I feel like God presents you with the lessons, or quotes, or people, or opportunities, that you most need at the time. I believe that good can come out of any situation, as long as we stay hopeful and make the most of what's presented to us.
As a future-oriented person, I've always had a fair amount of anxiety about goals and careers and what I want my life to look like. While it's not a good thing, I'm a worrier by nature, and sometimes I can channel that worry into drive, and use it to help me actually reach my goals. I tend to have a lot of skill-based worries. I never doubt my vision, I never doubt my work ethic, or my stamina. But I'll often find myself worrying about my inadequacy in one specific area, and then using that as my excuse for never moving forward.
I have always wanted to audition for skating shows. In many ways, it's the only thing I've really known I wanted to do. And while I've put myself out there in various ways (like Knoxville!), I've also sometimes found myself holding back. I haven't always understood this, but now I do. I've held back because I'm afraid of being inadequate. I'm afraid of being rejected, of people thinking it's a silly thing to try and then me looking silly if I try and then fail. But I've also held back because I'm afraid of being successful, and then found out. I'm afraid that somehow, I'll get cast or start talking to someone or something, only for them to slowly realize that I'm actually not that great. And I fully realize that this is the most ridiculous thing I could possibly be scared of. But I'm terrified of it.
One of my coaches pointed out, though, that I am doing this for me. I love skating as a lifestyle, and I don't ever want to stop skating. I love performing, I love practicing, I love experimenting, but the enjoyment of those things don't diminish just because I'm not being recognized, or because I wish I was better.
I have tunnel vision. Some say it's a good thing, but lately I've been working on fixing the negative side effects of it. My tunnel vision tells me that if I don't get my act together and become a perfect skater in a month I will never be anything, period. But I know that life is so much more full than that. And that while skating is a huge and ever-growing part of me, it's my attitude, work ethic, what I do with friends, the conversations with my mom, my go-to coffee order, and my favorite sitcoms that make me me, and a much better me than the tunnel-skating-me. In the same way, within skating I can get so focused on landing a particular jump, that I start to obsess over it to the point that you'd think it was all that skating was. And it's not. I love choreography, combination spins, footwork patterns, making faces. Just like we need well-rounded lives, it's well-rounded skating that provides the most fulfillment. And messing up one jump doesn't diminish that at all.
We are all so much more than one thing, and thank goodness for that. Our lives hold every possibility of infinite things to do. We would be pretty boring if we limited ourselves to only one specific thing.
I am so excited to be entering this last quarter of 2016. I am excited to try new things and buckle down on old things. I'm excited to put forward my best self, free of inhibitions and crippling doubts. I wrote a list of goals for October-December that is making me wicked motivated, because while it's a tough list, it's also a totally doable list. In the interest of privacy (I know! Strange concept for me!) I haven't shared all of them, but don't worry, you'll see the rest once they're completed.
Goals for October-December 2016:
-Pass Intermediate Freeskate.
-Compete in a showcase competition (Cannot wait to tell you more about this!).
-Read The Two Towers.
-Pay back some bills I've had to sit on.
-Make progress saving for this year's travel.
-Consistently workout 3 days a week (Currently have zero off-ice routine and it's a problem).
-Get an internship/shadow/become a staff writer, do something. And do a good job, preferably.
-Code something. Just a random thing to learn!
-Do at least 4 social friend things.
-Meet friends in Boston.
-Blog post once a week.
-Knit 10 more things.
-Make an audition video.
I am excited for what's next. I'm ready for what's next. What's getting you motivated for the last quarter of the year?
Happy Monday! xoxo
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