in together after I came home. Over the next two months, we decided for sure. 

December 2019, we talked a lot about living together, and what it would mean. That conversation, though, had really started over a year earlier, and became a serious topic over that summer. We talked about every side of it, from timelines and expectations about marriage, to how we'd split finances, to how we'd make time to do things without each other. For me, though, the number one topic I kept coming back to was a little less helpful: how would we handle people's reactions?

I was worried about what my parents would think. What my grandmother would think. I was worried about the thoughts of people at church, and especially worried about my closest friends at church. I was worried I would disappoint someone. I was worried that people would think I was some kind of fake Christian, or just a terribly weak one. I was worried that somehow I was failing. And all that worry made me obsess, and attempt to prepare for, so many worst case scenarios. I was prepared to be openly ridiculed, excluded from people I loved, and get the cold shoulder from family. 

But, I also knew that I really wanted to live with Chris. I knew that after all the time I'd spent staying over at his apartment, I was happiest there. Going through normal, daily rhythms with him made me feel the most grounded, the most whole, and the most like myself. Our time together made me want to keep growing as a person. A year and a half into our relationship, I found our love the most exciting, and most nourishing, part of my life. 

We also knew that this was just really good for us. We wanted more space, more time, a routine. We wanted to live with less of an audience. We felt like the next step of our growth as a couple was to act like a proper, partnered couple. 

And while I worried a lot about the opinions of my church, I also didn't believe this was wrong. Maybe those reasons will be their own post some day, but suffice it to say, deciding not to move in together would have been a decision made out of fear of resentment, not fear of actually doing something wrong. Even on my most people-pleasing days, I couldn't live with the idea of that fear shaping my life. 

This year, perhaps, wasn't the easiest one to start our lives together: there was that pandemic, bouts of unemployment, disappointments, actual criticisms my church members, and coming to terms with some deeply rooted anxiety. But on the flip side, every single good thing that did come out of 2020 for me, is somehow linked to the happy little life we've made together. Without Chris vacuuming dog hair and doing home workouts beside me, this year really would have been unbearable. 

A year later, I am proud of us. I'm proud of the life and the cozy little  home we've built. I'm proud that in the face of knowingly opening ourselves up to criticism, we stuck together and focused our actual decisions on what we needed as a couple. I'm proud that we've both been open and eager communicators, to make figuring out what we need doable. 

We have so many more ways to grow, but the growth we did experience is something I'm very proud of. Happy one year of shacking up, Chris. I am so beyond grateful to get to be delinquent with you. 

For anyone thinking through this transition: listen to your gut, not everyone else's reactions. You absolutely know what the right decision for this moment is. 

Grateful for in 2020

Way back in November of 2015, I wrote a pretty standard holiday blog post about what I was grateful for. This week I re-read it, and marveled at how different life is now, five years later. In my head, 2015 still doesn't seem like that long ago, but five years is more than a fifth of my life. A lot has been packed into those five years! 

For context: Thanksgiving of 2015, I had just graduated high school that spring. I was still working at Market Basket. I was only in my second season of skating with TOI Boston. I was single, and living at home. 

Today, I'm living in an apartment with my boyfriend. We have a dog. I'm in college, and working fulltime through two jobs. A large portion of my work is self-employed. I'm skating professionally. 

On Thanksgiving Day 2015, I wrote: "2015 was the year of the unexpected. It held so much heart ache, and so many achieved goals. I'd say I grew up more this year than I ever have before. I've been doing a lot of thinking to what was going on in my head this time last year, and it seems both just yesterday and a million years ago. For a lot of reasons, I'd say I'm not even the same girl."

Replace 2015 with 2020, and insert a (slightly) less dramatic attitude, and I could have written that paragraph today. This year has held a lot of hard decisions and heartache for most of us, but it's also given me the opportunity to chase some goals that I might not have otherwise. I feel like I have grown up a lot this year, and truly embarked on my adulthood in a way that 18 year-old Gillian certainly hadn't. I am for sure the same person I have always been. But I do feel more grounded, a little older, and a little more capable. 

For Thanksgiving 2020, I am thankful for:

My work, which is finally starting to feel like a "career" and not just a "job."

The fact that coaching is now the vast majority of my income. 

The other local coaches that do so much to encourage, support, and teach me. 

Youtube yoga videos. 

Renewed energy towards skating, and making time to focus on my growth as a skater again. 

Getting to perform in a Christmas show locally. 

Learning more about choreography and stretching my creativity with American Ice Theater's MCT course. 

My (much more reliable than in 2015) car. 

Houseplants, and my patio veggie garden this summer. 

Our cozy little apartment, it's great natural light, and our quick walks to downtown. 

The cozy sweatpants I've been living in lately. 

The Creative Bug subscription I just found I get for FREE through our library!

A puppy I've grown to love way more than I thought I would. 

M planner. 

My Airpods. 

Audiobooks. 

Building new friendships, and stronger friendships. 

Coffee, and seltzer water. 

Chris, and the adventurous yet grounded life he gives me. 

The hard work of navigating new family dynamics. 

Challenging myself to critically think about what I believe, and what I support. 

A holiday season spent at home!!

Show opportunities coming up. 

Therapy. 

Good books. 

This year is different. We ended up driving down to New Jersey to be with Chris' parents for the holiday (limiting exposure before, and no indoor stops on the way down, of course). I hope you've all found safe and cozy ways to celebrate. "These are the days" has been echoing in my head lately, and I'm trying to be conscientious about soaking up the remainder of the year, instead of wishing it away. All we have is today. 

Happy Thanksgiving! xoxo. 

A Saturday

 

Yesterday was one of those unremarkable days that was just perfect. Nothing crazy happened, I still did homework and worked a little, but the whole day felt calm, productive, relaxed, and like there was time for everything. 

I got up at 6:30am, let Bear out of his crate, made coffee, and settled in at the kitchen table. I cracked open my laptop, and got through some admin stuff for work I hadn't done on Friday. Then, I checked off a few last minute homework items so I wouldn't have to think about them for the rest of the day. 

Somewhere in the middle of that, Chris got out of bed and started making breakfast. Chris making a fancy breakfast on the weekends has become a sort of quarantine-tradition, and I absolutely love it. He made scrambled egg, cheese, and bacon biscuit sandwiches that were heavenly. We've discovered that the Trader Joe's canned biscuits are the best ones. 

Around 9am, I made myself a cup of post-coffee tea and jumped into the shower. Within the last year, I've become the type of person that never showers without a drink...be it wine, beer, coffee, or seltzer. I always have something propped on the edge of the tub. It's become such a habit that I don't just bring whatever drink I have in with me, I specifically start making one to take into the shower. It's a habit I love. 

After a hot shower, I wrapped my hair in a bun and left for the rink at 9:45am. I'm currently only teaching a quick Learn to Skate session on Saturdays, just a half hour away. I was on the ice at 10:30, and done by 11:10. This particular class has some of the sweetest kids. 

On the way home, I took the backroads and listened to Laura Vanderkam's Off The Clock. I devoured this on audio over the past week, and could really feel her thoughts permeating the way I went about daily life. In the book, she talks about how we all really do have time to feel like happy, whole people. It is possible to have a career, workout, have good family relationships, read, and see friends. She als talks about how a lot of our thoughts about how scarce time is, is really just an attitude. She talked about doing memorable things, and being intentional. I think this book is especially relevant right now, as so many of us are navigating completely new schedules and life situations, and finding it easier to feel sorry ourselves, due to covid. It definitely prompted me to breathe more, call friends, and be grateful for everything this week held. 

I got home around 12pm, and changed. Chris took Bear outside for a quick walk and then at 12:30, we headed downtown for lunch. We sat outside, bundled up in hats and coats, at our favorite local brewery. We split a burger and nachos, people watched, and just chatted. Going out for lunch at a brewery on Saturdays has also been a new quarantine habit. It's fun to not be out late, and to feel like we're avoiding the Saturday night crowd that may be less covid-conscious. We make reservations before we go, so it all feels pretty low contact. I love this tradition, and we've vowed to stay outside as much as possible even as it gets colder. 

After lunch, we headed off to a craft fair. It was so fun to stroll through the vendors. We bought an adorable felt Santa, and a set of clothes pin The Office ornaments. I am so excited to decorate the apartment for Christmas! This fair felt like the beginning of really prepping for the holidays. 

We got home a little after 4pm. Chris took Bear out again (he is totally becoming the primary puppy parent, and I'm so grateful for that). I reviewed some choreography I'm learning for a Christmas show, and cleared some laundry off the floor. After eating a small bowl of soup, I left the house at 6pm. To drive to The Skating Club of Boston, about an hour and a half away, for a rehearsal for that Christmas show. It's a free community show in Boston with Joy Skate Productions, and it's been so much fun to be putting together. On the way, I ended up finishing Off The Clock. The rehearsal was so fun with the rest of the cast, and I started driving home around 9pm. I got home at 10:30, snuggled with Bear, took him for his last walk, and watched some TV with Chris. before heading to bed. 

This Saturday held so many unrushed parts: a fun coaching day, checking homework off my list, going to a craft fair, getting quality time at lunch, and getting to skate with a really inspiring group of peers. It was the rejuvenating mix I needed this weekend. I'm relishing not working all day on Saturdays this season, and preserving pockets of time on the weekend for fun, for work, and for chores. More days like this, please. 

Living in November 2020

It is November 9, 2020, and we are here! Here and just...doing. Today, I am feeling bedraggled, overwhelmed, grateful, hopeful, sad, and relieved. I have hit a weird point in this covid era where I feel so skeptical of every plan being made, that I'm not even surprised when things change last minute. Frustrated, yes, but not surprised. 

This fall, though, is making me feel a little more grounded and invigorated. I want to round out this season, and year, by working hard to be a better friend, girlfriend, coach, dog mom, caregiver, community member, and relative. Additionally though, I'm working hard to be a better parent to myself. To embrace self-care not in a bubble bath way, but with the intention to actually spur myself on to healthier habits. I'm ready to put in the work. 

3 Things From Last Month

COVID Scare: In early October, I got word that two of my private skating students tested positive for COVID. They and their families are fine, for the most part didn't have symptoms, and are ready to go! Once I found out, I canceled everything for the week and Chris and I got tested. Everything is fine, but it was a little scary and stressful and came at the same time as lots of other big news. In a way, though, it was good. It was good to be forced to get a test, and understand what that entailed. Since then I've had to get another test for work, and we're planning to get some over the holidays so that we can travel and see family. I'm happy I know what to expect. 

A new job: In October I started a new job! I'm working as a Direct Support Professional for One Sky Community Services. I am paired with a disabled adult, and support him as we go out into the community, clean his apartment, volunteer, and exercise. It's very similar to being a para (which I loved!), just without the academic side. We are having a ton of fun! And it's been fun to think of different things to do and go see, especially with keeping COVID in mind. 

Skating: Before all NH and MA ice rinks shut down at the very end of October, I was having a blast getting back to skating. I had a jumps lesson with my old coach, and started partnering during my ice dance lessons. After almost two years of training to maintain instead of training to grow, it feels really good to be pushing myself again and setting some goals. Rinks are opening back up now and I'm SO READY to get back to skating (and teaching). 

3 Things From Right Now

A show!: After deciding not to travel for ice shows this holiday season, because of how precarious everything is, I'm really excited to be part of a show in the Boston area. I'm skating in Joy Skate Productions Kendall Ice Show, and have been having a BLAST learning all the choreography. The show is upbeat and happy and fun, and free to the public. Working on a show with people is making my heart sing. 

Election: I know: duh. Biden has it! And like, wow, what a relief. I am excited, especially, for Kamala Harris to be our VP. This election, Chris and I both sat down with sample ballots and googled everyone on them. For every seat, from president all the way down to local county offices, we made an intentional choice. We were excited to jump around the ballot, and not vote straight down the line for either party. We were also excited to vote for some more diverse opinions in NH legislature: more women, LGBT individuals, and individuals with disabilities. We got so much satisfaction from it, and will be doing it at every election moving forward. 

Joy The Baker: Here's something a little lighter for you. The infamous Joy the Baker wrote a holiday magazine!! I went to Barnes and Noble this weekend and bought a copy right away. It is joyful, comforting, and makes me feel all kind of festive. I've been slowly flipping through it all week and reading the recipes like their pages of a novel. I am extremely excited to start making things from it, and pie may be in my future this weekend. 

3 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

Thanksgiving, and the holidays in general: This year, we're planning to go to New Jersey to be with Chris' family for Thanksgiving. In general, I am incredibly excited for Christmas shopping, seeing family, baking lots of good food, and decorating the apartment. While I still feel pangs that I'm not doing Sea World's Christmas show this year, I'm incredibly excited to make the most of it while I'm home and be really festive, with a full kitchen to help!

Working out again: This one is laughable because I'm largely *not* but, after virtually giving up on working out since June, I'm attempting to start up again. I'm starting to feel extremely out of shape at skating and that's just miserable. Currently, I'm trying to skate 2-3x per week (but more often than not, it's 1x), run a little, do Youtube Barre videos, and complete Yoga with Adrienne's November playlist with my friend. 

Possible New Apartments: I am extremely happy where we are. But we looked at a bigger apartment this week and if we get accepted, I'll be very happy with that too. It's close to where we already live, cute and historic, has access to a fenced in yard, and extra room for us to have a workspace that isn't the living room or the kitchen. 

Happy Monday, everyone. What is this November like for you?